What a weird week this has been.
First of all, it hasn't even felt like a week. It feels like I'm having a continuous weekend that is strung together by a few exams that I have to take. And for the record, I'm fairly certain that I've pulled off a B+ in Calculus. I will find out in a few days, but refer back to some of my previous blog posts to see how egregiously worried I have been about it...
Second, I'm having a little trouble realizing that in about 36 hours, I will have completed my first semester at the University of Iowa. It feels sort of surreal. A year ago at this time, I couldn't even begin to imagine how on earth I would manage in a place that was *gasp* not New Sharon! I'm still kind of laughing at how stressed out I was. Granted, I'm still always stressed out about something, but damn it, I love my university and I've loved the experience so far. Bring on Chapter 2.
Speaking of my hometown... I will always like my hometown. It will always bring back nostalgia. But I'm honestly not looking forward to returning to it. I love a few of the people there. I like the fact that my bed will always be my bed (this is actually a big deal, because even though I'm calling my dorm room home, the bed still doesn't feel right for some reason). But it's not my life anymore. And it feels as though I am putting on some hat for four and a half weeks where I pretend to revert back to my previous lifestyle even though that's going to be literally impossible.
I'm also just going through a lot of odd heartaches and angers right now. Most of them are little petty things that I can get over in time, but at one point I had an awful lot of negativity directed towards God, and even though I can say now that this was wrong, reaching that point on Monday night was kind of scary. I am working to get back on track after this faltering early in the week, but prayers would still be appreciated.
If you're reading this blog and you will be in New Sharon over Christmas break, I would much appreciate catching up. Because if there's one thing that I can hold onto with the New Sharon community, it is the few amazing people who I will always be connected to because of it.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Friday, December 5, 2014
That guy who's not in a relationship giving relationship advice
Yeah, I'm going to be... that guy.
But seriously...
I was on Facebook tonight, and I saw a girl posting pictures of her and her boyfriend. Her headline was: "Tomorrow, me and my best friend will have been together for one month!!!!"
I've just realized something about social media...
We use it as a way to reassure ourselves.
If you're posting a picture about how your 1-month anniversary with your boyfriend is tomorrow, then you're mainly trying to let the world know that you're in a relationship and that they should take you seriously now. Because you're a freshman, and you've been in "love" for one month, and "this is a big deal so look at this picture of me and my boyfriend and see how grown up I am".
The problem with this mentality is that it's falsifying what we call a "relationship". In a real relationship, you love someone, but you don't use that relationship as a way to boost your social status. It's like a Christian who constantly claims that they love Jesus, yet never attempts to have a real relationship with him. You can post every Bible verse you want, talk about how you went to church this morning, and talk about how Jesus will solve everyone's problems in the world, but unless you're actually exercising those words, then they are hollow. I'm not going to say that I've never done it, because I have, but this issue becomes so blatantly obvious when we compare it to things like going overboard for your 1-month anniversary.
Then again, maybe one month of dating really is an accomplishment nowadays. "Love" or whatever it is tends to be really loose and... dare I say, taken for granted in our culture? Perhaps one month actually is a big deal.
I guess I wouldn't really know. *wink*
But seriously...
I was on Facebook tonight, and I saw a girl posting pictures of her and her boyfriend. Her headline was: "Tomorrow, me and my best friend will have been together for one month!!!!"
I've just realized something about social media...
We use it as a way to reassure ourselves.
If you're posting a picture about how your 1-month anniversary with your boyfriend is tomorrow, then you're mainly trying to let the world know that you're in a relationship and that they should take you seriously now. Because you're a freshman, and you've been in "love" for one month, and "this is a big deal so look at this picture of me and my boyfriend and see how grown up I am".
The problem with this mentality is that it's falsifying what we call a "relationship". In a real relationship, you love someone, but you don't use that relationship as a way to boost your social status. It's like a Christian who constantly claims that they love Jesus, yet never attempts to have a real relationship with him. You can post every Bible verse you want, talk about how you went to church this morning, and talk about how Jesus will solve everyone's problems in the world, but unless you're actually exercising those words, then they are hollow. I'm not going to say that I've never done it, because I have, but this issue becomes so blatantly obvious when we compare it to things like going overboard for your 1-month anniversary.
Then again, maybe one month of dating really is an accomplishment nowadays. "Love" or whatever it is tends to be really loose and... dare I say, taken for granted in our culture? Perhaps one month actually is a big deal.
I guess I wouldn't really know. *wink*
Monday, December 1, 2014
Monday!
It's Monday at the University of Iowa!
I went to my 8:30 Calculus lecture this morning, and didn't understand a lick of the material. My professor continuously scribbled various notations, theorems, and equations onto the chalkboard, and I sort of had a gaping stare for most of that time. The handles on the clock never seemed to move... and he constantly reminded us that this stuff would be on the final exam. Yikes.
Despite this, I'm proud of myself for making it this far in the course. I could've dumped it in the first two weeks, but if I had done that, I would be behind in my math requirements for my major and I wouldn't have became such good friends with this guy that sits next to me.
