Emotions are like a bottle of soda.
Leave the cap off, and they spill everywhere and make a mess. Bottle them up and shake... and they fizz until they violently explode.
Finding the right balance between these two extremes is... difficult.
The bottle rolls down a hill.
It reaches the bottom and fizzes like crazy.
You hope someone is going to open the bottle then, but they don't.
So the bottle simmers until it gets kicked down a hill again.
Rinse and repeat.
Until someone opens the bottle.
And so far that hasn't happened.
Leave the cap off, and they spill everywhere and make a mess.
In our society, people make fun of people who wear their hearts on their sleeves, especially males.
Bottle them up and shake... and they fizz until they violently explode.
The longer one holds back emotions, the more those emotions expand until they're uncontrollable.
Emotions are simultaneously the most sensitive yet volatile thing in life.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
So many "lasts"
Within the past 30 hours, I have experienced three more "lasts" of my high school career. Last (and also first) state mock trial, last National Honor Society ceremony, and last FFA banquet.
The past three days have just whizzed by. It's been stress, a little more stress, some joyous moments, some intense situations in a courtroom, some good food (SPAGHETTI WORKS AHHHHHH), some moments in a hotel pool where I utterly failed at swimming, an award for Outstanding Witness(!), some more stress, lots of photos on Facebook, some more stress, and... tears.
Why the tears? Why is it that with all of this excitement around me I'm crying over the past? Tonight, I just looked around after the FFA banquet and nearly bawled. Is it because I'm meeting the reality that my high school experience is indeed coming to an end soon? Or is it something else?
I think that the bottom line is that my senior year has been such a fantastic, amazing year that I've started comparing it to earlier years in high school, and in many ways I feel as though I didn't make the most out of those years. I'm not sure if that's really true or just something I'm telling myself... but from the organizations I've been in and the fun I've had to the time I've spent with my best friends and the experience of having Jesus in my heart... all of these events in my senior year have made for one of the best periods of my life.
While God always puts us through tests and trials from time to time, He has presented me with one of the best periods of my life, and although there's all of that stress wedged in there, the stress only holds up the foundation of these amazing experiences that I'm having before I move on to the next phase of life.
The tears are not there because it's over... but because it happened.
I've just never stepped back and realized how eternally blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. And in this moment, I'm coming to realize that God doesn't guarantee tomorrow, so I need to soak up everything that's happening in this moment.
The past three days have just whizzed by. It's been stress, a little more stress, some joyous moments, some intense situations in a courtroom, some good food (SPAGHETTI WORKS AHHHHHH), some moments in a hotel pool where I utterly failed at swimming, an award for Outstanding Witness(!), some more stress, lots of photos on Facebook, some more stress, and... tears.
Why the tears? Why is it that with all of this excitement around me I'm crying over the past? Tonight, I just looked around after the FFA banquet and nearly bawled. Is it because I'm meeting the reality that my high school experience is indeed coming to an end soon? Or is it something else?
I think that the bottom line is that my senior year has been such a fantastic, amazing year that I've started comparing it to earlier years in high school, and in many ways I feel as though I didn't make the most out of those years. I'm not sure if that's really true or just something I'm telling myself... but from the organizations I've been in and the fun I've had to the time I've spent with my best friends and the experience of having Jesus in my heart... all of these events in my senior year have made for one of the best periods of my life.
While God always puts us through tests and trials from time to time, He has presented me with one of the best periods of my life, and although there's all of that stress wedged in there, the stress only holds up the foundation of these amazing experiences that I'm having before I move on to the next phase of life.
The tears are not there because it's over... but because it happened.
I've just never stepped back and realized how eternally blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. And in this moment, I'm coming to realize that God doesn't guarantee tomorrow, so I need to soak up everything that's happening in this moment.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Too much money
I'm kind of laughing at the title of my blog post because of how stupid it sounds. "Too much money" is not a thing, unless you don't like having money, which no one in today's society can actually say... and if you do you're lying.
I received my financial aid statement from Ohio State today.
Let's just say that it's a lot more money than I expected to receive from them.
While the difference in final expenses between Iowa and OSU is still very large, the amount of money I'm receiving from the latter gives a certain member of my family more leverage to push me in a direction that I don't want to go... three states away. I don't know why I'd go there if I really have no clue what I'd like to study or anything. It's just practical for me to stay in-state and go to Iowa.
