It's been forever since I blogged, so I figured it was about time to throw some stuff out there.
The week has started off shakily; lots of ups and downs and lots of new stress added to my life. With orientation at Iowa in two weeks, it's time to get ready for that. For me, it means practicing for my solo audition for marching band. Additionally, I recently learned that I'm a semi-finalist for an Iowa-specific scholarship, so I have to be interviewed at orientation. The idea of all of that going on in just a few days isn't exactly appealing to me...
At home, things are constantly bouncing around. One day, my parents drive me off of the walls and I want nothing more than to get out of this house. Other days, we bond. One thing that seems constant though with all of the days is that I just feel out of place. I don't like sitting here at home every day. I enjoyed that last summer, but last summer was under totally different circumstances than now. I just feel like everyone I know is going on trips and having a real social life every day and night while I'm cooped up in my hole. That's not how I wanted to spend my summer before college at all.
Still, I do manage to find oases (that's plural for oasis...) of joy. This Thursday night I play in the Oskaloosa City Band, which is always a good time. Friday night I plan to go out to eat with friends, and I'm also hoping for the usual home church this weekend. As long as I can keep some contact with civilization in my life, I won't go crazy over the next three months.
That's my beginning-of-June update.
Let's just say that I'm hoping for some significant change by the end...
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Thoughts
I don't think that the first week off of school has treated me too well.
I just feel... depressed. Not a severe type of depression (if it was, I probably wouldn't be talking about it on my blog), just enough to feel consistently sad or discontent.
Things are changing and I don't like it.
My daily events, the people I see every day, my relationships... everything.
Lately it seems like everything I do isn't enough for people, even though I try my hardest to satisfy everyone.
It's a weird transitioning phase and while I'll probably get out of it, it's left me kind of stagnant and out of place at the moment.
I just feel... depressed. Not a severe type of depression (if it was, I probably wouldn't be talking about it on my blog), just enough to feel consistently sad or discontent.
Things are changing and I don't like it.
My daily events, the people I see every day, my relationships... everything.
Lately it seems like everything I do isn't enough for people, even though I try my hardest to satisfy everyone.
It's a weird transitioning phase and while I'll probably get out of it, it's left me kind of stagnant and out of place at the moment.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Summer kick-off day!
What a beautiful day!
For starters... waking up at 8:30 a.m. was probably the greatest feeling ever.
I'm the type that prefers clouds and wind over sun and heat, so I enjoyed the weather today. It inspired me to simply take a walk around the farm and enjoy the feeling of the cool wind against my face while my dog jumped alongside me.
I made a cool collage of the senior wallet pictures that I've been collecting over the past months. While I didn't get them from all of my class, I've got 25 students on there and it's a neat keepsake sort of thing that's hanging in my room right now.
Had some hot dogs for lunch, played Mass Effect in the afternoon, and just enjoyed some ice cream before chore time... our freezer is spilling over with leftover ice cream from my graduation party.
It was a good day. :-)
For starters... waking up at 8:30 a.m. was probably the greatest feeling ever.
I'm the type that prefers clouds and wind over sun and heat, so I enjoyed the weather today. It inspired me to simply take a walk around the farm and enjoy the feeling of the cool wind against my face while my dog jumped alongside me.
I made a cool collage of the senior wallet pictures that I've been collecting over the past months. While I didn't get them from all of my class, I've got 25 students on there and it's a neat keepsake sort of thing that's hanging in my room right now.
Had some hot dogs for lunch, played Mass Effect in the afternoon, and just enjoyed some ice cream before chore time... our freezer is spilling over with leftover ice cream from my graduation party.
It was a good day. :-)
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Discontent
I hate this feeling.
I hate knowing that, even though I prayed and hoped for people to open their hearts up, nothing really ended up changing in anyone.
I hate it that a friendship that I've tried so hard to build is crumbling and that there's really nothing left to do but let it down softly.
I hate it that in a little less than four days, I'm going to have to revert to my summer phase where I show sheep and goats, live my little secluded life at home, and try to live up to standards that I have continuously forced myself to do for years on end - only to not reach them, like always.
I hate this feeling.
And it's not going away.
I hate knowing that, even though I prayed and hoped for people to open their hearts up, nothing really ended up changing in anyone.
I hate it that a friendship that I've tried so hard to build is crumbling and that there's really nothing left to do but let it down softly.
I hate it that in a little less than four days, I'm going to have to revert to my summer phase where I show sheep and goats, live my little secluded life at home, and try to live up to standards that I have continuously forced myself to do for years on end - only to not reach them, like always.
I hate this feeling.
And it's not going away.
Monday, May 12, 2014
All for Jesus
A beautiful moment arose tonight as myself, three of my best friends, and others gathered to make music for Jesus.
In all of the hullabaloo of graduation stuff, it's so easy for us to focus on ourselves so much that we lose sight of who it's really all about: Jesus Christ. And in the auditorium tonight with just us, our voices, and five instruments, we put Him above everything else... just like we should do all of the time.
Actually, out of the group that was there, I was probably the one who had heard these songs the least. But that gave me even more room to sit back and listen to the beauty of the music that they were making. Not just beautiful tones and chords, but beautiful words on top of everything.
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Tonight I was reminded that, even during the most stressful times, we are living for Christ. None of it matters without Him...
In all of the hullabaloo of graduation stuff, it's so easy for us to focus on ourselves so much that we lose sight of who it's really all about: Jesus Christ. And in the auditorium tonight with just us, our voices, and five instruments, we put Him above everything else... just like we should do all of the time.
Actually, out of the group that was there, I was probably the one who had heard these songs the least. But that gave me even more room to sit back and listen to the beauty of the music that they were making. Not just beautiful tones and chords, but beautiful words on top of everything.