Also, I'm done for the day! My Rhetoric professor canceled class because he was in Spain over the weekend and won't be back in time for our class.
You know what that means?
Time to procrast- I mean, study...
Have a happy Monday everyone!
I went to my 8:30 Calculus lecture this morning, and didn't understand a lick of the material. My professor continuously scribbled various notations, theorems, and equations onto the chalkboard, and I sort of had a gaping stare for most of that time. The handles on the clock never seemed to move... and he constantly reminded us that this stuff would be on the final exam. Yikes.
Despite this, I'm proud of myself for making it this far in the course. I could've dumped it in the first two weeks, but if I had done that, I would be behind in my math requirements for my major and I wouldn't have became such good friends with this guy that sits next to me.
Also, I'm done for the day! My Rhetoric professor canceled class because he was in Spain over the weekend and won't be back in time for our class.
You know what that means?
Time to procrast- I mean, study...
Have a happy Monday everyone!
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Lessons
Thanksgiving break really turned out to be more of an eye-opener than I expected.
Actually, I'm not really sure what I was expecting when I went home. I think that I definitely painted myself a very rosy picture of what I wanted everything to be like for the five days that I spent there, but that ended up being totally unrealistic as the week drug on and I found myself longing to return to Iowa City.
A lot of wounds were reopened this week, and it hurts. Especially after the healing process that God has put me through over the past month. But as a good friend of mine told me this morning, "you make the choice to keep moving forward... lean to God."
Those are such simple, yet wise words. It's just another choice, isn't it?
However, I'm happy that I went through the pain of going home with week because it helped me work on so many important "faith lessons"...
- Self-Conviction. This is never something that I've struggled with, it's just something that I've always thought was unimportant, but it really isn't. The ability to identify my own sins is far more important than being able to identify anyone else's.
- Perseverance. Back in September, I was pleading to God to clear up the tremendous stress in my life. Crying. Begging. Everything that I could possibly do. Three months later, I understand that there was a purpose for all of it.
- Forgiveness. This is by far the most difficult one. God makes it look so easy... but it's really not, because I'm a human and I so badly want to retaliate when I'm wronged. But I won't.
A rather troublesome week was closed off by one of the most fantastic Saturdays that I've ever had. I got paid 50 bucks to go to two sporting events, enjoyed some much-needed alone time in my dorm room, and talked with my best friend for nearly two hours before going to sleep. I also experienced my first wrestling meet at Carver Hawkeye with a few good friends whilst enjoying a nice little concoction of Coca Cola and... something else...
Oops, did I say that? :)
Tomorrow is December 1st. This means that I am only 19 days away from completing my first semester at the University of Iowa. Do you know what the sad part of this is? I don't want to wait another month to return. I wish that I could come home briefly for Christmas, enjoy the company of my family and a few good friends, enjoy three days on a (warm) bowl trip, and then return to Iowa City for the spring.
Alas, that is not how it works... but I am hopeful that God has great things in store for my month at home for Christmas break. Because even though this past week was rough, it strengthened me in a way that I didn't really expect it too.
It's funny...
God never uses obvious scenarios to strengthen us, does He? It's always those random curveballs that sometimes smack you in the stomach...
Actually, I'm not really sure what I was expecting when I went home. I think that I definitely painted myself a very rosy picture of what I wanted everything to be like for the five days that I spent there, but that ended up being totally unrealistic as the week drug on and I found myself longing to return to Iowa City.
A lot of wounds were reopened this week, and it hurts. Especially after the healing process that God has put me through over the past month. But as a good friend of mine told me this morning, "you make the choice to keep moving forward... lean to God."
Those are such simple, yet wise words. It's just another choice, isn't it?
However, I'm happy that I went through the pain of going home with week because it helped me work on so many important "faith lessons"...
- Self-Conviction. This is never something that I've struggled with, it's just something that I've always thought was unimportant, but it really isn't. The ability to identify my own sins is far more important than being able to identify anyone else's.
- Perseverance. Back in September, I was pleading to God to clear up the tremendous stress in my life. Crying. Begging. Everything that I could possibly do. Three months later, I understand that there was a purpose for all of it.
- Forgiveness. This is by far the most difficult one. God makes it look so easy... but it's really not, because I'm a human and I so badly want to retaliate when I'm wronged. But I won't.
A rather troublesome week was closed off by one of the most fantastic Saturdays that I've ever had. I got paid 50 bucks to go to two sporting events, enjoyed some much-needed alone time in my dorm room, and talked with my best friend for nearly two hours before going to sleep. I also experienced my first wrestling meet at Carver Hawkeye with a few good friends whilst enjoying a nice little concoction of Coca Cola and... something else...
Oops, did I say that? :)
Tomorrow is December 1st. This means that I am only 19 days away from completing my first semester at the University of Iowa. Do you know what the sad part of this is? I don't want to wait another month to return. I wish that I could come home briefly for Christmas, enjoy the company of my family and a few good friends, enjoy three days on a (warm) bowl trip, and then return to Iowa City for the spring.
