"There's so much fear"

I'm double-blogging tonight because why not.

As anyone who's reading this blog knows, I really love the movie Frozen. It has a lot of great messages in it and the soundtrack is freaking awesome.

One song in particular has a line that I've been thinking a lot about lately. It's the scene where Anna returns to find Elsa, and a song between them ensues where Anna tries to get Elsa to return to Arendelle. When Anna tells Elsa that the kingdom is buried in snow as a result of Elsa's leaving, Elsa proceeds to go into a sort of "snow rage" as Anna continues to try and convince her sister to return:

"I'm such a fool, I can't be free!
No escape from the storm inside of me...
I can't control the curse!
Anna, please, you'll only make it worse!
There's so much fear!
You're not safe here..."

And then Elsa breaks down and accidentally attacks her sister with her cryogenic ice powers.

"There's so much fear."

That line keeps coming back to me. Elsa, who has the stress of a frozen kingdom added to her, proceeds to unintentionally put ice in her sister's heart.

Fear.

So much fear.

Elsa's fear of what people will think of her and the fear of having to deal with a frozen Arendelle ended up nearly killing her sister.

There's so much fear.

Fear does crazy things to us. It makes us think irrationally and sometimes hurt people that we would never want to hurt, just like Elsa accidentally hurts Anna.

That's my philosophical thought for the night... 

Attitudes

About a week ago I was telling myself that I would hate going up to State FFA Convention. I forced myself to believe that, and so I spent the entire week dreading it.

However, when I went up that Sunday night, I told myself that I would make the most of it even though I had no friends up there to talk to. And... for the most part, I had a good time! I met a few new people and listened to a lot of good speakers. We ate at Culver's twice (yum!!!), Hickory Park (YUMMMMM!) and had an intense ride on I-80; the pouring rain was so hard that we couldn't see a thing. And I got my Iowa FFA Degree, which is kind of a neat accomplishment.

I admittedly was longing my hometown for most of the time, though. I just miss being around people that I really care about.

My attitude when I got home went from relaxation to super-max-stress mode in about ten minutes. I got on my laptop and saw that I had numerous e-mails. A few of them were from a scholarship lady who can't open a thank-you video that I sent her. So now I have to deal with that. The housing people at Iowa still haven't e-mailed me back about my issue, so that's one more thing I have to figure out. To be honest, I would feel so much better about the upcoming year if I just had the housing stuff settled, and as of right now I don't. And that completely drives me insane.

Add on the make-up work and the graduation speech that I have two and a half weeks to write, and I was fuming. I even did a major rant to my mother.

But then I realized... what good is any of this stressing doing? I need to just take one thing at a time. I have a few days to figure out the housing stuff before the deadline hits. The lady who e-mailed me was very nice and I'm sure that she's not going to be mad if I don't get the scholarship video in on time. I can think of something to write for my speech; my FFA advisor even offered to help me out.

It's all about my attitude. If I keep stressing over every little thing, then I'm going to have no time to enjoy my last two and a half weeks of high school.

I changed my attitude towards state convention, and it ended up being fun! Now I just need to do the same with everything else.

The after after-prom

It is currently 5:25 a.m. in the morning, and even though I've been up for a full 22 hours, for some odd reason I don't feel like going to sleep just yet so instead I'm going to blog.

The Pros and Cons of Prom 2014:

Pros:
+ I realized that a girl who I've taken little opportunity to speak to within the past eight months is actually really fun! I'm so glad that I asked my prom date to go with me back in February, and I know that she had a great time.

+ I have $70 to spend on stuff! Yay!

+ They played Let it Go at the banquet AND during the dance!!!!

+ HILARIOUS hypnotist show.

+ Lots of reminiscing and good memories with some of my best senior friends. :-)

+ I finally had an excuse to wash my truck and clean out the inside. :-P

Cons:
- They announced that the entire after-prom costed $16,000. Sixteen. Thousand. DOLLARS. W-... what? That is absolutely insane! The things that could be done with $16,000 for a homeless shelter or a community in a third-world country are enormous, and here we are blowing it off on TV's, giant blow-up thingies and whatever.

- Dinner was kind of awkward but that's pretty normal...

- My head hurts for some reason. Maybe lack of sleep?

Hmm... that's all I've got folks. It's likely I won't see any of you until this Wednesday, so have a good few days everyone! :-) Also, please pray for Katy Goemaat. She had an accident in P.E. the other day, as many of you know, and it hurts me to see her older sister - one of my best friends throughout my life - having to go through this ordeal. I don't know Katy personally but I want to pray for her recovery.

Anyway, good night!

