Hey guys, it's 2015

The past seven days have been madness for me in every shape and form, so it was a little weird when I stepped back this morning, took a deep breath, and realized that the year was 2015.

I'll start with the rather huge elephant in the room...

On the third morning of 2015, I totalled my truck on I-80 because... wait for it... I fell asleep. I had been in Jacksonville Florida for the past three days, and gotten almost zero sleep, and I knew that I should not have been driving that late at night while I was that tired. I'll spare the details, but basically the front end of my truck was trashed while I walked away from it with zero scratches. Thankfully no other vehicles were involved, and the only damage done other than my vehicle were a few cable barriers in the center of the four-lane. I spent that night bawling while trying to go to sleep... partially because of what had happened, but partially because God chose to spare me in that moment, and I wanted a direct answer as to why. I could've died... and had I made the wrong move or drifted in the wrong direction, I most certainly would have.

But I didn't.

This is just one of the many reasons why my first week of 2015 has been spent in a state of chaotic emotional disarray. For some things, like that accident, the disarray is a lot me begging to God for an answer and expecting it right away. But I keep reminding myself that God is not the type of teacher who gives his students every question and answer that will be on their exam; no, He is the type of teacher that wants us to take the material that we've studied and learn something from it as opposed to just memorizing facts and figures.

Some of the disarray has been good, though. It's been good at allowing me to blossom in some relationships, clear out awkward barriers with others, and cut the ropes to some of them that just weren't working out (and even though that sounds bad, it's really not). The bowl trip was a chance for me to grow even closer to several of the members of my section, and it makes me all the more excited for another year of marching band at Iowa. The aftermath of the crash has also A) Taught me a lesson on something that I normally take for granted, and B) Has reinforced the fact that God has his hand in everything that we do. Because while the odds of me surviving that crash weren't in my favor, the odds of me walking away from it with zero injuries whatsoever is a miracle. And while I don't know what that means for me yet, I have never had more trust in God than I do right now.

7 unbelievable crazy days down... 358 to go.

BRING IT ON 2015.

Turning the Page

What a weird week this has been.

First of all, it hasn't even felt like a week. It feels like I'm having a continuous weekend that is strung together by a few exams that I have to take. And for the record, I'm fairly certain that I've pulled off a B+ in Calculus. I will find out in a few days, but refer back to some of my previous blog posts to see how egregiously worried I have been about it...

Second, I'm having a little trouble realizing that in about 36 hours, I will have completed my first semester at the University of Iowa. It feels sort of surreal. A year ago at this time, I couldn't even begin to imagine how on earth I would manage in a place that was *gasp* not New Sharon! I'm still kind of laughing at how stressed out I was. Granted, I'm still always stressed out about something, but damn it, I love my university and I've loved the experience so far. Bring on Chapter 2.

Speaking of my hometown... I will always like my hometown. It will always bring back nostalgia. But I'm honestly not looking forward to returning to it. I love a few of the people there. I like the fact that my bed will always be my bed (this is actually a big deal, because even though I'm calling my dorm room home, the bed still doesn't feel right for some reason). But it's not my life anymore. And it feels as though I am putting on some hat for four and a half weeks where I pretend to revert back to my previous lifestyle even though that's going to be literally impossible.

I'm also just going through a lot of odd heartaches and angers right now. Most of them are little petty things that I can get over in time, but at one point I had an awful lot of negativity directed towards God, and even though I can say now that this was wrong, reaching that point on Monday night was kind of scary. I am working to get back on track after this faltering early in the week, but prayers would still be appreciated.

If you're reading this blog and you will be in New Sharon over Christmas break, I would much appreciate catching up. Because if there's one thing that I can hold onto with the New Sharon community, it is the few amazing people who I will always be connected to because of it.

That guy who's not in a relationship giving relationship advice

Yeah, I'm going to be... that guy.

But seriously...

I was on Facebook tonight, and I saw a girl posting pictures of her and her boyfriend. Her headline was: "Tomorrow, me and my best friend will have been together for one month!!!!"

I've just realized something about social media...

We use it as a way to reassure ourselves.

If you're posting a picture about how your 1-month anniversary with your boyfriend is tomorrow, then you're mainly trying to let the world know that you're in a relationship and that they should take you seriously now. Because you're a freshman, and you've been in "love" for one month, and "this is a big deal so look at this picture of me and my boyfriend and see how grown up I am".

The problem with this mentality is that it's falsifying what we call a "relationship". In a real relationship, you love someone, but you don't use that relationship as a way to boost your social status. It's like a Christian who constantly claims that they love Jesus, yet never attempts to have a real relationship with him. You can post every Bible verse you want, talk about how you went to church this morning, and talk about how Jesus will solve everyone's problems in the world, but unless you're actually exercising those words, then they are hollow. I'm not going to say that I've never done it, because I have, but this issue becomes so blatantly obvious when we compare it to things like going overboard for your 1-month anniversary.

Then again, maybe one month of dating really is an accomplishment nowadays. "Love" or whatever it is tends to be really loose and... dare I say, taken for granted in our culture? Perhaps one month actually is a big deal.

I guess I wouldn't really know. *wink*

Monday!

It's Monday at the University of Iowa!