Alas, that is not how it works... but I am hopeful that God has great things in store for my month at home for Christmas break. Because even though this past week was rough, it strengthened me in a way that I didn't really expect it too.
It's funny...
God never uses obvious scenarios to strengthen us, does He? It's always those random curveballs that sometimes smack you in the stomach...
Little Miss
I don't really care for a lot of what is played on country radio nowadays, but there are a few songs here and there that are incredible in a 90's-country sort of way.
One such song is "Little Miss" by Sugarland. Although this was actually released a few years ago, I've only recently actually taken the time to listen to its lyrics... and it hits home for me in so many ways. It is about a girl who constantly gives her love to everybody at her own expense and sometimes feels as though she is alone in the world. Because the people who care the most about others are usually the ones that feel loneliest... this a sad truth, but it is real.
Take a listen. Jennifer Nettles has a pretty twangy voice, so if you can uncover the lyrics beneath it, you won't be disappointed. :)
One such song is "Little Miss" by Sugarland. Although this was actually released a few years ago, I've only recently actually taken the time to listen to its lyrics... and it hits home for me in so many ways. It is about a girl who constantly gives her love to everybody at her own expense and sometimes feels as though she is alone in the world. Because the people who care the most about others are usually the ones that feel loneliest... this a sad truth, but it is real.
Take a listen. Jennifer Nettles has a pretty twangy voice, so if you can uncover the lyrics beneath it, you won't be disappointed. :)
Thursday, November 13, 2014
13 weeks later...
College...
No one really tells you, do they?
No one tells you that the professor in Calculus is going to be scribbling stuff on the board, and you'll just be sitting there gaping at the notations, numbers, and variables and wondering what on earth the purpose of delta-epsilon notation is and trying to wrap your brain around logarithms.
No one tells you that adjusting to living with a brand new person inside of a building full of people that you don't know is going to be one of the hardest changes of your life.
No one tells you that the marching band is one of the biggest reasons why Iowa is the #2 party school, and that the culture of that band is heavily focused on parties, alcohol, and... yeah, more alcohol. And no one tells you that you'll instantly be thrown into that culture during your very first week of band camp.
No one tells you any of that stuff.
However...
You tell yourself that you're going to work hard on Calculus assignments, do lots of extra practice problems, and actually ask for help, and all of a sudden you can actually take the derivative of 3x² - √(sinx + sec²x) and actually understand what it means!
You tell yourself that it's ok to go out and chill with other people on the floor, laugh with your roommate, and have a dance party at 11:00 at night because... why not? No curfew, my homework is done, and we've almost made it through the first semester guys! Woohoo!!!
You tell yourself that this perceived "drinking" culture that's in the marching band is really not as horrible as some people make it out to be, and that it's better to go with the flow, laugh, maybe do a few stupid things, regret it (sort of) in the morning, and look back on that experience with a smile as opposed to sitting in my room all night, by myself, making zero memories.
...
13 weeks ago, no one told me that college would be any of that stuff, and if they had told me, I would've been a distraught mess.
And there have been struggles. The level of anxiety that I experienced throughout the month of September was off the charts.
But today, I can honestly say that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. And it's all because no one told me what college would be... instead, I figured it out on my own.
No one really tells you, do they?
No one tells you that the professor in Calculus is going to be scribbling stuff on the board, and you'll just be sitting there gaping at the notations, numbers, and variables and wondering what on earth the purpose of delta-epsilon notation is and trying to wrap your brain around logarithms.
No one tells you that adjusting to living with a brand new person inside of a building full of people that you don't know is going to be one of the hardest changes of your life.
No one tells you that the marching band is one of the biggest reasons why Iowa is the #2 party school, and that the culture of that band is heavily focused on parties, alcohol, and... yeah, more alcohol. And no one tells you that you'll instantly be thrown into that culture during your very first week of band camp.
No one tells you any of that stuff.
However...
You tell yourself that you're going to work hard on Calculus assignments, do lots of extra practice problems, and actually ask for help, and all of a sudden you can actually take the derivative of 3x² - √(sinx + sec²x) and actually understand what it means!
You tell yourself that it's ok to go out and chill with other people on the floor, laugh with your roommate, and have a dance party at 11:00 at night because... why not? No curfew, my homework is done, and we've almost made it through the first semester guys! Woohoo!!!
You tell yourself that this perceived "drinking" culture that's in the marching band is really not as horrible as some people make it out to be, and that it's better to go with the flow, laugh, maybe do a few stupid things, regret it (sort of) in the morning, and look back on that experience with a smile as opposed to sitting in my room all night, by myself, making zero memories.
...
13 weeks ago, no one told me that college would be any of that stuff, and if they had told me, I would've been a distraught mess.
And there have been struggles. The level of anxiety that I experienced throughout the month of September was off the charts.
But today, I can honestly say that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. And it's all because no one told me what college would be... instead, I figured it out on my own.