(Or good morning...?)

Crunch time

Once Saturday hits, the next three weeks are pretty much going to spiral into one big event after another. In order: Prom, State FFA Convention, Spring Concert, Senior Class Trip, Pella Corp Banquet, my graduation party, other graduation parties, Senior Showcase, semester tests, more graduation parties, and... Graduation Day!

It makes me a little overwhelmed just looking at that list...

However, I'm excited. We finally got our graduation invites tonight and got them all sealed up to be passed out at school or sent via mail. I realized today that I have three and a half weeks to write a graduation speech. That sort of lit a fire under my butt and now I'm going to be working on that in my spare time. I also have to start focusing on college stuff like choosing a dorm room and other things.

Despite my negative comments about Prom a few days ago, I talked to my prom date today and I can tell that she's super excited for Saturday... and that made me much more excited too. While I'm glad I'll get a better chance to know her, I am admittedly a bit nervous since I'm not used to going to Prom with someone whom I know little about.

Everything's coming down to the wire...

It's coming down
I'M YELLING TIMBER!!!!

:-)

Mixed feelings

I'm sort of past the phase of worrying about college (on the contrary, I'm kind of looking forward to finally getting settled next August) and more worried about the next three to four weeks.

For starters, Prom is this weekend. I have to admit that I'm not as excited for Prom as the other 99% of the school is. I just don't like the general premise of the night. It feels like nothing more than a glorified popularity contest where we spend way too much money that could be going towards charities and communities in deprived countries. Last year we spent over $12,000 on after-prom alone. TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. And that doesn't include money for the actual Prom activities! Think about this: the community comes together to earn that much money for a dance with high-schoolers, yet we rarely see those kinds of donations for people who actually NEED help.

That being said... I'll make the most of it.

Of course, I think my excitement for Prom would be higher if I didn't have to attend State FFA Convention for the next three days afterwards. That just kind of throws a wrench in the entire week. And unlike Prom, I won't have any good friends up there to talk to. *sigh*

Then I have two days next week to go to school before the senior class trip. Ah... senior trip! This is more like what I've been looking forward to. Just me and my amigos favoritos taking on the Windy City. I'm super excited. Six Flags, Blue Man Group, zoos, bike rides (I NEVER thought I'd be excited for that!!!), Medieval Times, and lots of good food! :-)

In the following days I can kind of take a breather. Well, not really, because my graduation party will be that Friday night and my parents are going to be super on-edge all week.

And graduation is the following weekend.

I'm not sure how I feel about that yet...

Random acts of texting

Tonight something happened spontaneously that totally made my night.

I was texting a friend who happened to be watching Frozen, and out of nowhere we just started bursting into random quotes and lyrics from songs of the movie.

A few excerpts from our dialogue: (we didn't start until around 1/3 of the way through the movie so we missed a lot of the good songs at the beginning, unfortunately)

"It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and make through." "Reindeer are better than people, Sven don't ya think I'm riiiiiiight." "What if you don't like the way he picks his nose? EWWWW. And EATS it. Excuse me sir, he is a PRINCE! All men do it..." "Knock. Just knock. Why isn't she knocking? Do you think she knows how to knock?" "No escape from the storm inside of me... don't panic. There's so much fear..." "IT IS NOT NICE TO THROW PEOPLE!!!" "He brought a GIRL!" "Is it the clumpy way he walks? Or the grumpy way he talks?" "Let's go kiss Hans!... Who is this Hans?!" "Queen Elsa don't be the monster they fear you are..." "Some people are worth melting for. :-)" "KRIIIIIIIISTOOOOOOOFFFFF :-(" "Elsa! You can't run from this..." (We both sent that text at the same time!) "Love will thaw" "Nanana heya noonana nananananana heya heya noonanana" "The only frozen heart around here is yours!" "Let it go!!!"

:-)

So much fun in simple text messages.

Who... not where

Tonight I shared a glorious four hours with my two closest friends. We see eachother all of the time, but most of the time it's in scenarios where we can't actually open up due to time restraints or things like that.

We didn't really do anything particularly fancy. We drove to Pella, ate at Culver's, went out to Lake Red Rock, and just walked around the trails for a bit before we sat down at a picnic bench in the darkness.

Four hours of nothing extravagant... yet it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time.

One of my two friends made a comment that struck me hard in particular: "It's not about where you're at, but who you're with."

With the three of us so uncertain about our futures, our lives, and what paths God is taking us down, we're all so concerned about the where that we've almost forgotten the who.

