It's getting more and more difficult for me to listen to pop music now that things like "Anaconda" are plaguing the radio. I actually think that song is kind of catchy, but the lyrics are so horribly sexual that it makes me wonder how society has actually slipped to this level and allowed this stuff to enter the radio waves.
However, there is one song in particular that I really enjoy. It's called "Secrets".
The song is basically the singer spilling out every fear, every insecurity, and every secret that she has about herself. From her weight to her bipolar disorder, she lays everything out on the table. However, the other lyrics are what really hit me the most:
They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one
Who's spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it
The song then goes into a chorus that reiterates, "I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are."
After listening to this song several times, I have to ask myself something.
What if everyone in the world was open about their own struggles and insecurities? We've all got them. Mine might be different than yours, and on some days you might have bigger struggles than I do (and vice-versa), but they're all there. What if we could tell even our best friends that we're hurting on the inside instead of putting up the front that we normally do?
Just a thought...
Monday, November 10, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Letting it go
Worrisome, sadness, and general self-pity have basically been consuming my life for the past week to the point where I told myself that I wasn't going to enjoy this weekend at all and would just mope about things. I also was refusing to step outside of my comfort zone in any way at all. I was completely ok with just confining myself to my dorm room and focusing on a Rhetoric paper that I wasn't going to make any progress on anyway.
And then Saturday morning came and... I let that stuff go. I had a great time at the football game. I went out with my parents and appreciated their company, even though they still constantly bicker (I even found myself missing that). I went out with friends that night and did some pretty crazy stuff that I don't regret at all. I woke up early in the morning and threw in laundry, and then relaxed the rest of the morning instead of stressing over this stupid paper. I went to the basketball game and relaxed and watched the game and played my sousaphone. And now I'm eating pizza rolls because pizza rolls are awesome.
I've come to the realization that I have four short years in college (assuming my current plan doesn't change), and I don't want to take one moment of that for granted. I can make smart decisions, manage my time, and still have fun.
I can't believe it took me over 11 weeks to figure that out...
(And you guys thought this post was going to be about Frozen, right? Haha)
And then Saturday morning came and... I let that stuff go. I had a great time at the football game. I went out with my parents and appreciated their company, even though they still constantly bicker (I even found myself missing that). I went out with friends that night and did some pretty crazy stuff that I don't regret at all. I woke up early in the morning and threw in laundry, and then relaxed the rest of the morning instead of stressing over this stupid paper. I went to the basketball game and relaxed and watched the game and played my sousaphone. And now I'm eating pizza rolls because pizza rolls are awesome.
I've come to the realization that I have four short years in college (assuming my current plan doesn't change), and I don't want to take one moment of that for granted. I can make smart decisions, manage my time, and still have fun.
I can't believe it took me over 11 weeks to figure that out...
(And you guys thought this post was going to be about Frozen, right? Haha)
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
A Heavy Heart
I've had a heavy heart today.
I wish that I knew exactly what's causing it, but I can't put my finger on it. Am I growing too selfish? Am I being ignorant? Or am I really just missing something in my life to bring me joy?
I find myself getting sad or upset over the littlest things.
I find myself dreading future events that I really have no reason to dread at all.
On a campus with 30,000 students, I feel so alone...
How is that even possible? How is it that I've not managed to find one person over the course of 10 and a half weeks that I feel like I can share personal stuff with? I have so many friends up here, and yet I feel like I'm just convincing myself that they're friends when they're really more like acquaintances.
I had such an awesome weekend at home. However, I'm starting to think that these trips home are unhealthy for me, because they just encourage me to miss the people at home even more when I return to college rather than gaining independence from them. Is that what I want? Less contact with those that I love? Certainly not, but I also don't want to feel so alone up here.
So much... stuff going on in this heavy heart.
God, help me empty out that garbage that's filling in the spaces of my heart, because it's just weighing me down.
I wish that I knew exactly what's causing it, but I can't put my finger on it. Am I growing too selfish? Am I being ignorant? Or am I really just missing something in my life to bring me joy?
I find myself getting sad or upset over the littlest things.
I find myself dreading future events that I really have no reason to dread at all.
On a campus with 30,000 students, I feel so alone...