Monday, November 10, 2014
What If
It's getting more and more difficult for me to listen to pop music now that things like "Anaconda" are plaguing the radio. I actually think that song is kind of catchy, but the lyrics are so horribly sexual that it makes me wonder how society has actually slipped to this level and allowed this stuff to enter the radio waves.
However, there is one song in particular that I really enjoy. It's called "Secrets".
The song is basically the singer spilling out every fear, every insecurity, and every secret that she has about herself. From her weight to her bipolar disorder, she lays everything out on the table. However, the other lyrics are what really hit me the most:
They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one
Who's spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it
The song then goes into a chorus that reiterates, "I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are."
After listening to this song several times, I have to ask myself something.
What if everyone in the world was open about their own struggles and insecurities? We've all got them. Mine might be different than yours, and on some days you might have bigger struggles than I do (and vice-versa), but they're all there. What if we could tell even our best friends that we're hurting on the inside instead of putting up the front that we normally do?
Just a thought...
However, there is one song in particular that I really enjoy. It's called "Secrets".
The song is basically the singer spilling out every fear, every insecurity, and every secret that she has about herself. From her weight to her bipolar disorder, she lays everything out on the table. However, the other lyrics are what really hit me the most:
They tell us from the time we're young
To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves
Inside ourselves
I know I'm not the only one
Who's spent so long attempting to be someone else
Well I'm over it
The song then goes into a chorus that reiterates, "I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are."
After listening to this song several times, I have to ask myself something.
What if everyone in the world was open about their own struggles and insecurities? We've all got them. Mine might be different than yours, and on some days you might have bigger struggles than I do (and vice-versa), but they're all there. What if we could tell even our best friends that we're hurting on the inside instead of putting up the front that we normally do?
Just a thought...
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Letting it go
Worrisome, sadness, and general self-pity have basically been consuming my life for the past week to the point where I told myself that I wasn't going to enjoy this weekend at all and would just mope about things. I also was refusing to step outside of my comfort zone in any way at all. I was completely ok with just confining myself to my dorm room and focusing on a Rhetoric paper that I wasn't going to make any progress on anyway.
And then Saturday morning came and... I let that stuff go. I had a great time at the football game. I went out with my parents and appreciated their company, even though they still constantly bicker (I even found myself missing that). I went out with friends that night and did some pretty crazy stuff that I don't regret at all. I woke up early in the morning and threw in laundry, and then relaxed the rest of the morning instead of stressing over this stupid paper. I went to the basketball game and relaxed and watched the game and played my sousaphone. And now I'm eating pizza rolls because pizza rolls are awesome.
I've come to the realization that I have four short years in college (assuming my current plan doesn't change), and I don't want to take one moment of that for granted. I can make smart decisions, manage my time, and still have fun.
I can't believe it took me over 11 weeks to figure that out...
(And you guys thought this post was going to be about Frozen, right? Haha)
And then Saturday morning came and... I let that stuff go. I had a great time at the football game. I went out with my parents and appreciated their company, even though they still constantly bicker (I even found myself missing that). I went out with friends that night and did some pretty crazy stuff that I don't regret at all. I woke up early in the morning and threw in laundry, and then relaxed the rest of the morning instead of stressing over this stupid paper. I went to the basketball game and relaxed and watched the game and played my sousaphone. And now I'm eating pizza rolls because pizza rolls are awesome.
I've come to the realization that I have four short years in college (assuming my current plan doesn't change), and I don't want to take one moment of that for granted. I can make smart decisions, manage my time, and still have fun.
I can't believe it took me over 11 weeks to figure that out...
(And you guys thought this post was going to be about Frozen, right? Haha)
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
A Heavy Heart
I've had a heavy heart today.
I wish that I knew exactly what's causing it, but I can't put my finger on it. Am I growing too selfish? Am I being ignorant? Or am I really just missing something in my life to bring me joy?
I find myself getting sad or upset over the littlest things.
I find myself dreading future events that I really have no reason to dread at all.
On a campus with 30,000 students, I feel so alone...
How is that even possible? How is it that I've not managed to find one person over the course of 10 and a half weeks that I feel like I can share personal stuff with? I have so many friends up here, and yet I feel like I'm just convincing myself that they're friends when they're really more like acquaintances.
I had such an awesome weekend at home. However, I'm starting to think that these trips home are unhealthy for me, because they just encourage me to miss the people at home even more when I return to college rather than gaining independence from them. Is that what I want? Less contact with those that I love? Certainly not, but I also don't want to feel so alone up here.
So much... stuff going on in this heavy heart.
God, help me empty out that garbage that's filling in the spaces of my heart, because it's just weighing me down.
I wish that I knew exactly what's causing it, but I can't put my finger on it. Am I growing too selfish? Am I being ignorant? Or am I really just missing something in my life to bring me joy?
I find myself getting sad or upset over the littlest things.
I find myself dreading future events that I really have no reason to dread at all.
On a campus with 30,000 students, I feel so alone...
How is that even possible? How is it that I've not managed to find one person over the course of 10 and a half weeks that I feel like I can share personal stuff with? I have so many friends up here, and yet I feel like I'm just convincing myself that they're friends when they're really more like acquaintances.