And I finally realized why I'm so sad about leaving next year. It's not the setting of New Sharon that I'm going to miss, but the relationships that I've built with some people around here. Why have the past four months been the best period of my life? It's not because of where I live, but who I live with. I have no doubts that living in Iowa City will be a breath of fresh air. In fact, I'm already looking forward to the more liberal atmosphere of that city. But... I have already accepted the fact that I am going to have a rough time adjusting to college life for the simple reason that I will not be seeing the five or six people that I can turn to for anything on a regular basis.

I'm not really sure where this blog post is going since I didn't have a particular agenda or a message to get across, but that's what has been on my mind.

Blood moon

My cousin posted a verse on Facebook this morning that correlates to the "blood moon" that people have been talking about this week:

"The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Lord." Acts 2:20

Now, I probably don't know all there is to know about this verse, but doesn't it seem a little odd that this blood moon is happening RIGHT BEFORE EASTER SUNDAY.

I haven't been a Christian for long, but I keep forgetting about the fact that Jesus Christ is going to return someday, and it just kind of startled me when I realized that it could literally happen any moment. It could happen in fifty minutes or fifty centuries.

And that gives me hope. His love gives me hope. And even though I spent probably half of my time tonight feeling sorry for myself and wishing that I could just run away, I kept glancing at that moon on the horizon and realizing that He gave it all up for me.
All of it.

...

(And yes, I still am a little suspicious about this whole blood-moon-that's-clearly-referenced-in-the-Bible-happening-the-same-week-as-Easter thing.)

Anyway... whether y'all are on a beach in Puerto Rico, at family dinners in good ol' Iowa, or freezing your toes off in Minnesota, have a wonderful Easter guys! :-)

The transitioning of seasons

As the week of Iowa Jazz Championships comes to a close and I return to the school setting, the fact that I only have close to 20 days of school left is starting to sink in... and it's becoming more real than I've ever known.

Today, I spent an entire period of the day just laughing with nine other people. We've all ridden together on this crazy train that's called high school, and it was great to reminisce over good times with them for 45 minutes.

Nearly everyone that I talk to is ready for high school to be over, but I'm just not at that point yet. My social life basically blossomed earlier this year, and to think that I won't get to see some of these people again saddens me. :-( 

As the ground thaws and the green grass begins to show, another reality sets in: summer is coming. This is a much more calming thought though. I'm already envisioning the days of spending hours outside and (maybe...!) going kayaking with some of my best friends. 

I want to make this summer unforgettable.

Jazz, bikes, grace, scholarships, and memories :-)

My life feels like it's been some sort of massive whirlwind of interconnected emotions over the past few days. In order of occurrence from Tuesday morning to Thursday evening:

Sleepiness, excitement, nostalgia, happiness, nervousness, disappointment, utter heart-is-falling-out-of-my-chest-feeling (this was while we were waiting for the daytime results at Iowa Jazz Championships), overwhelming joy, pride, tons of tears after playing my final performance at the Civic Center, chills, laughs, an accomplished feeling of winning state championship, restlessness (I couldn't get to sleep til 3:00 that night), more nostalgia, envy, fatigue, appreciation, more nostalgia, sadness, anxiety, super anxiety, 9.5/10 anxiety, fear, a little pain, joy, happiness, love, more anxiety, anger, negativity, exhaustion, soreness, laziness, happiness again, food (that's not an emotion but it feels like it is), more soreness, senioritis, laughs, more soreness again (for some reason riding a bike really strained my gluteus maximus), calmness, forgiveness, and then... out of nowhere... accomplishment.

These emotions are the long process of going up to state jazz, playing during the day, going to the awards ceremony, playing at the Civic Center, receiving 1st Place that night, waking up in the morning, going home, going to the school assembly, helping move furniture, having one of the best nights of my life learning to ride a bike, grudgingly going to school the next day, and coming home that night to find out that I received the $6,000 Pella Corp Scholarship.

Out of all of that, I highlighted the three emotions that stick out to me the most.

Disappointment. I was so disappointed at 4:00 in the afternoon when I discovered that I hadn't received an Outstanding Soloist Award. I don't know why, but at the time that devastated me. I had put a seemingly endless amount of time and effort into that solo, and I just felt completely bummed because I hadn't gotten it. And yet... looking back on that, it seems silly. We won the state championship! And besides, it's just the opinion of a few judges.

Love. I didn't realize it at the time, but the feeling of learning to ride a bike in the presence of some of my closest friends and two of the most caring adults I've ever known is going to stick with me for the rest of my life. These two could've given up supporting me after I failed the first 20 times, but they didn't. They could've stopped shouting words of encouragement or pushing me up every time I lost my balance, but they didn't.

