Thoughts

A lot has happened in the past two days.

An emotional breakdown occurred yesterday after I read a Facebook post that wasn't even directed at me, but completely hurt me on the inside. But then such a bizarre thing happened... God gave me the challenge of either showing grace or turning my back without forgiveness, and I chose the former. Such a seemingly horrible day for me turned into a faith-builder; sometimes God picks odd ways of growing us, and this was definitely an odd way.

Today's evening brought a few hours of me and my closest friend having a big long "life talk" as we rummaged around Osky to get things for Iowa Jazz Championships (at Wal-Mart... go figure). At one point, I brought up that my biggest pet peeve in life was people who are lazy, rude, and disrespectful. There is someone who I have known my entire life who fits all three of these categories, and it makes my gears turn whenever they try and force that stuff upon me.

In fact, as I type this, that exact person just yelled at my mother as he sits on the couch, leeching off of his parents and not paying either of them the slightest bit of respect. It angers me.

And then we started talking about someone who is the exact opposite.

This girl is not much older than me. She has pretty much been homeless for several years now, and she is currently living with two of my adult friends. She works two jobs, goes to school, and has a smile on her face after the long day. Or atleast every time I see her she does.

I realized tonight that I have nothing but admiration and respect for her. We always prize people over their accomplishments, awards, etc... but to my knowledge, this young lady trumps almost all of the people that I personally know with her work ethic and ambition. She never lets any issues stop her from achieving her goals, and she has a positive, up-beat attitude about life. In fact, the things that she has overcome make me feel ashamed of myself for complaining and whining over little setbacks on a daily basis.

So that's what I've been thinking.

Well, almost.

My final year at Iowa Jazz Championships is coming up tomorrow. I currently have a mixture of excitement, anxiety, nerves, joy, and nostalgia in my heart.

There...

That's everything I've been thinking about.

:-)

Finding the right words

I am so good at planning conversations in my head.

I envision the scenario, physically talk it out when no one else is around, and then store the dialogue away so that I supposedly can use it when the perfect opportunity to initiate the conversation arrives. (You're probably thinking that I'm a bit crazy right now, but this is seriously what I do since I have quite a bit of social anxiety... especially on subjects that I'm uncomfortable with.)

About 95% of the time, however, this doesn't work.

Emotions take over immediately after I either reach the perfect opportunity OR start the conversation, and it goes absolutely nothing like I wanted it to.

And then I spend hours afterwards thinking about how I missed a chance to talk about something or didn't say the right thing or accidentally said the wrong thing or blah blah blah blah.

But... why?

Why do I dwell on the past and adjust memories to my liking? Why do I physically plan out the future? No matter how much I look into the past or future, one of them is irreversible and the other is about as predictable as Iowa's weather.

I need to quit being bound by the thoughts of what others thought or will think and just flow with it. What's done is done... and what's going to happen is in God's hands.

Dreams

Everyone's been blogging about dreams as of late, so here are a few of mine.

I dream of being a tech nerd who assembles, picks apart, fixes, and tinkers with computers as a business. Instead of cursing whenever my laptop is slow (like I do now), I want to know exactly how to remedy it.

I dream that I get to keep playing trombone for the rest of my life. Whether that's in a performing jazz band or just as a hobby, I don't care... I just don't want to quit.

I dream that I someday have the money and resources to impact those living in poverty throughout this world. It hurts me emotionally to see such a massive portion of humanity going through horrible conditions like they do.

I dream that I someday have the money to go places all over the world and take my friends with me. Italy, Britain, France, Australia, the Caribbean... EVERYWHERE. Except North Korea.

I dream that I never lose contact with my best friends. With everyone going their separate ways in nearly five months (including a few of my adult friends...) and some staying behind in high school, I want to continue to keep these people in my lives.

I dream that I finally learn how to ride a bike. Preferably sometime within the next month, BEFORE we go on the senior class trip. :-)

I dream that the persistent prayers I've been making become a reality in the future. Whether it takes three days or three decades, I don't care... I just hope that God gives me answers to them.