I had such an awesome weekend at home. However, I'm starting to think that these trips home are unhealthy for me, because they just encourage me to miss the people at home even more when I return to college rather than gaining independence from them. Is that what I want? Less contact with those that I love? Certainly not, but I also don't want to feel so alone up here.
So much... stuff going on in this heavy heart.
God, help me empty out that garbage that's filling in the spaces of my heart, because it's just weighing me down.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Time
It doesn't seem possible to me that I embarked on my college experience almost eight weeks ago.
I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that I bawled as my family left me in my dorm room alone...?
*checks calendar*
Nope. That was 53 days ago.
It was 52 days ago that I met the sousies.
It was 51 days ago that I started "Hell Week."
It was 49 days ago that we had our sectional party. Hehehehe.
It was 45 days ago that I started classes.
It was 40 days ago that I marched for the first time in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 38 days ago that I made the long drive back up to Iowa City. I was sad because I wouldn't be back home for a long time.
It was 34 days ago that I came down with a cold. A cold that would last for like THREE WEEKS.
It was 33 days ago that I got puked on by a guy in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 28 days ago that I cried after taking my Calculus quiz because I knew I had bombed it.
It was 26 days ago that Iowa lost to Iowa State. And I was sick as a dog. Not a great day.
It was 22 days ago that I was prescribed antibiotics for my horrible sickness.
It was 20 days ago that I joyously left Iowa City, ready for an awesome weekend at home. Plus insane coughing.
It was 19 days ago that I left for Ottumwa in the morning to see two of my best friends.
It was 13 days ago that I sat on a bus for like seven hours with drunk people... FUN. Lol
It was 10 days ago that I took my Calculus mid-term exam. Not a good day.
It was 7 days ago that I basically had a break down while overthinking every aspect of my life.
It was 6 days ago that I spent a night with two of my best friends. :-)
It was 5 days ago that I spent another night with even more of my best friends. :-)
It was 13 hours ago that I turned in my Calculus quiz and actually felt good about it!
It was 1 hour ago that I started to think about this...
How is it that I can remember almost every day of my first eight weeks up here? I haven't keep any sort of diary or journal at all, yet I can pull each and every one of the events from that list off of the top of my head.
Funny how time works...
I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that I bawled as my family left me in my dorm room alone...?
*checks calendar*
Nope. That was 53 days ago.
It was 52 days ago that I met the sousies.
It was 51 days ago that I started "Hell Week."
It was 49 days ago that we had our sectional party. Hehehehe.
It was 45 days ago that I started classes.
It was 40 days ago that I marched for the first time in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 38 days ago that I made the long drive back up to Iowa City. I was sad because I wouldn't be back home for a long time.
It was 34 days ago that I came down with a cold. A cold that would last for like THREE WEEKS.
It was 33 days ago that I got puked on by a guy in Kinnick Stadium.
It was 28 days ago that I cried after taking my Calculus quiz because I knew I had bombed it.
It was 26 days ago that Iowa lost to Iowa State. And I was sick as a dog. Not a great day.
It was 22 days ago that I was prescribed antibiotics for my horrible sickness.
It was 20 days ago that I joyously left Iowa City, ready for an awesome weekend at home. Plus insane coughing.
It was 19 days ago that I left for Ottumwa in the morning to see two of my best friends.
It was 13 days ago that I sat on a bus for like seven hours with drunk people... FUN. Lol
It was 10 days ago that I took my Calculus mid-term exam. Not a good day.
It was 7 days ago that I basically had a break down while overthinking every aspect of my life.
It was 6 days ago that I spent a night with two of my best friends. :-)
It was 5 days ago that I spent another night with even more of my best friends. :-)
It was 13 hours ago that I turned in my Calculus quiz and actually felt good about it!
It was 1 hour ago that I started to think about this...
How is it that I can remember almost every day of my first eight weeks up here? I haven't keep any sort of diary or journal at all, yet I can pull each and every one of the events from that list off of the top of my head.
Funny how time works...
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Something's off
I was walking back to my dorm room tonight, and it's a solid 10 minute walk since I ate dinner at the dining hall on the opposite side of the river.
This week has been full of an awful lot of regret for me. Regretting taking Calculus is probably the highest thing on my list. It's too hard for me, and I should have known it the first week. But I didn't. I was bullheaded and decided to do it anyway, and now I'm looking at possibly failing the course. I don't know how I did on my mid-term exam, but I'm not feeling too hopeful about it.
Anyway, that's not the point of this post.
As I started to walk across the river bridge, I got hit by a strange realization...
I don't like where I'm headed.
As a university, this could not have been much of a better choice. As a major, however... I am having my doubts.
Computer Science jobs pay extremely well, and they are in high demand. Could there really be a much better combination than that? However, I've started noticing something as I dig further and further into jobs for CS majors, and that's the lack of a social aspect. It's all completely technology, numbers, and developing things on your own.