I went to my 8:30 Calculus lecture this morning, and didn't understand a lick of the material. My professor continuously scribbled various notations, theorems, and equations onto the chalkboard, and I sort of had a gaping stare for most of that time. The handles on the clock never seemed to move... and he constantly reminded us that this stuff would be on the final exam. Yikes.

Despite this, I'm proud of myself for making it this far in the course. I could've dumped it in the first two weeks, but if I had done that, I would be behind in my math requirements for my major and I wouldn't have became such good friends with this guy that sits next to me.

Also, I'm done for the day! My Rhetoric professor canceled class because he was in Spain over the weekend and won't be back in time for our class.

You know what that means?

Time to procrast- I mean, study...

Have a happy Monday everyone!

Lessons

Thanksgiving break really turned out to be more of an eye-opener than I expected.

Actually, I'm not really sure what I was expecting when I went home. I think that I definitely painted myself a very rosy picture of what I wanted everything to be like for the five days that I spent there, but that ended up being totally unrealistic as the week drug on and I found myself longing to return to Iowa City.

A lot of wounds were reopened this week, and it hurts. Especially after the healing process that God has put me through over the past month. But as a good friend of mine told me this morning, "you make the choice to keep moving forward... lean to God."

Those are such simple, yet wise words. It's just another choice, isn't it?

However, I'm happy that I went through the pain of going home with week because it helped me work on so many important "faith lessons"...

- Self-Conviction. This is never something that I've struggled with, it's just something that I've always thought was unimportant, but it really isn't. The ability to identify my own sins is far more important than being able to identify anyone else's.
- Perseverance. Back in September, I was pleading to God to clear up the tremendous stress in my life. Crying. Begging. Everything that I could possibly do. Three months later, I understand that there was a purpose for all of it.
- Forgiveness. This is by far the most difficult one. God makes it look so easy... but it's really not, because I'm a human and I so badly want to retaliate when I'm wronged. But I won't.

A rather troublesome week was closed off by one of the most fantastic Saturdays that I've ever had. I got paid 50 bucks to go to two sporting events, enjoyed some much-needed alone time in my dorm room, and talked with my best friend for nearly two hours before going to sleep. I also experienced my first wrestling meet at Carver Hawkeye with a few good friends whilst enjoying a nice little concoction of Coca Cola and... something else...

Oops, did I say that? :)


Tomorrow is December 1st. This means that I am only 19 days away from completing my first semester at the University of Iowa. Do you know what the sad part of this is? I don't want to wait another month to return. I wish that I could come home briefly for Christmas, enjoy the company of my family and a few good friends, enjoy three days on a (warm) bowl trip, and then return to Iowa City for the spring.

Alas, that is not how it works... but I am hopeful that God has great things in store for my month at home for Christmas break. Because even though this past week was rough, it strengthened me in a way that I didn't really expect it too.

It's funny...

God never uses obvious scenarios to strengthen us, does He? It's always those random curveballs that sometimes smack you in the stomach...

Little Miss

I don't really care for a lot of what is played on country radio nowadays, but there are a few songs here and there that are incredible in a 90's-country sort of way.

One such song is "Little Miss" by Sugarland. Although this was actually released a few years ago, I've only recently actually taken the time to listen to its lyrics... and it hits home for me in so many ways. It is about a girl who constantly gives her love to everybody at her own expense and sometimes feels as though she is alone in the world. Because the people who care the most about others are usually the ones that feel loneliest... this a sad truth, but it is real.

Take a listen. Jennifer Nettles has a pretty twangy voice, so if you can uncover the lyrics beneath it, you won't be disappointed. :)

13 weeks later...

College...

No one really tells you, do they?

No one tells you that the professor in Calculus is going to be scribbling stuff on the board, and you'll just be sitting there gaping at the notations, numbers, and variables and wondering what on earth the purpose of delta-epsilon notation is and trying to wrap your brain around logarithms.

No one tells you that adjusting to living with a brand new person inside of a building full of people that you don't know is going to be one of the hardest changes of your life.

No one tells you that the marching band is one of the biggest reasons why Iowa is the #2 party school, and that the culture of that band is heavily focused on parties, alcohol, and... yeah, more alcohol. And no one tells you that you'll instantly be thrown into that culture during your very first week of band camp.

No one tells you any of that stuff.

However...

You tell yourself that you're going to work hard on Calculus assignments, do lots of extra practice problems, and actually ask for help, and all of a sudden you can actually take the derivative of 3x² - √(sinx + sec²x) and actually understand what it means!

You tell yourself that it's ok to go out and chill with other people on the floor, laugh with your roommate, and have a dance party at 11:00 at night because... why not? No curfew, my homework is done, and we've almost made it through the first semester guys! Woohoo!!!

You tell yourself that this perceived "drinking" culture that's in the marching band is really not as horrible as some people make it out to be, and that it's better to go with the flow, laugh, maybe do a few stupid things, regret it (sort of) in the morning, and look back on that experience with a smile as opposed to sitting in my room all night, by myself, making zero memories.

...

13 weeks ago, no one told me that college would be any of that stuff, and if they had told me, I would've been a distraught mess.

And there have been struggles. The level of anxiety that I experienced throughout the month of September was off the charts.

But today, I can honestly say that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. And it's all because no one told me what college would be... instead, I figured it out on my own.