I've had a heavy heart today.
I wish that I knew exactly what's causing it, but I can't put my finger on it. Am I growing too selfish? Am I being ignorant? Or am I really just missing something in my life to bring me joy?
I find myself getting sad or upset over the littlest things.
I find myself dreading future events that I really have no reason to dread at all.
On a campus with 30,000 students, I feel so alone...
How is that even possible? How is it that I've not managed to find one person over the course of 10 and a half weeks that I feel like I can share personal stuff with? I have so many friends up here, and yet I feel like I'm just convincing myself that they're friends when they're really more like acquaintances.
I had such an awesome weekend at home. However, I'm starting to think that these trips home are unhealthy for me, because they just encourage me to miss the people at home even more when I return to college rather than gaining independence from them. Is that what I want? Less contact with those that I love? Certainly not, but I also don't want to feel so alone up here.
So much... stuff going on in this heavy heart.
God, help me empty out that garbage that's filling in the spaces of my heart, because it's just weighing me down.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Friday, October 10, 2014
Time
It doesn't seem possible to me that I embarked on my college experience almost eight weeks ago.
I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that I bawled as my family left me in my dorm room alone...?
*checks calendar*
Nope. That was 53 days ago.
It was 52 days ago that I met the sousies.
It was 51 days ago that I started "Hell Week."
It was 49 days ago that we had our sectional party. Hehehehe.
It was 45 days ago that I started classes.
It was 40 days ago that I marched for the first time in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 38 days ago that I made the long drive back up to Iowa City. I was sad because I wouldn't be back home for a long time.
It was 34 days ago that I came down with a cold. A cold that would last for like THREE WEEKS.
It was 33 days ago that I got puked on by a guy in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 28 days ago that I cried after taking my Calculus quiz because I knew I had bombed it.
It was 26 days ago that Iowa lost to Iowa State. And I was sick as a dog. Not a great day.
It was 22 days ago that I was prescribed antibiotics for my horrible sickness.
It was 20 days ago that I joyously left Iowa City, ready for an awesome weekend at home. Plus insane coughing.
It was 19 days ago that I left for Ottumwa in the morning to see two of my best friends.
It was 13 days ago that I sat on a bus for like seven hours with drunk people... FUN. Lol
It was 10 days ago that I took my Calculus mid-term exam. Not a good day.
It was 7 days ago that I basically had a break down while overthinking every aspect of my life.
It was 6 days ago that I spent a night with two of my best friends. :-)
It was 5 days ago that I spent another night with even more of my best friends. :-)
It was 13 hours ago that I turned in my Calculus quiz and actually felt good about it!
It was 1 hour ago that I started to think about this...
How is it that I can remember almost every day of my first eight weeks up here? I haven't keep any sort of diary or journal at all, yet I can pull each and every one of the events from that list off of the top of my head.
Funny how time works...
I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that I bawled as my family left me in my dorm room alone...?
*checks calendar*
Nope. That was 53 days ago.
It was 52 days ago that I met the sousies.
It was 51 days ago that I started "Hell Week."
It was 49 days ago that we had our sectional party. Hehehehe.
It was 45 days ago that I started classes.
It was 40 days ago that I marched for the first time in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 38 days ago that I made the long drive back up to Iowa City. I was sad because I wouldn't be back home for a long time.
It was 34 days ago that I came down with a cold. A cold that would last for like THREE WEEKS.
It was 33 days ago that I got puked on by a guy in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 28 days ago that I cried after taking my Calculus quiz because I knew I had bombed it.
It was 26 days ago that Iowa lost to Iowa State. And I was sick as a dog. Not a great day.
It was 22 days ago that I was prescribed antibiotics for my horrible sickness.
It was 20 days ago that I joyously left Iowa City, ready for an awesome weekend at home. Plus insane coughing.
It was 19 days ago that I left for Ottumwa in the morning to see two of my best friends.
It was 13 days ago that I sat on a bus for like seven hours with drunk people... FUN. Lol
It was 10 days ago that I took my Calculus mid-term exam. Not a good day.
It was 7 days ago that I basically had a break down while overthinking every aspect of my life.
It was 6 days ago that I spent a night with two of my best friends. :-)
It was 5 days ago that I spent another night with even more of my best friends. :-)
It was 13 hours ago that I turned in my Calculus quiz and actually felt good about it!
It was 1 hour ago that I started to think about this...
How is it that I can remember almost every day of my first eight weeks up here? I haven't keep any sort of diary or journal at all, yet I can pull each and every one of the events from that list off of the top of my head.