Accomplishment. I know that money is not supposed to be the focus of life... but after putting hours and hours into a certain scholarship application that normally isn't awarded to the sons or daughters of employees that work in the factory part of Pella Corp, it's just nice to know that all of that hard work paid off.

So there's everything I've been feeling in the past 60 hours. Kind of incredible when you lay it all out like that... there's so many lows and highs, but they all group together for one of the best experiences of my life. :-)

Thoughts

A lot has happened in the past two days.

An emotional breakdown occurred yesterday after I read a Facebook post that wasn't even directed at me, but completely hurt me on the inside. But then such a bizarre thing happened... God gave me the challenge of either showing grace or turning my back without forgiveness, and I chose the former. Such a seemingly horrible day for me turned into a faith-builder; sometimes God picks odd ways of growing us, and this was definitely an odd way.

Today's evening brought a few hours of me and my closest friend having a big long "life talk" as we rummaged around Osky to get things for Iowa Jazz Championships (at Wal-Mart... go figure). At one point, I brought up that my biggest pet peeve in life was people who are lazy, rude, and disrespectful. There is someone who I have known my entire life who fits all three of these categories, and it makes my gears turn whenever they try and force that stuff upon me.

In fact, as I type this, that exact person just yelled at my mother as he sits on the couch, leeching off of his parents and not paying either of them the slightest bit of respect. It angers me.

And then we started talking about someone who is the exact opposite.

This girl is not much older than me. She has pretty much been homeless for several years now, and she is currently living with two of my adult friends. She works two jobs, goes to school, and has a smile on her face after the long day. Or atleast every time I see her she does.

I realized tonight that I have nothing but admiration and respect for her. We always prize people over their accomplishments, awards, etc... but to my knowledge, this young lady trumps almost all of the people that I personally know with her work ethic and ambition. She never lets any issues stop her from achieving her goals, and she has a positive, up-beat attitude about life. In fact, the things that she has overcome make me feel ashamed of myself for complaining and whining over little setbacks on a daily basis.

So that's what I've been thinking.

Well, almost.

My final year at Iowa Jazz Championships is coming up tomorrow. I currently have a mixture of excitement, anxiety, nerves, joy, and nostalgia in my heart.

There...

That's everything I've been thinking about.

:-)

Finding the right words

I am so good at planning conversations in my head.

I envision the scenario, physically talk it out when no one else is around, and then store the dialogue away so that I supposedly can use it when the perfect opportunity to initiate the conversation arrives. (You're probably thinking that I'm a bit crazy right now, but this is seriously what I do since I have quite a bit of social anxiety... especially on subjects that I'm uncomfortable with.)

About 95% of the time, however, this doesn't work.

Emotions take over immediately after I either reach the perfect opportunity OR start the conversation, and it goes absolutely nothing like I wanted it to.

And then I spend hours afterwards thinking about how I missed a chance to talk about something or didn't say the right thing or accidentally said the wrong thing or blah blah blah blah.

But... why?

Why do I dwell on the past and adjust memories to my liking? Why do I physically plan out the future? No matter how much I look into the past or future, one of them is irreversible and the other is about as predictable as Iowa's weather.

I need to quit being bound by the thoughts of what others thought or will think and just flow with it. What's done is done... and what's going to happen is in God's hands.

Dreams

Everyone's been blogging about dreams as of late, so here are a few of mine.

I dream of being a tech nerd who assembles, picks apart, fixes, and tinkers with computers as a business. Instead of cursing whenever my laptop is slow (like I do now), I want to know exactly how to remedy it.

I dream that I get to keep playing trombone for the rest of my life. Whether that's in a performing jazz band or just as a hobby, I don't care... I just don't want to quit.

I dream that I someday have the money and resources to impact those living in poverty throughout this world. It hurts me emotionally to see such a massive portion of humanity going through horrible conditions like they do.

I dream that I someday have the money to go places all over the world and take my friends with me. Italy, Britain, France, Australia, the Caribbean... EVERYWHERE. Except North Korea.

I dream that I never lose contact with my best friends. With everyone going their separate ways in nearly five months (including a few of my adult friends...) and some staying behind in high school, I want to continue to keep these people in my lives.

I dream that I finally learn how to ride a bike. Preferably sometime within the next month, BEFORE we go on the senior class trip. :-)

I dream that the persistent prayers I've been making become a reality in the future. Whether it takes three days or three decades, I don't care... I just hope that God gives me answers to them.

Finally, I dream of riding a jet ski. Why? BECAUSE IT'S A FREAKIN' JET SKI.