How is that even possible? How is it that I've not managed to find one person over the course of 10 and a half weeks that I feel like I can share personal stuff with? I have so many friends up here, and yet I feel like I'm just convincing myself that they're friends when they're really more like acquaintances.
I had such an awesome weekend at home. However, I'm starting to think that these trips home are unhealthy for me, because they just encourage me to miss the people at home even more when I return to college rather than gaining independence from them. Is that what I want? Less contact with those that I love? Certainly not, but I also don't want to feel so alone up here.
So much... stuff going on in this heavy heart.
God, help me empty out that garbage that's filling in the spaces of my heart, because it's just weighing me down.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Time
It doesn't seem possible to me that I embarked on my college experience almost eight weeks ago.
I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that I bawled as my family left me in my dorm room alone...?
*checks calendar*
Nope. That was 53 days ago.
It was 52 days ago that I met the sousies.
It was 51 days ago that I started "Hell Week."
It was 49 days ago that we had our sectional party. Hehehehe.
It was 45 days ago that I started classes.
It was 40 days ago that I marched for the first time in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 38 days ago that I made the long drive back up to Iowa City. I was sad because I wouldn't be back home for a long time.
It was 34 days ago that I came down with a cold. A cold that would last for like THREE WEEKS.
It was 33 days ago that I got puked on by a guy in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 28 days ago that I cried after taking my Calculus quiz because I knew I had bombed it.
It was 26 days ago that Iowa lost to Iowa State. And I was sick as a dog. Not a great day.
It was 22 days ago that I was prescribed antibiotics for my horrible sickness.
It was 20 days ago that I joyously left Iowa City, ready for an awesome weekend at home. Plus insane coughing.
It was 19 days ago that I left for Ottumwa in the morning to see two of my best friends.
It was 13 days ago that I sat on a bus for like seven hours with drunk people... FUN. Lol
It was 10 days ago that I took my Calculus mid-term exam. Not a good day.
It was 7 days ago that I basically had a break down while overthinking every aspect of my life.
It was 6 days ago that I spent a night with two of my best friends. :-)
It was 5 days ago that I spent another night with even more of my best friends. :-)
It was 13 hours ago that I turned in my Calculus quiz and actually felt good about it!
It was 1 hour ago that I started to think about this...
How is it that I can remember almost every day of my first eight weeks up here? I haven't keep any sort of diary or journal at all, yet I can pull each and every one of the events from that list off of the top of my head.
Funny how time works...
I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that I bawled as my family left me in my dorm room alone...?
*checks calendar*
Nope. That was 53 days ago.
It was 52 days ago that I met the sousies.
It was 51 days ago that I started "Hell Week."
It was 49 days ago that we had our sectional party. Hehehehe.
It was 45 days ago that I started classes.
It was 40 days ago that I marched for the first time in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 38 days ago that I made the long drive back up to Iowa City. I was sad because I wouldn't be back home for a long time.
It was 34 days ago that I came down with a cold. A cold that would last for like THREE WEEKS.
It was 33 days ago that I got puked on by a guy in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 28 days ago that I cried after taking my Calculus quiz because I knew I had bombed it.
It was 26 days ago that Iowa lost to Iowa State. And I was sick as a dog. Not a great day.
It was 22 days ago that I was prescribed antibiotics for my horrible sickness.
It was 20 days ago that I joyously left Iowa City, ready for an awesome weekend at home. Plus insane coughing.
It was 19 days ago that I left for Ottumwa in the morning to see two of my best friends.
It was 13 days ago that I sat on a bus for like seven hours with drunk people... FUN. Lol
It was 10 days ago that I took my Calculus mid-term exam. Not a good day.
It was 7 days ago that I basically had a break down while overthinking every aspect of my life.
It was 6 days ago that I spent a night with two of my best friends. :-)
It was 5 days ago that I spent another night with even more of my best friends. :-)
It was 13 hours ago that I turned in my Calculus quiz and actually felt good about it!
It was 1 hour ago that I started to think about this...
How is it that I can remember almost every day of my first eight weeks up here? I haven't keep any sort of diary or journal at all, yet I can pull each and every one of the events from that list off of the top of my head.
Funny how time works...