Funny how time works...
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Something's off
I was walking back to my dorm room tonight, and it's a solid 10 minute walk since I ate dinner at the dining hall on the opposite side of the river.
This week has been full of an awful lot of regret for me. Regretting taking Calculus is probably the highest thing on my list. It's too hard for me, and I should have known it the first week. But I didn't. I was bullheaded and decided to do it anyway, and now I'm looking at possibly failing the course. I don't know how I did on my mid-term exam, but I'm not feeling too hopeful about it.
Anyway, that's not the point of this post.
As I started to walk across the river bridge, I got hit by a strange realization...
I don't like where I'm headed.
As a university, this could not have been much of a better choice. As a major, however... I am having my doubts.
Computer Science jobs pay extremely well, and they are in high demand. Could there really be a much better combination than that? However, I've started noticing something as I dig further and further into jobs for CS majors, and that's the lack of a social aspect. It's all completely technology, numbers, and developing things on your own.
But if this path is not the answer, then what is? The U of I has tons of avenues to explore. But which one is right for me?
This week has been full of an awful lot of regret for me. Regretting taking Calculus is probably the highest thing on my list. It's too hard for me, and I should have known it the first week. But I didn't. I was bullheaded and decided to do it anyway, and now I'm looking at possibly failing the course. I don't know how I did on my mid-term exam, but I'm not feeling too hopeful about it.
Anyway, that's not the point of this post.
As I started to walk across the river bridge, I got hit by a strange realization...
I don't like where I'm headed.
As a university, this could not have been much of a better choice. As a major, however... I am having my doubts.
Computer Science jobs pay extremely well, and they are in high demand. Could there really be a much better combination than that? However, I've started noticing something as I dig further and further into jobs for CS majors, and that's the lack of a social aspect. It's all completely technology, numbers, and developing things on your own.
But if this path is not the answer, then what is? The U of I has tons of avenues to explore. But which one is right for me?
Monday, September 22, 2014
Settling in
So my sixth week of college is underway. (Goodness, has it really been that long...?!)
For some odd reason I am feeling a lower amount of pressure this week. Our Rhetoric professor is going a little easier on us since we turned in our first major assignment last week - which counts for 20% of the grade - and while the Calculus homework continues to pile in, I am starting to get into a rhythm for completing it. While it's never completely accurate and often partially incomplete, I am trying my best to figure things out even when atleast a third of the material looks like gibberish to me...
My grandma made a care package for me this weekend that was basically filled with every type of junk food imaginable: frosted cookies, goldfish crackers, powdered donuts, Chex Mix, etc. THANK YOU GRANDMA. My mom also went out of her way to buy me chicken patties, pizza rolls, chocolate milk, orange juice, and more breakfast biscuits.
Have I ever mentioned that I have been blessed with the best family? It is something I take for granted, but I need to remember it and thank God every day for it.
You know what's really odd? I started counting down the days this morning til when I could come home again, and it's only 11 days. Just eleven! That seems so crazy to me. It's also odd of me to be counting them down. I had a great weekend at home, but I didn't get a chance to talk with everyone that I wanted to. Three days isn't enough to pack everything in, unfortunately... while October 3rd feels like months away, I know that this weekend is going to fly by because of the Purdue trip, and before I know it I'll be jumping in my truck and making the trip down I-80 again...
I'm enjoying college as a whole, but I still am admittedly not enjoying the world of having to share a room with someone else. There's no "private space" here. And that's something I dearly miss. And that's ultimately why I look forward to those weekends when I can come back, even if it's for just a few days.
:-)
For some odd reason I am feeling a lower amount of pressure this week. Our Rhetoric professor is going a little easier on us since we turned in our first major assignment last week - which counts for 20% of the grade - and while the Calculus homework continues to pile in, I am starting to get into a rhythm for completing it. While it's never completely accurate and often partially incomplete, I am trying my best to figure things out even when atleast a third of the material looks like gibberish to me...
My grandma made a care package for me this weekend that was basically filled with every type of junk food imaginable: frosted cookies, goldfish crackers, powdered donuts, Chex Mix, etc. THANK YOU GRANDMA. My mom also went out of her way to buy me chicken patties, pizza rolls, chocolate milk, orange juice, and more breakfast biscuits.
Have I ever mentioned that I have been blessed with the best family? It is something I take for granted, but I need to remember it and thank God every day for it.