But if this path is not the answer, then what is? The U of I has tons of avenues to explore. But which one is right for me?
This week has been full of an awful lot of regret for me. Regretting taking Calculus is probably the highest thing on my list. It's too hard for me, and I should have known it the first week. But I didn't. I was bullheaded and decided to do it anyway, and now I'm looking at possibly failing the course. I don't know how I did on my mid-term exam, but I'm not feeling too hopeful about it.
Anyway, that's not the point of this post.
As I started to walk across the river bridge, I got hit by a strange realization...
I don't like where I'm headed.
As a university, this could not have been much of a better choice. As a major, however... I am having my doubts.
Computer Science jobs pay extremely well, and they are in high demand. Could there really be a much better combination than that? However, I've started noticing something as I dig further and further into jobs for CS majors, and that's the lack of a social aspect. It's all completely technology, numbers, and developing things on your own.
But if this path is not the answer, then what is? The U of I has tons of avenues to explore. But which one is right for me?
Monday, September 22, 2014
Settling in
So my sixth week of college is underway. (Goodness, has it really been that long...?!)
For some odd reason I am feeling a lower amount of pressure this week. Our Rhetoric professor is going a little easier on us since we turned in our first major assignment last week - which counts for 20% of the grade - and while the Calculus homework continues to pile in, I am starting to get into a rhythm for completing it. While it's never completely accurate and often partially incomplete, I am trying my best to figure things out even when atleast a third of the material looks like gibberish to me...
My grandma made a care package for me this weekend that was basically filled with every type of junk food imaginable: frosted cookies, goldfish crackers, powdered donuts, Chex Mix, etc. THANK YOU GRANDMA. My mom also went out of her way to buy me chicken patties, pizza rolls, chocolate milk, orange juice, and more breakfast biscuits.
Have I ever mentioned that I have been blessed with the best family? It is something I take for granted, but I need to remember it and thank God every day for it.
You know what's really odd? I started counting down the days this morning til when I could come home again, and it's only 11 days. Just eleven! That seems so crazy to me. It's also odd of me to be counting them down. I had a great weekend at home, but I didn't get a chance to talk with everyone that I wanted to. Three days isn't enough to pack everything in, unfortunately... while October 3rd feels like months away, I know that this weekend is going to fly by because of the Purdue trip, and before I know it I'll be jumping in my truck and making the trip down I-80 again...
I'm enjoying college as a whole, but I still am admittedly not enjoying the world of having to share a room with someone else. There's no "private space" here. And that's something I dearly miss. And that's ultimately why I look forward to those weekends when I can come back, even if it's for just a few days.
:-)
For some odd reason I am feeling a lower amount of pressure this week. Our Rhetoric professor is going a little easier on us since we turned in our first major assignment last week - which counts for 20% of the grade - and while the Calculus homework continues to pile in, I am starting to get into a rhythm for completing it. While it's never completely accurate and often partially incomplete, I am trying my best to figure things out even when atleast a third of the material looks like gibberish to me...
My grandma made a care package for me this weekend that was basically filled with every type of junk food imaginable: frosted cookies, goldfish crackers, powdered donuts, Chex Mix, etc. THANK YOU GRANDMA. My mom also went out of her way to buy me chicken patties, pizza rolls, chocolate milk, orange juice, and more breakfast biscuits.
Have I ever mentioned that I have been blessed with the best family? It is something I take for granted, but I need to remember it and thank God every day for it.
You know what's really odd? I started counting down the days this morning til when I could come home again, and it's only 11 days. Just eleven! That seems so crazy to me. It's also odd of me to be counting them down. I had a great weekend at home, but I didn't get a chance to talk with everyone that I wanted to. Three days isn't enough to pack everything in, unfortunately... while October 3rd feels like months away, I know that this weekend is going to fly by because of the Purdue trip, and before I know it I'll be jumping in my truck and making the trip down I-80 again...
I'm enjoying college as a whole, but I still am admittedly not enjoying the world of having to share a room with someone else. There's no "private space" here. And that's something I dearly miss. And that's ultimately why I look forward to those weekends when I can come back, even if it's for just a few days.
:-)
Monday, September 15, 2014
The Gospel
I was walking to my 1:30 Rhetoric class today when, in the middle of the walkway, there was a man.
He was holding up a large, neon sign that said, "Don't Waste 4 Years in College, Come to Jesus and He Will Set You Free!" (Or something along those lines, I don't really remember.) And he was going on and on about how we would all waste our money for four years, get jobs that we didn't want, and never find Jesus. But if we ditched all of that now and followed Jesus (he never really emphasized what "follow Jesus" meant), we would be better off!
(Newsflash... I'm following Jesus AND attending college, so his logic seemed a bit flawed. Lol. But that's beside the point.)
That's not what made me sad. It was the reaction to this event in my Rhetoric class.
Everyone was so offended that some man had been telling them how to live their lives. I heard one person say, "I don't need that guy's Jesus!!!" while others were just complaining about how annoying Christians are.
This hurts me.