It's funny because one of my best friends is going through a similar ordeal...
Too much money.
I giggle a little when I say it.
I received my financial aid statement from Ohio State today.
Let's just say that it's a lot more money than I expected to receive from them.
While the difference in final expenses between Iowa and OSU is still very large, the amount of money I'm receiving from the latter gives a certain member of my family more leverage to push me in a direction that I don't want to go... three states away. I don't know why I'd go there if I really have no clue what I'd like to study or anything. It's just practical for me to stay in-state and go to Iowa.
It's funny because one of my best friends is going through a similar ordeal...
Too much money.
I giggle a little when I say it.
Monday, March 17, 2014
An icky stomach bug
I'll never complain about going to school on a Monday again...
My morning consisted of me initially thinking that I was just a little queasy, and it turned into me writhing around on my bed for half an hour, convincing myself that I was not going to throw up (even though that probably would've been the best thing for me at the time). Then I moved to the couch, and at first that seemed better, but it quickly got even worse. So I took a nice bath and then a short nap.
When I woke up, my stomach issues were a little better, but in its place was a 101.3 fever. My mom keeps chocolate ice cream in the freezer, so I had to will myself not to get it out since milk products are horrible for an upset stomatch. And yet... chocolate ice cream. :-(
I took another hour-long bath about an hour ago, and now my fingers are all wrinkled but I feel so much better. It was either the bath or the Tylenol that did it... or maybe both.
Maybe my mom will let me have a little chocolate ice cream tonight if I can convince her that I'm not that sick anymore. Lol.
My morning consisted of me initially thinking that I was just a little queasy, and it turned into me writhing around on my bed for half an hour, convincing myself that I was not going to throw up (even though that probably would've been the best thing for me at the time). Then I moved to the couch, and at first that seemed better, but it quickly got even worse. So I took a nice bath and then a short nap.
When I woke up, my stomach issues were a little better, but in its place was a 101.3 fever. My mom keeps chocolate ice cream in the freezer, so I had to will myself not to get it out since milk products are horrible for an upset stomatch. And yet... chocolate ice cream. :-(
I took another hour-long bath about an hour ago, and now my fingers are all wrinkled but I feel so much better. It was either the bath or the Tylenol that did it... or maybe both.
Maybe my mom will let me have a little chocolate ice cream tonight if I can convince her that I'm not that sick anymore. Lol.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Reflection day
No school today.
No family or anyone in the house.
No priorities or responsibilities until this evening.
Nothing but time to just reflect on life.
I can't remember the last time I had a whole day to myself... it seems like eons ago. Granted, I'll probably be working on scholarship applications or trying to accomplish something, but I just love the fact that I'll get a chance to recharge today with some alone time. (You can see my introversion showing...)
I think I'll start by frying some eggs for breakfast and watching a movie.
Peace.
No family or anyone in the house.
No priorities or responsibilities until this evening.
Nothing but time to just reflect on life.
I can't remember the last time I had a whole day to myself... it seems like eons ago. Granted, I'll probably be working on scholarship applications or trying to accomplish something, but I just love the fact that I'll get a chance to recharge today with some alone time. (You can see my introversion showing...)
I think I'll start by frying some eggs for breakfast and watching a movie.
Peace.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
All INFJ up in here!
With all of the recent hullabaloo over personality types, I thought I'd share a little bit about mine: INFJ.
"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons."
Hmm... interesting. A lot of that is actually really true to me. It seems like I'm either super passionate about an idea or concept or not passionate at all about it.
"INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually a very sociable person."
Also very true...
"INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts – even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally. This is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel – if someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior."
OK, someone tapped my freakin' mind.
"The INFJ type is believed to be very rare (less than 1 percent of the population) and it has an unusual set of traits. Even though their presence can be described as very quiet, INFJ personalities usually have many strong opinions, especially when it comes to issues they consider really important in life. If an INFJ is fighting for something, this is because they believe in the idea itself, not because of some selfish reasons."
Hmm... interesting. A lot of that is actually really true to me. It seems like I'm either super passionate about an idea or concept or not passionate at all about it.