Finally, I dream of riding a jet ski. Why? BECAUSE IT'S A FREAKIN' JET SKI.

Emotions

Emotions are like a bottle of soda.

Leave the cap off, and they spill everywhere and make a mess. Bottle them up and shake... and they fizz until they violently explode.

Finding the right balance between these two extremes is... difficult.

The bottle rolls down a hill.
It reaches the bottom and fizzes like crazy.
You hope someone is going to open the bottle then, but they don't.
So the bottle simmers until it gets kicked down a hill again.
Rinse and repeat.
Until someone opens the bottle.

And so far that hasn't happened.

Leave the cap off, and they spill everywhere and make a mess.
In our society, people make fun of people who wear their hearts on their sleeves, especially males.
Bottle them up and shake... and they fizz until they violently explode.
The longer one holds back emotions, the more those emotions expand until they're uncontrollable.

Emotions are simultaneously the most sensitive yet volatile thing in life.

So many "lasts"

Within the past 30 hours, I have experienced three more "lasts" of my high school career. Last (and also first) state mock trial, last National Honor Society ceremony, and last FFA banquet.

The past three days have just whizzed by. It's been stress, a little more stress, some joyous moments, some intense situations in a courtroom, some good food (SPAGHETTI WORKS AHHHHHH), some moments in a hotel pool where I utterly failed at swimming, an award for Outstanding Witness(!), some more stress, lots of photos on Facebook, some more stress, and... tears.

Why the tears? Why is it that with all of this excitement around me I'm crying over the past? Tonight, I just looked around after the FFA banquet and nearly bawled. Is it because I'm meeting the reality that my high school experience is indeed coming to an end soon? Or is it something else?

I think that the bottom line is that my senior year has been such a fantastic, amazing year that I've started comparing it to earlier years in high school, and in many ways I feel as though I didn't make the most out of those years. I'm not sure if that's really true or just something I'm telling myself... but from the organizations I've been in and the fun I've had to the time I've spent with my best friends and the experience of having Jesus in my heart... all of these events in my senior year have made for one of the best periods of my life.

While God always puts us through tests and trials from time to time, He has presented me with one of the best periods of my life, and although there's all of that stress wedged in there, the stress only holds up the foundation of these amazing experiences that I'm having before I move on to the next phase of life. 

The tears are not there because it's over... but because it happened.

I've just never stepped back and realized how eternally blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. And in this moment, I'm coming to realize that God doesn't guarantee tomorrow, so I need to soak up everything that's happening in this moment.

Too much money

I'm kind of laughing at the title of my blog post because of how stupid it sounds. "Too much money" is not a thing, unless you don't like having money, which no one in today's society can actually say... and if you do you're lying.

I received my financial aid statement from Ohio State today.

Let's just say that it's a lot more money than I expected to receive from them.

While the difference in final expenses between Iowa and OSU is still very large, the amount of money I'm receiving from the latter gives a certain member of my family more leverage to push me in a direction that I don't want to go... three states away. I don't know why I'd go there if I really have no clue what I'd like to study or anything. It's just practical for me to stay in-state and go to Iowa.

It's funny because one of my best friends is going through a similar ordeal...

Too much money.

I giggle a little when I say it.

An icky stomach bug

I'll never complain about going to school on a Monday again...

My morning consisted of me initially thinking that I was just a little queasy, and it turned into me writhing around on my bed for half an hour, convincing myself that I was not going to throw up (even though that probably would've been the best thing for me at the time). Then I moved to the couch, and at first that seemed better, but it quickly got even worse. So I took a nice bath and then a short nap.

When I woke up, my stomach issues were a little better, but in its place was a 101.3 fever. My mom keeps chocolate ice cream in the freezer, so I had to will myself not to get it out since milk products are horrible for an upset stomatch. And yet... chocolate ice cream. :-(

I took another hour-long bath about an hour ago, and now my fingers are all wrinkled but I feel so much better. It was either the bath or the Tylenol that did it... or maybe both.

Maybe my mom will let me have a little chocolate ice cream tonight if I can convince her that I'm not that sick anymore. Lol.