Wrenches

I don't think anyone in this world can ever truly be prepared for a transition like the one that I went through over the past three weeks. The worrying, the denials, the tears, the stress, the excitement, and the constant hills and valleys. 

Just when I think I've got everything figured out, God throws a wrench in my perfect little plan. 

The majority of the time I try to dodge the wrench, but then God laughs and throws another one with better aim. 

And it wallops me in the stomach.

Most of the time I do a lot of whining. 

Calculus class not going well? Whine.
Buses are running 10 minutes late? Complain.
Not understanding my Calculus professor? Feel sorry for myself.
Horrible schedule on Wednesday? Mope about it.
Calculus? ... You get it...

In reality, though, God is using all of these wrenches to strengthen me! Of course He doesn't want me to go through Calculus feeling like I know everything. He wants me to genuinely learn something from this course. And by not understanding what the heck is going on, He is forcing me to do that. My awful Wednesday schedule is helping me learn to prioritize other days of the week so that I'm not swimming in work on other days.

I will probably never stop complaining about these random wrenches... but it feels good to know that none of them are without purpose. :-)

So the next time God throws a wrench at you, catch that thing!!!

Oh, this is the actual college experience...

I think that some part of me over the past week believed that marching band was the only thing I was up at Iowa for. After all, that's pretty much all I did for the first eight days that I was here. Practice in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Parties and other stuff at night. Meet people, make friends, snooze, wake up with frickin' leg cramps (Tuesday was seriously the pit of awfulness for me), repeat.

What am I forgetting?

Oh, that's right... classes!

I had Calculus and Rhetoric today. Calculus makes me nervous, mostly because there are a lot of things they expect us to know that I either never learned in high school or didn't retain very well. However, I think that if I simply work and practice at relearning old concepts and figuring out the new ones, I'll be alright. Rhetoric, on the other hand... uggggggggggggh. I normally like English-related courses, but this one mixes language with speaking with writing with arguments with research with SO MUCH HOMEWORK. It's my first night of actual school, and I'm already writing a short essay and watching videos.

Lol. I love how I type that out as if I was surprised I would actually have to do work for my classes.

Empathy

Whenever I go through troubled times, it's so easy for me to look at others who are in green pastures and think, "Why can't my life be as perfect as hers?" or "I want to be more like him." And I hate having that feeling. God puts us all through different trials and different experiences for a reason, and it's not to sit and compare ourselves to others.

But as humans, that's still what we do.

A lot of people have been asking me over the past few days how I'm feeling about college. The answer? Fantastic! My sousie buddies have basically become like a family to me over the course of a week. My roommate and I are getting along fine, and I'm feeling more content than ever.

However, I never want to look at others and just assume that everything is OK for them too. We are called by our Lord to show empathy with others around us and to hold them up when they are falling, and I want to do just that. Whether that means giving advice or just listen, I want to help in some way. Because I realize that my life could look totally different in a week, and I could be in the same position that someone I know is.

5 days of... on my own

Going to sleep tonight marks the fifth night that I will have spent at the University of Iowa.

In four and half days, so many people and experiences have been flying around me from all different directions, and the craziest part is that the term hasn't even started yet.

As I told an elder member of the sousaphone (or "sousie" as everyone calls us at Iowa) section today, I come from a town of 1300 people. A campus with 30,000 students in the middle of the buzzing Iowa City is a culture shock to me. An even greater culture shock is being caught up in the midst of activities that you don't want to be a part of, but with people that you'd really like to get to know.

Oh, and my shoulder is pretty sore. I can blame my sousaphone for that...

I guess this blog post doesn't really have a purpose behind it other than to reflect upon my brewing thoughts. So much has changed in such a short amount of time that it kind of scares me to think about what might change in two weeks!

But I am excited. Because if there's anything I've learned this week, it's to expect the unexpected.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my Shepard;
I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.

Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.  

Clinging

I've been sitting here for 30 minutes now, spending most of the time bawling.

I tried my best to maintain composure before they left... but the moment the door shut, the tears fell.

It's actually hard for me to write this right now because I just don't even know what to feel. What to think. What to... anything. Something tells me that I should go out and introduce myself to other people on my floor, but I can hardly bring myself to do this blog post, let alone go out and socialize.

Maybe things will be different tomorrow. I certainly hope so.

But Lord... in this moment, I am clinging to you and you alone. And in this moment I have realized that I should always cling to you, regardless of how comfortable I am. It just makes more sense to me right now because I've never felt this vulnerable before; the reality, however, is that all of us are always vulnerable. No matter how much one hardens themselves, his or her soul will always need you.

You are the only one who can free us from that vulnerability.

Remember

It was my last night. She ushers me in along with several others. 

A few are simply visiting.
Others live there.
Some (like me) simply call it home.

We watch The Lego Movie while everyone enjoys popcorn. Their middle daughter ("Middly") giggles with delight at Uni-Kitty, and then questions me afterwards about what my favorite character from the movie was. It's been so long since I just sat down and enjoyed a movie with people that I love. I'm sad to see one of my closest friends go, because there is so much that I want to talk about before I leave for college, but I tell her that we will have time later on.

And then it's just me. Me, and two people who I trust more than anyone else in this world.

By the end of a night of long conversation, I realize that it's time to say goodbye. As much as it hurts, and as much as I nearly broke down in tears on the way home, there is something that gives me strength as I give each of them a hug.

I don't have to forget.