Not in the sense that I'm offended, but in the sense that this is exactly what we're not supposed to be doing as Christians. And I experienced it firsthand today.
The gospel is not someone standing in the street and telling us that we're going to have crummy lives if we continue on our paths.
The gospel is not what I witnessed from my peers in Rhetoric.
The gospel isn't even telling someone to follow Jesus. You can tell that to anyone, and they won't understand what that means.
The gospel is showing Jesus' love.
It's inviting complete strangers into your home, just to talk.
It's selflessly going down to Mexico to help build houses.
It's inviting a lonely friend to fellowship or youth group.
It's letting someone cry on your shoulder, even if you don't understand their situation.
It's praying for your best friend for years and years.
It's being able to confess your love for Jesus in front of unbelievers.
It's everything that I didn't see today on campus...
And that makes me want to shine God's light even more.
He was holding up a large, neon sign that said, "Don't Waste 4 Years in College, Come to Jesus and He Will Set You Free!" (Or something along those lines, I don't really remember.) And he was going on and on about how we would all waste our money for four years, get jobs that we didn't want, and never find Jesus. But if we ditched all of that now and followed Jesus (he never really emphasized what "follow Jesus" meant), we would be better off!
(Newsflash... I'm following Jesus AND attending college, so his logic seemed a bit flawed. Lol. But that's beside the point.)
That's not what made me sad. It was the reaction to this event in my Rhetoric class.
Everyone was so offended that some man had been telling them how to live their lives. I heard one person say, "I don't need that guy's Jesus!!!" while others were just complaining about how annoying Christians are.
This hurts me.
Not in the sense that I'm offended, but in the sense that this is exactly what we're not supposed to be doing as Christians. And I experienced it firsthand today.
The gospel is not someone standing in the street and telling us that we're going to have crummy lives if we continue on our paths.
The gospel is not what I witnessed from my peers in Rhetoric.
The gospel isn't even telling someone to follow Jesus. You can tell that to anyone, and they won't understand what that means.
The gospel is showing Jesus' love.
It's inviting complete strangers into your home, just to talk.
It's selflessly going down to Mexico to help build houses.
It's inviting a lonely friend to fellowship or youth group.
It's letting someone cry on your shoulder, even if you don't understand their situation.
It's praying for your best friend for years and years.
It's being able to confess your love for Jesus in front of unbelievers.
It's everything that I didn't see today on campus...
And that makes me want to shine God's light even more.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Putting it all together
Tonight has been the first night in a long time that I've had a chance to take a break from the stress of homework. And that's a great thing considering I basically bombed my Calculus quiz this morning. :-/
While I was mostly just planning on being lazy and surfing the internet, I instead got the chance to contact a lot of different people.
I had a long conversation with a few good friends back home.
I talked with my roommate about Christianity, Islam, and politics. And it was a pleasant discussion.
Another friend back home texted me, and we had a nice conversation about faith, trust, and not overworking yourself.
I had a nice dinner talk with a few of my sousie friends.
I talked to my mom on Facebook and was really open about the struggles I've been having this week. I miss her so much...
A high school friend who I haven't seen in a long time texted me too, and it was nice to catch up.
I even chatted with a few people on my floor about "What superpower you would have if you could have one." (Yes, we're nerds.)
Today has opened my eyes to how many people God is constantly placing in my life. Even when I doubt him, don't place my trust in him, or underestimate his ability in general, he loves me anyway. This morning started off really bad (I was even in tears after taking my quiz), but as I sit here now, I'm feeling more content than ever. Is it a temporary feeling? Likely. I can't seem to go more than a few hours in college without getting stressed out... but it's a great feeling.
And these relationships and discussions are the things that I really need to hold on to.
While I was mostly just planning on being lazy and surfing the internet, I instead got the chance to contact a lot of different people.
I had a long conversation with a few good friends back home.
I talked with my roommate about Christianity, Islam, and politics. And it was a pleasant discussion.
Another friend back home texted me, and we had a nice conversation about faith, trust, and not overworking yourself.
I had a nice dinner talk with a few of my sousie friends.
I talked to my mom on Facebook and was really open about the struggles I've been having this week. I miss her so much...
A high school friend who I haven't seen in a long time texted me too, and it was nice to catch up.
I even chatted with a few people on my floor about "What superpower you would have if you could have one." (Yes, we're nerds.)
Today has opened my eyes to how many people God is constantly placing in my life. Even when I doubt him, don't place my trust in him, or underestimate his ability in general, he loves me anyway. This morning started off really bad (I was even in tears after taking my quiz), but as I sit here now, I'm feeling more content than ever. Is it a temporary feeling? Likely. I can't seem to go more than a few hours in college without getting stressed out... but it's a great feeling.
And these relationships and discussions are the things that I really need to hold on to.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Week update thingy
All of my friends have such great titles for all of their blog posts... so here's my completely unoriginal one.