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Tonight I was reminded that, even during the most stressful times, we are living for Christ. None of it matters without Him...
Sunday, May 11, 2014
A million years ago
It feels like a million years ago since...
That first text message I got asking me to come to youth group.
The various excuses I came up with to avoid going to youth group. (Lol)
Finally realizing that I couldn't hold back anymore.
Riding up to the church, scared to death of what would happen.
Crawling underneath of that little table while we played Sardines.
Walking away that night, beaming at how great of a time I had...
And so it began.
At first it was the Sunday mornings when I would wake up, excited that it was youth group day. And then in early January I started counting the days til every upcoming Walnut Street Church session, where I quickly made friends with a girl who I'd paid little attention to throughout high school and got to know two of the most incredible adults I've met to to this day. Pretty soon I went to a Baptist church (if you had told me a year ago that I'd be going to a Baptist church in Des Moines with two non-family adults, their three girls, Kyle, and three of my classmates, I would've faked laughed and slowly backed away), met two amazing NM graduates who I now see frequently at Walnut Street, learned to ride a bike, and went up to Des Moines to feed the homeless.
None of that would've happened without my first positive experience at youth group.
It's not like jazz band. Yes, I had a great time in jazz band, but the beginning of youth group marked a different transition in life... my transition to living for God. It was a process, and some other amazing people played strong roles in that process, but youth group marked one of the first events leading up to it.
And to think that I was so terrified of what would happen the first time...
That first text message I got asking me to come to youth group.
The various excuses I came up with to avoid going to youth group. (Lol)
Finally realizing that I couldn't hold back anymore.
Riding up to the church, scared to death of what would happen.
Crawling underneath of that little table while we played Sardines.
Walking away that night, beaming at how great of a time I had...
And so it began.
At first it was the Sunday mornings when I would wake up, excited that it was youth group day. And then in early January I started counting the days til every upcoming Walnut Street Church session, where I quickly made friends with a girl who I'd paid little attention to throughout high school and got to know two of the most incredible adults I've met to to this day. Pretty soon I went to a Baptist church (if you had told me a year ago that I'd be going to a Baptist church in Des Moines with two non-family adults, their three girls, Kyle, and three of my classmates, I would've faked laughed and slowly backed away), met two amazing NM graduates who I now see frequently at Walnut Street, learned to ride a bike, and went up to Des Moines to feed the homeless.
None of that would've happened without my first positive experience at youth group.
It's not like jazz band. Yes, I had a great time in jazz band, but the beginning of youth group marked a different transition in life... my transition to living for God. It was a process, and some other amazing people played strong roles in that process, but youth group marked one of the first events leading up to it.
And to think that I was so terrified of what would happen the first time...
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Sin
Within the first five months of my faithwalk, sin has been a tough subject for me to analyze (I love analyzing things) because of its sensitivity. There's all of this hullabaloo going on about what God means by this sin or this one or whatever and whether or not some sins are worse than others (which is 110% false). For a while I didn't even understand that sin isn't just a wrongful act; it's something much greater than that.
This world is crawling with sin.
It's like a mosquito. We can swat one, or shoo one out the window, or cover ourselves in mosquito repellent to keep it away for a bit, but eventually it will come back. Additionally, a mosquito's bite reflects how we handle sin. If we don't touch it again, it goes away quickly. If we start scratching, then it just gets worse and worse until it scabs.
(Because for some reason Noah decided to let the mosquitoes on the Ark...)
In all seriousness though... we cannot escape sin.
"For all have sinned and all fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23
All fall short of the glory of God.
If our God was not the loving one that He is, we would all just be left to succumb to the evils of this sinful world and go to hell.
But rejoice, because we don't have to face this end!
God is not looking for that one person who managed to live without sin for his or her entire life (probably because that would be impossible), or the people who just happened to commit less sin than others.
No.
God wants only one thing from us. He wants us to put our faith in Him and Him alone.
I don't know why this is such a big revelation for me now. Four months ago I told myself and I told all of my best friends that I needed Jesus in my life, and I got that. But now another door is opening for me as I see the reason behind all of this.
I was a slave to sin.
You were a slave to sin.
We were all slaves to sin.
But even though sin still festers in this world and catches up with us no matter how hard we try, we are not slaves to it anymore.
Jesus set us free!
I feel like I need to go preach this on the rooftops or something...
This world is crawling with sin.
It's like a mosquito. We can swat one, or shoo one out the window, or cover ourselves in mosquito repellent to keep it away for a bit, but eventually it will come back. Additionally, a mosquito's bite reflects how we handle sin. If we don't touch it again, it goes away quickly. If we start scratching, then it just gets worse and worse until it scabs.
(Because for some reason Noah decided to let the mosquitoes on the Ark...)
In all seriousness though... we cannot escape sin.
"For all have sinned and all fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23
All fall short of the glory of God.
If our God was not the loving one that He is, we would all just be left to succumb to the evils of this sinful world and go to hell.
But rejoice, because we don't have to face this end!
God is not looking for that one person who managed to live without sin for his or her entire life (probably because that would be impossible), or the people who just happened to commit less sin than others.
No.
God wants only one thing from us. He wants us to put our faith in Him and Him alone.
I don't know why this is such a big revelation for me now. Four months ago I told myself and I told all of my best friends that I needed Jesus in my life, and I got that. But now another door is opening for me as I see the reason behind all of this.
I was a slave to sin.
You were a slave to sin.
We were all slaves to sin.
But even though sin still festers in this world and catches up with us no matter how hard we try, we are not slaves to it anymore.
Jesus set us free!
I feel like I need to go preach this on the rooftops or something...
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