You know what's really odd? I started counting down the days this morning til when I could come home again, and it's only 11 days. Just eleven! That seems so crazy to me. It's also odd of me to be counting them down. I had a great weekend at home, but I didn't get a chance to talk with everyone that I wanted to. Three days isn't enough to pack everything in, unfortunately... while October 3rd feels like months away, I know that this weekend is going to fly by because of the Purdue trip, and before I know it I'll be jumping in my truck and making the trip down I-80 again...
I'm enjoying college as a whole, but I still am admittedly not enjoying the world of having to share a room with someone else. There's no "private space" here. And that's something I dearly miss. And that's ultimately why I look forward to those weekends when I can come back, even if it's for just a few days.
:-)
Monday, September 15, 2014
The Gospel
I was walking to my 1:30 Rhetoric class today when, in the middle of the walkway, there was a man.
He was holding up a large, neon sign that said, "Don't Waste 4 Years in College, Come to Jesus and He Will Set You Free!" (Or something along those lines, I don't really remember.) And he was going on and on about how we would all waste our money for four years, get jobs that we didn't want, and never find Jesus. But if we ditched all of that now and followed Jesus (he never really emphasized what "follow Jesus" meant), we would be better off!
(Newsflash... I'm following Jesus AND attending college, so his logic seemed a bit flawed. Lol. But that's beside the point.)
That's not what made me sad. It was the reaction to this event in my Rhetoric class.
Everyone was so offended that some man had been telling them how to live their lives. I heard one person say, "I don't need that guy's Jesus!!!" while others were just complaining about how annoying Christians are.
This hurts me.
Not in the sense that I'm offended, but in the sense that this is exactly what we're not supposed to be doing as Christians. And I experienced it firsthand today.
The gospel is not someone standing in the street and telling us that we're going to have crummy lives if we continue on our paths.
The gospel is not what I witnessed from my peers in Rhetoric.
The gospel isn't even telling someone to follow Jesus. You can tell that to anyone, and they won't understand what that means.
The gospel is showing Jesus' love.
It's inviting complete strangers into your home, just to talk.
It's selflessly going down to Mexico to help build houses.
It's inviting a lonely friend to fellowship or youth group.
It's letting someone cry on your shoulder, even if you don't understand their situation.
It's praying for your best friend for years and years.
It's being able to confess your love for Jesus in front of unbelievers.
It's everything that I didn't see today on campus...
And that makes me want to shine God's light even more.
He was holding up a large, neon sign that said, "Don't Waste 4 Years in College, Come to Jesus and He Will Set You Free!" (Or something along those lines, I don't really remember.) And he was going on and on about how we would all waste our money for four years, get jobs that we didn't want, and never find Jesus. But if we ditched all of that now and followed Jesus (he never really emphasized what "follow Jesus" meant), we would be better off!
(Newsflash... I'm following Jesus AND attending college, so his logic seemed a bit flawed. Lol. But that's beside the point.)
That's not what made me sad. It was the reaction to this event in my Rhetoric class.
Everyone was so offended that some man had been telling them how to live their lives. I heard one person say, "I don't need that guy's Jesus!!!" while others were just complaining about how annoying Christians are.
This hurts me.
Not in the sense that I'm offended, but in the sense that this is exactly what we're not supposed to be doing as Christians. And I experienced it firsthand today.
The gospel is not someone standing in the street and telling us that we're going to have crummy lives if we continue on our paths.
The gospel is not what I witnessed from my peers in Rhetoric.
The gospel isn't even telling someone to follow Jesus. You can tell that to anyone, and they won't understand what that means.
The gospel is showing Jesus' love.
It's inviting complete strangers into your home, just to talk.
It's selflessly going down to Mexico to help build houses.
It's inviting a lonely friend to fellowship or youth group.
It's letting someone cry on your shoulder, even if you don't understand their situation.
It's praying for your best friend for years and years.
It's being able to confess your love for Jesus in front of unbelievers.
It's everything that I didn't see today on campus...
And that makes me want to shine God's light even more.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Putting it all together
Tonight has been the first night in a long time that I've had a chance to take a break from the stress of homework. And that's a great thing considering I basically bombed my Calculus quiz this morning. :-/
While I was mostly just planning on being lazy and surfing the internet, I instead got the chance to contact a lot of different people.
I had a long conversation with a few good friends back home.
I talked with my roommate about Christianity, Islam, and politics. And it was a pleasant discussion.
Another friend back home texted me, and we had a nice conversation about faith, trust, and not overworking yourself.
I had a nice dinner talk with a few of my sousie friends.