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Something's off
I was walking back to my dorm room tonight, and it's a solid 10 minute walk since I ate dinner at the dining hall on the opposite side of the river.
This week has been full of an awful lot of regret for me. Regretting taking Calculus is probably the highest thing on my list. It's too hard for me, and I should have known it the first week. But I didn't. I was bullheaded and decided to do it anyway, and now I'm looking at possibly failing the course. I don't know how I did on my mid-term exam, but I'm not feeling too hopeful about it.
Anyway, that's not the point of this post.
As I started to walk across the river bridge, I got hit by a strange realization...
I don't like where I'm headed.
As a university, this could not have been much of a better choice. As a major, however... I am having my doubts.
Computer Science jobs pay extremely well, and they are in high demand. Could there really be a much better combination than that? However, I've started noticing something as I dig further and further into jobs for CS majors, and that's the lack of a social aspect. It's all completely technology, numbers, and developing things on your own.
But if this path is not the answer, then what is? The U of I has tons of avenues to explore. But which one is right for me?
This week has been full of an awful lot of regret for me. Regretting taking Calculus is probably the highest thing on my list. It's too hard for me, and I should have known it the first week. But I didn't. I was bullheaded and decided to do it anyway, and now I'm looking at possibly failing the course. I don't know how I did on my mid-term exam, but I'm not feeling too hopeful about it.
Anyway, that's not the point of this post.
As I started to walk across the river bridge, I got hit by a strange realization...
I don't like where I'm headed.
As a university, this could not have been much of a better choice. As a major, however... I am having my doubts.
Computer Science jobs pay extremely well, and they are in high demand. Could there really be a much better combination than that? However, I've started noticing something as I dig further and further into jobs for CS majors, and that's the lack of a social aspect. It's all completely technology, numbers, and developing things on your own.
But if this path is not the answer, then what is? The U of I has tons of avenues to explore. But which one is right for me?
Monday, September 22, 2014
Settling in
So my sixth week of college is underway. (Goodness, has it really been that long...?!)
For some odd reason I am feeling a lower amount of pressure this week. Our Rhetoric professor is going a little easier on us since we turned in our first major assignment last week - which counts for 20% of the grade - and while the Calculus homework continues to pile in, I am starting to get into a rhythm for completing it. While it's never completely accurate and often partially incomplete, I am trying my best to figure things out even when atleast a third of the material looks like gibberish to me...
My grandma made a care package for me this weekend that was basically filled with every type of junk food imaginable: frosted cookies, goldfish crackers, powdered donuts, Chex Mix, etc. THANK YOU GRANDMA. My mom also went out of her way to buy me chicken patties, pizza rolls, chocolate milk, orange juice, and more breakfast biscuits.
Have I ever mentioned that I have been blessed with the best family? It is something I take for granted, but I need to remember it and thank God every day for it.
You know what's really odd? I started counting down the days this morning til when I could come home again, and it's only 11 days. Just eleven! That seems so crazy to me. It's also odd of me to be counting them down. I had a great weekend at home, but I didn't get a chance to talk with everyone that I wanted to. Three days isn't enough to pack everything in, unfortunately... while October 3rd feels like months away, I know that this weekend is going to fly by because of the Purdue trip, and before I know it I'll be jumping in my truck and making the trip down I-80 again...
I'm enjoying college as a whole, but I still am admittedly not enjoying the world of having to share a room with someone else. There's no "private space" here. And that's something I dearly miss. And that's ultimately why I look forward to those weekends when I can come back, even if it's for just a few days.
:-)
For some odd reason I am feeling a lower amount of pressure this week. Our Rhetoric professor is going a little easier on us since we turned in our first major assignment last week - which counts for 20% of the grade - and while the Calculus homework continues to pile in, I am starting to get into a rhythm for completing it. While it's never completely accurate and often partially incomplete, I am trying my best to figure things out even when atleast a third of the material looks like gibberish to me...
My grandma made a care package for me this weekend that was basically filled with every type of junk food imaginable: frosted cookies, goldfish crackers, powdered donuts, Chex Mix, etc. THANK YOU GRANDMA. My mom also went out of her way to buy me chicken patties, pizza rolls, chocolate milk, orange juice, and more breakfast biscuits.