"INFJs are masters of written communication, with a distinctively smooth and warm language. In addition, the sensitivity of INFJs allows them to connect to others quite easily. Their easy and pleasant communication can often mislead bystanders, who might think that the INFJ is actually a very sociable person."
Also very true...
"INFJs take great care of other people’s feelings and expect others to return the favor. Unsurprisingly, people with this personality type are very sensitive and vulnerable to conflicts – even the most rational INFJs may find it quite difficult to not take criticism personally. This is the INFJ’s Achilles’ heel – if someone with an INFJ personality cannot escape the conflict, they will do their best to deal with it head on, but this will result in a lot of stress and may also potentially lead to health problems or highly irrational behavior."
OK, someone tapped my freakin' mind.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Looking for grace
Society tells me to pick out the bad things about people.
The media teaches me to pick out the bad things about people.
Politics teaches me to pick out the bad things about people.
Even some of the conversations that I have with my closest friends are nothing more than us ranting about someone else. (And then ironically we'll turn around and have a conversation with that person and rant about yet another person.)
I think there's no doubt that it's just human nature for us to find the negatives of everyone else to make us feel more secure. But what good does that really do us in the end? It covers up our own insecurities and prevents us from ever working those out.
Now, I think there are appropriate times to vent about certain people if they've directly done something to hurt you or make you angry. That's fine, and we need friends to help us feel better about that. However, I wish that all of us - including myself - could just take a breather and look for grace in the people around us. Just because we heard a rumor about someone from his or her best friend's friend doesn't mean that we need to collectively bash them to make us feel better.
It's just not healthy in the long run. And sometimes the healthiest thing is not easy to do.
I mean, willing myself to not eat a cupcake is pretty tough to do...
The media teaches me to pick out the bad things about people.
Politics teaches me to pick out the bad things about people.
Even some of the conversations that I have with my closest friends are nothing more than us ranting about someone else. (And then ironically we'll turn around and have a conversation with that person and rant about yet another person.)
I think there's no doubt that it's just human nature for us to find the negatives of everyone else to make us feel more secure. But what good does that really do us in the end? It covers up our own insecurities and prevents us from ever working those out.
Now, I think there are appropriate times to vent about certain people if they've directly done something to hurt you or make you angry. That's fine, and we need friends to help us feel better about that. However, I wish that all of us - including myself - could just take a breather and look for grace in the people around us. Just because we heard a rumor about someone from his or her best friend's friend doesn't mean that we need to collectively bash them to make us feel better.
It's just not healthy in the long run. And sometimes the healthiest thing is not easy to do.
I mean, willing myself to not eat a cupcake is pretty tough to do...
Friday, March 7, 2014
The week in a nutshell... or maybe a nut.
Monday starts off with a glorious 2-hour delay, which results in one of those lazy days at school where teachers don't assign much. I go to Oskaloosa that night for a Teen Council meeting, go to McDonald's, have a conversation with an old friend that almost makes me cry, go to Wal-Mart and talk with my friends about how our SENIOR YEAR is almost over, and then come home.
Tuesday. What did I do on Tuesday? ... Oh yeah. Early jazz, and then a conversation at Val's after school. I was feeling particularly moody at that point, so my bad if I seemed like a bit of a jerk while we were sitting on that wondrous leather sofa. My family and I went to my grandparents' house that night, and my grandma spoiled me with pizza, cupcakes, pretzels, and candy. I'm blessed to have the grandparents I do. :)
Wednesday... blood drive. I wasn't as nervous about donating blood this time around since I've done it once before, but when the lady told me that I had a temperature of 100.3 I thought I wasn't going to be able to give this time. She took it again and said that it was 98.7... weird.
Thursday was kind of boring. Actually, it was so boring that I made a list of things to do when I got home from school - practice for my jazz solo, work on scholarships, memorize stuff for mock trial, film my baby goats for a Spanish project, etc. (Speaking of goats... y'all need to come over some time and see all of the little animals in our barn before they get big and ugly. Lol.)
Today was a good day to end the week on. While I'm disappointed that I didn't get the University of Iowa Presidential Scholarship, I did find out that I'm still getting a grand total of $14,000 or so from Iowa for my first year of college! That leaves me with like $6,000 in estimated expenses, and I'm hoping that I can easily cover that if I manage to get some of the other scholarships I've been applying for. Looking back on it, I'm really happy that I worked hard for my grades in high school. There were times when I didn't see the point of it all, but now that I'm getting money from a university without even having to fill out an application, I can see its worth.