I talked to my mom on Facebook and was really open about the struggles I've been having this week. I miss her so much...
A high school friend who I haven't seen in a long time texted me too, and it was nice to catch up.
I even chatted with a few people on my floor about "What superpower you would have if you could have one." (Yes, we're nerds.)
Today has opened my eyes to how many people God is constantly placing in my life. Even when I doubt him, don't place my trust in him, or underestimate his ability in general, he loves me anyway. This morning started off really bad (I was even in tears after taking my quiz), but as I sit here now, I'm feeling more content than ever. Is it a temporary feeling? Likely. I can't seem to go more than a few hours in college without getting stressed out... but it's a great feeling.
And these relationships and discussions are the things that I really need to hold on to.
While I was mostly just planning on being lazy and surfing the internet, I instead got the chance to contact a lot of different people.
I had a long conversation with a few good friends back home.
I talked with my roommate about Christianity, Islam, and politics. And it was a pleasant discussion.
Another friend back home texted me, and we had a nice conversation about faith, trust, and not overworking yourself.
I had a nice dinner talk with a few of my sousie friends.
I talked to my mom on Facebook and was really open about the struggles I've been having this week. I miss her so much...
A high school friend who I haven't seen in a long time texted me too, and it was nice to catch up.
I even chatted with a few people on my floor about "What superpower you would have if you could have one." (Yes, we're nerds.)
Today has opened my eyes to how many people God is constantly placing in my life. Even when I doubt him, don't place my trust in him, or underestimate his ability in general, he loves me anyway. This morning started off really bad (I was even in tears after taking my quiz), but as I sit here now, I'm feeling more content than ever. Is it a temporary feeling? Likely. I can't seem to go more than a few hours in college without getting stressed out... but it's a great feeling.
And these relationships and discussions are the things that I really need to hold on to.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Week update thingy
All of my friends have such great titles for all of their blog posts... so here's my completely unoriginal one.
I'm in a state of flux right now. Just when one problem gets diminished, it feels like another one rises up in its place. My worries about Calculus were allayed this week when I took a quiz that turned out to be much easier than I anticipated; I also am starting to make friends with a few other kids in the class. However, now Rhetoric is starting to overwhelm me with the sheer amount of stuff we have to get done. None of it's really hard stuff, but it's enough to bog me down. I spent three hours alone today working on a regular homework assignment... I sincerely hope that it's not always like this.
Marching band is going well, but I'm not very excited for tomorrow since I just developed a cold today, and it's bound to be even worse during gameday. Not even DayQuil and a surplus of cough drops is going to be enough to help me survive that. :-/
On top of that, I have friends who want to go out to parties and go to church on Sunday morning and go hang out during the weekend... and honestly? All I feel like doing is sleeping. Sleeping and completing some of the homework that I need to get done by Monday. I love Jesus and I'm eager to go out and explore for churches in Iowa City, but not with this darned stuffiness and coughing and whatnot. Sleeping in til 11:00 for the first time in ages sounds amazing.
I wish I had a remote that could just put life on hold for 24 hours.
Someone should invent that.
I should create an algorithm to do that for Computer Science...
But I think my bed is calling me.
Yeah, it is.
...
Good night everyone! Or good morning. Whenever you read this.
I'm in a state of flux right now. Just when one problem gets diminished, it feels like another one rises up in its place. My worries about Calculus were allayed this week when I took a quiz that turned out to be much easier than I anticipated; I also am starting to make friends with a few other kids in the class. However, now Rhetoric is starting to overwhelm me with the sheer amount of stuff we have to get done. None of it's really hard stuff, but it's enough to bog me down. I spent three hours alone today working on a regular homework assignment... I sincerely hope that it's not always like this.
Marching band is going well, but I'm not very excited for tomorrow since I just developed a cold today, and it's bound to be even worse during gameday. Not even DayQuil and a surplus of cough drops is going to be enough to help me survive that. :-/
On top of that, I have friends who want to go out to parties and go to church on Sunday morning and go hang out during the weekend... and honestly? All I feel like doing is sleeping. Sleeping and completing some of the homework that I need to get done by Monday. I love Jesus and I'm eager to go out and explore for churches in Iowa City, but not with this darned stuffiness and coughing and whatnot. Sleeping in til 11:00 for the first time in ages sounds amazing.
I wish I had a remote that could just put life on hold for 24 hours.
Someone should invent that.
I should create an algorithm to do that for Computer Science...
But I think my bed is calling me.
Yeah, it is.
...
Good night everyone! Or good morning. Whenever you read this.
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