Have I ever mentioned that I have been blessed with the best family? It is something I take for granted, but I need to remember it and thank God every day for it.
You know what's really odd? I started counting down the days this morning til when I could come home again, and it's only 11 days. Just eleven! That seems so crazy to me. It's also odd of me to be counting them down. I had a great weekend at home, but I didn't get a chance to talk with everyone that I wanted to. Three days isn't enough to pack everything in, unfortunately... while October 3rd feels like months away, I know that this weekend is going to fly by because of the Purdue trip, and before I know it I'll be jumping in my truck and making the trip down I-80 again...
I'm enjoying college as a whole, but I still am admittedly not enjoying the world of having to share a room with someone else. There's no "private space" here. And that's something I dearly miss. And that's ultimately why I look forward to those weekends when I can come back, even if it's for just a few days.
:-)
Monday, September 15, 2014
The Gospel
I was walking to my 1:30 Rhetoric class today when, in the middle of the walkway, there was a man.
He was holding up a large, neon sign that said, "Don't Waste 4 Years in College, Come to Jesus and He Will Set You Free!" (Or something along those lines, I don't really remember.) And he was going on and on about how we would all waste our money for four years, get jobs that we didn't want, and never find Jesus. But if we ditched all of that now and followed Jesus (he never really emphasized what "follow Jesus" meant), we would be better off!
(Newsflash... I'm following Jesus AND attending college, so his logic seemed a bit flawed. Lol. But that's beside the point.)
That's not what made me sad. It was the reaction to this event in my Rhetoric class.
Everyone was so offended that some man had been telling them how to live their lives. I heard one person say, "I don't need that guy's Jesus!!!" while others were just complaining about how annoying Christians are.
This hurts me.
Not in the sense that I'm offended, but in the sense that this is exactly what we're not supposed to be doing as Christians. And I experienced it firsthand today.
The gospel is not someone standing in the street and telling us that we're going to have crummy lives if we continue on our paths.
The gospel is not what I witnessed from my peers in Rhetoric.
The gospel isn't even telling someone to follow Jesus. You can tell that to anyone, and they won't understand what that means.
The gospel is showing Jesus' love.
It's inviting complete strangers into your home, just to talk.
It's selflessly going down to Mexico to help build houses.
It's inviting a lonely friend to fellowship or youth group.
It's letting someone cry on your shoulder, even if you don't understand their situation.
It's praying for your best friend for years and years.
It's being able to confess your love for Jesus in front of unbelievers.
It's everything that I didn't see today on campus...
And that makes me want to shine God's light even more.
He was holding up a large, neon sign that said, "Don't Waste 4 Years in College, Come to Jesus and He Will Set You Free!" (Or something along those lines, I don't really remember.) And he was going on and on about how we would all waste our money for four years, get jobs that we didn't want, and never find Jesus. But if we ditched all of that now and followed Jesus (he never really emphasized what "follow Jesus" meant), we would be better off!
(Newsflash... I'm following Jesus AND attending college, so his logic seemed a bit flawed. Lol. But that's beside the point.)
That's not what made me sad. It was the reaction to this event in my Rhetoric class.
Everyone was so offended that some man had been telling them how to live their lives. I heard one person say, "I don't need that guy's Jesus!!!" while others were just complaining about how annoying Christians are.
This hurts me.
Not in the sense that I'm offended, but in the sense that this is exactly what we're not supposed to be doing as Christians. And I experienced it firsthand today.
The gospel is not someone standing in the street and telling us that we're going to have crummy lives if we continue on our paths.
The gospel is not what I witnessed from my peers in Rhetoric.
The gospel isn't even telling someone to follow Jesus. You can tell that to anyone, and they won't understand what that means.
The gospel is showing Jesus' love.
It's inviting complete strangers into your home, just to talk.
It's selflessly going down to Mexico to help build houses.
It's inviting a lonely friend to fellowship or youth group.
It's letting someone cry on your shoulder, even if you don't understand their situation.
It's praying for your best friend for years and years.
It's being able to confess your love for Jesus in front of unbelievers.
It's everything that I didn't see today on campus...
And that makes me want to shine God's light even more.
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