Now my parents and I are going to see my grandma over on the other side of Oskaloosa... and tomorrow is the second-to-last competition for jazz band this year. I'm sad thinking about it, but as Dr. Seuss said... "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."
:)
Tuesday. What did I do on Tuesday? ... Oh yeah. Early jazz, and then a conversation at Val's after school. I was feeling particularly moody at that point, so my bad if I seemed like a bit of a jerk while we were sitting on that wondrous leather sofa. My family and I went to my grandparents' house that night, and my grandma spoiled me with pizza, cupcakes, pretzels, and candy. I'm blessed to have the grandparents I do. :)
Wednesday... blood drive. I wasn't as nervous about donating blood this time around since I've done it once before, but when the lady told me that I had a temperature of 100.3 I thought I wasn't going to be able to give this time. She took it again and said that it was 98.7... weird.
Thursday was kind of boring. Actually, it was so boring that I made a list of things to do when I got home from school - practice for my jazz solo, work on scholarships, memorize stuff for mock trial, film my baby goats for a Spanish project, etc. (Speaking of goats... y'all need to come over some time and see all of the little animals in our barn before they get big and ugly. Lol.)
Today was a good day to end the week on. While I'm disappointed that I didn't get the University of Iowa Presidential Scholarship, I did find out that I'm still getting a grand total of $14,000 or so from Iowa for my first year of college! That leaves me with like $6,000 in estimated expenses, and I'm hoping that I can easily cover that if I manage to get some of the other scholarships I've been applying for. Looking back on it, I'm really happy that I worked hard for my grades in high school. There were times when I didn't see the point of it all, but now that I'm getting money from a university without even having to fill out an application, I can see its worth.
Now my parents and I are going to see my grandma over on the other side of Oskaloosa... and tomorrow is the second-to-last competition for jazz band this year. I'm sad thinking about it, but as Dr. Seuss said... "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."
:)
Monday, March 3, 2014
Discussions
I love intense, involved discussions with my friends. I love discussions where we talk about things that people just don't normally talk about. I even like it when discussions make me feel uncomfortable or nervous, because in the end it makes me realize something about myself or something about someone else.
I had two discussions tonight with two different friends. One of these discussions was with a friend that I hadn't sat down and talked deeply with for a long time... and the other discussion was with a friend who just completely relates to me.
In the case of the first friend, I found that she had been praying for me years ago, and I just didn't know it. I nearly cried when I heard her say that.
And now I'm sitting here, typing this really quickly and just letting all of the words flow across the keystrokes. Good discussions make me feel energized.
Peace. :)
I had two discussions tonight with two different friends. One of these discussions was with a friend that I hadn't sat down and talked deeply with for a long time... and the other discussion was with a friend who just completely relates to me.
In the case of the first friend, I found that she had been praying for me years ago, and I just didn't know it. I nearly cried when I heard her say that.
And now I'm sitting here, typing this really quickly and just letting all of the words flow across the keystrokes. Good discussions make me feel energized.
Peace. :)
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Go home winter, you're drunk.
Really though. Winter has now decided to screw up my plans for Saturday night Bible study. UGGGGGGGHHHHHHH THAT'S LIKE MY FAVORITE TIME OF THE WEEK.
On the bright side, some guy from Iowa requested me as a roommate today and after some back and forth e-mails I decided that he seemed cool. He's a biochemistry major that plans on going to med school though, so I'm getting a little nervous at the prospect of having a really smart person rooming with me. Atleast he's liberal.
This lull also means that I have no excuse to not finish the Pella Corp Scholarship... I guess I know what I'm going to be doing tonight!
On the bright side, some guy from Iowa requested me as a roommate today and after some back and forth e-mails I decided that he seemed cool. He's a biochemistry major that plans on going to med school though, so I'm getting a little nervous at the prospect of having a really smart person rooming with me. Atleast he's liberal.
This lull also means that I have no excuse to not finish the Pella Corp Scholarship... I guess I know what I'm going to be doing tonight!
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