Everyone tells me that I'll go to college, make new friends, and forget about the old ones. I'll forget where I came from and embrace the new opportunities in front of me. But I simply don't believe that. Because what I've experienced in their home was so real that it's impossible to ever forget it. 60 miles may separate my physical heart, but it will never separate my emotional heart.

I don't have to forget.

God...

Let me remember.

Overthinking

One of the biggest thorns in my side is worrying. Worrying about what I just said to someone, worrying about how a particularly uncomfortable task is going to turn out, worrying about a conversation I'm going to have soon, worrying about college, worrying about whether or not I'll impress people, worry worry worry worry.

So I stumbled across an interesting passage in Matthew last night:

Matthew 6:34 - "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

Now, in the wrong context, that verse makes it sound as though we shouldn't take responsibility for things that need to get done (which is false). However, I find the underlying principle of a rather simple verse to be undeniably loud and clear: dump out your worries to God and God alone. My brain goes about 80 miles an hour most of the time. While this is good for situations that need analyzing, it is not good when I'm supposed to be relaxing and enjoying the moment and what God has given me.

Overthinking is simply not healthy. It allows sinful thoughts to creep into myself and others' minds before we can even realize what's happening. Doubts, anger, envy, jealousy... all of that crappy stuff.

We have a great God. A great big God. He can handle our worries when they're too much for us.

Just something to remember the next time you are stressed. And since this is a period of my life where stress is often the norm, it is something that I need to and will work on.

Life lessons

What an eye-opening seven months it has been.

About seven months ago at this time, I was a new creation. As one dear friend made clear in her blog, "their lives were headed toward hell and have been turned around" (referencing me). That sounds so scary - and, at the time I did think it was scary - but in reality, this is the case for every living being up until the moment he or she accepts Jesus into their heart. There's no sugarcoating it. That's just reality.

But enough of that sappy stuff. It's time for the four biggest life lessons I've learned over the course of 221-ish days of my faithwalk! (And be reminded that some of these things I am still working on... and probably will be for a while... but I have learned that they are important.)

1. Love everyone. I know, I know, that's like the #1 rule of Christianity. But it so often gets overlooked. Last night I began fuming and thinking really awful things about a person who caused me a lot of emotional pain earlier this year, but the reality is that this person has struggles that I am completely unaware of. That's important, because even though I was hurt by them, that doesn't mean that two wrongs make a right.

2. Don't focus too much on "being perfect." While this sounds like I am waving off God's supreme law, I am not. Scripture repeats again and again that we as human beings can never escape sin, and that's why we need Jesus Christ. That does not make any sin justified; however, it washes the sin away the moment it gets into our hearts. So don't wallow in pity every time you hit a bump in the road. As a good friend of mine says (this is kind of a paraphrase), "God doesn't want you to feel sorry; He wants you to get back on your feet and keep going with Him."

3. Don't get put in the box. This goes along with my previous blog post, but I feel the need to reiterate it just because of how big it really is. God created you as a unique individual with unique features, passions, and a personality. If He wanted us to conform to the rest of the population, then He would've just manufactured a bunch of robots that look and act the same.

4. And last but not least, be honest with the people you can trust. This is an extremely hard thing to do. However, real friends will show you God's untainted love even if you're confused, angry, or not perfect. Because in reality, we all have our issues. Some of them may appear to be worse, but God does not see it that way, and He does not want us to keep our burdens to ourselves. It's not healthy, and I realized that as the summer winded down.

Anyway... that's all I've got this weekend! I'll be at the State Fair for the next five days, so have a fun and safe week folks! :-)

"Put in a box"

Yesterday I watched a rather inspiring video.

It is about a young man who attended a Christian college and who worked to overcome negative social stigmas and pressures that told him that he needed to act a certain way. By "act" I mean the way he talked, the way he dressed, and the way he lived his life. He chose to live for Christ, but he never did it on anyone's terms aside from God. Is he different than most men? Certainly. Is he different in God's eyes? Absolutely not.

I have so much respect for this person that I have never even met. His unwillingness to let people "put him in a box" is beyond worthy of praise. If you're living for God, spreading the gospel, and doing everything in your power to overcome your own issues, then why let others put you in that box? God creates you as a unique individual, not as a robot that conforms to what everyone else is doing.

Bottom line: Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people who do not expect you to look and act like 90% of the people today do. Christ doesn't care whether you have spiky hair or dreadlocks. He doesn't care if you have a high or low pitched voice, or if you prefer art and music instead of science and engineering.

Don't let society put you in that box.

Anyway

I come into their house, expecting a normal night of conversation. Instead I end up breaking down, crying, and basically spilling all of my doubts and worries to these two. They listen to every word I say, and not only do they console me, but they offer to help. Even when I'm confused, upset, and not perfect, they aren't forced to love me. They choose to love me.

I don't deserve it, but they love me anyway.

She gives me a check for gas, telling me not to get too much this week because the budget is tight. She constantly nags me about getting college stuff completed, and even though I get tired of it, I know that she only wants the best for me. She fixes supper every night after a long day at work. Even when I'm grumpy, dismissive, or rude, she isn't forced to love me. She chooses to love me.

I don't deserve it, but she loves me anyway.

He hears every prayer that I make. He hears me when I'm yelling his name at the top of my lungs and spewing all of my anger at him. He hears me even when I feel lonely. He forgives me in every moment, even when he has the supreme power to tell me that I'm undeserving of his love. But he doesn't. Even when I'm catty, fearful, and sinful, he isn't forced to love me. He chooses to love me.

I don't deserve it, but He loves me anyway.