A Heavy Heart

I've had a heavy heart today.

I wish that I knew exactly what's causing it, but I can't put my finger on it. Am I growing too selfish? Am I being ignorant? Or am I really just missing something in my life to bring me joy?

I find myself getting sad or upset over the littlest things.

I find myself dreading future events that I really have no reason to dread at all.

On a campus with 30,000 students, I feel so alone...

How is that even possible? How is it that I've not managed to find one person over the course of 10 and a half weeks that I feel like I can share personal stuff with? I have so many friends up here, and yet I feel like I'm just convincing myself that they're friends when they're really more like acquaintances.

I had such an awesome weekend at home. However, I'm starting to think that these trips home are unhealthy for me, because they just encourage me to miss the people at home even more when I return to college rather than gaining independence from them. Is that what I want? Less contact with those that I love? Certainly not, but I also don't want to feel so alone up here.

So much... stuff going on in this heavy heart.

God, help me empty out that garbage that's filling in the spaces of my heart, because it's just weighing me down.

Time

It doesn't seem possible to me that I embarked on my college experience almost eight weeks ago.

I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that I bawled as my family left me in my dorm room alone...?

*checks calendar*

Nope. That was 53 days ago.

It was 52 days ago that I met the sousies.
It was 51 days ago that I started "Hell Week."
It was 49 days ago that we had our sectional party. Hehehehe.
It was 45 days ago that I started classes.
It was 40 days ago that I marched for the first time in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 38 days ago that I made the long drive back up to Iowa City. I was sad because I wouldn't be back home for a long time.
It was 34 days ago that I came down with a cold. A cold that would last for like THREE WEEKS.
It was 33 days ago that I got puked on by a guy in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 28 days ago that I cried after taking my Calculus quiz because I knew I had bombed it.
It was 26 days ago that Iowa lost to Iowa State. And I was sick as a dog. Not a great day.
It was 22 days ago that I was prescribed antibiotics for my horrible sickness.
It was 20 days ago that I joyously left Iowa City, ready for an awesome weekend at home. Plus insane coughing.
It was 19 days ago that I left for Ottumwa in the morning to see two of my best friends.
It was 13 days ago that I sat on a bus for like seven hours with drunk people... FUN. Lol
It was 10 days ago that I took my Calculus mid-term exam. Not a good day.
It was 7 days ago that I basically had a break down while overthinking every aspect of my life.
It was 6 days ago that I spent a night with two of my best friends. :-)
It was 5 days ago that I spent another night with even more of my best friends. :-)
It was 13 hours ago that I turned in my Calculus quiz and actually felt good about it!
It was 1 hour ago that I started to think about this...

How is it that I can remember almost every day of my first eight weeks up here? I haven't keep any sort of diary or journal at all, yet I can pull each and every one of the events from that list off of the top of my head.

Funny how time works...

Something's off

I was walking back to my dorm room tonight, and it's a solid 10 minute walk since I ate dinner at the dining hall on the opposite side of the river.

This week has been full of an awful lot of regret for me. Regretting taking Calculus is probably the highest thing on my list. It's too hard for me, and I should have known it the first week. But I didn't. I was bullheaded and decided to do it anyway, and now I'm looking at possibly failing the course. I don't know how I did on my mid-term exam, but I'm not feeling too hopeful about it.

Anyway, that's not the point of this post.

As I started to walk across the river bridge, I got hit by a strange realization...

I don't like where I'm headed.

As a university, this could not have been much of a better choice. As a major, however... I am having my doubts.

Computer Science jobs pay extremely well, and they are in high demand. Could there really be a much better combination than that? However, I've started noticing something as I dig further and further into jobs for CS majors, and that's the lack of a social aspect. It's all completely technology, numbers, and developing things on your own.

But if this path is not the answer, then what is? The U of I has tons of avenues to explore. But which one is right for me?