I'm in a state of flux right now. Just when one problem gets diminished, it feels like another one rises up in its place. My worries about Calculus were allayed this week when I took a quiz that turned out to be much easier than I anticipated; I also am starting to make friends with a few other kids in the class. However, now Rhetoric is starting to overwhelm me with the sheer amount of stuff we have to get done. None of it's really hard stuff, but it's enough to bog me down. I spent three hours alone today working on a regular homework assignment... I sincerely hope that it's not always like this.
Marching band is going well, but I'm not very excited for tomorrow since I just developed a cold today, and it's bound to be even worse during gameday. Not even DayQuil and a surplus of cough drops is going to be enough to help me survive that. :-/
On top of that, I have friends who want to go out to parties and go to church on Sunday morning and go hang out during the weekend... and honestly? All I feel like doing is sleeping. Sleeping and completing some of the homework that I need to get done by Monday. I love Jesus and I'm eager to go out and explore for churches in Iowa City, but not with this darned stuffiness and coughing and whatnot. Sleeping in til 11:00 for the first time in ages sounds amazing.
I wish I had a remote that could just put life on hold for 24 hours.
Someone should invent that.
I should create an algorithm to do that for Computer Science...
But I think my bed is calling me.
Yeah, it is.
...
Good night everyone! Or good morning. Whenever you read this.
I'm in a state of flux right now. Just when one problem gets diminished, it feels like another one rises up in its place. My worries about Calculus were allayed this week when I took a quiz that turned out to be much easier than I anticipated; I also am starting to make friends with a few other kids in the class. However, now Rhetoric is starting to overwhelm me with the sheer amount of stuff we have to get done. None of it's really hard stuff, but it's enough to bog me down. I spent three hours alone today working on a regular homework assignment... I sincerely hope that it's not always like this.
Marching band is going well, but I'm not very excited for tomorrow since I just developed a cold today, and it's bound to be even worse during gameday. Not even DayQuil and a surplus of cough drops is going to be enough to help me survive that. :-/
On top of that, I have friends who want to go out to parties and go to church on Sunday morning and go hang out during the weekend... and honestly? All I feel like doing is sleeping. Sleeping and completing some of the homework that I need to get done by Monday. I love Jesus and I'm eager to go out and explore for churches in Iowa City, but not with this darned stuffiness and coughing and whatnot. Sleeping in til 11:00 for the first time in ages sounds amazing.
I wish I had a remote that could just put life on hold for 24 hours.
Someone should invent that.
I should create an algorithm to do that for Computer Science...
But I think my bed is calling me.
Yeah, it is.
...
Good night everyone! Or good morning. Whenever you read this.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Wrenches
I don't think anyone in this world can ever truly be prepared for a transition like the one that I went through over the past three weeks. The worrying, the denials, the tears, the stress, the excitement, and the constant hills and valleys.
Just when I think I've got everything figured out, God throws a wrench in my perfect little plan.
The majority of the time I try to dodge the wrench, but then God laughs and throws another one with better aim.
And it wallops me in the stomach.
Most of the time I do a lot of whining.
Calculus class not going well? Whine.
Buses are running 10 minutes late? Complain.
Not understanding my Calculus professor? Feel sorry for myself.
Horrible schedule on Wednesday? Mope about it.
Calculus? ... You get it...
In reality, though, God is using all of these wrenches to strengthen me! Of course He doesn't want me to go through Calculus feeling like I know everything. He wants me to genuinely learn something from this course. And by not understanding what the heck is going on, He is forcing me to do that. My awful Wednesday schedule is helping me learn to prioritize other days of the week so that I'm not swimming in work on other days.
I will probably never stop complaining about these random wrenches... but it feels good to know that none of them are without purpose. :-)
So the next time God throws a wrench at you, catch that thing!!!
Just when I think I've got everything figured out, God throws a wrench in my perfect little plan.
The majority of the time I try to dodge the wrench, but then God laughs and throws another one with better aim.
And it wallops me in the stomach.
Most of the time I do a lot of whining.
Calculus class not going well? Whine.
Buses are running 10 minutes late? Complain.
Not understanding my Calculus professor? Feel sorry for myself.
Horrible schedule on Wednesday? Mope about it.
Calculus? ... You get it...
In reality, though, God is using all of these wrenches to strengthen me! Of course He doesn't want me to go through Calculus feeling like I know everything. He wants me to genuinely learn something from this course. And by not understanding what the heck is going on, He is forcing me to do that. My awful Wednesday schedule is helping me learn to prioritize other days of the week so that I'm not swimming in work on other days.
I will probably never stop complaining about these random wrenches... but it feels good to know that none of them are without purpose. :-)
So the next time God throws a wrench at you, catch that thing!!!
Monday, August 25, 2014
Oh, this is the actual college experience...
I think that some part of me over the past week believed that marching band was the only thing I was up at Iowa for. After all, that's pretty much all I did for the first eight days that I was here. Practice in the morning, afternoon, and evening. Parties and other stuff at night. Meet people, make friends, snooze, wake up with frickin' leg cramps (Tuesday was seriously the pit of awfulness for me), repeat.
What am I forgetting?
Oh, that's right... classes!
I had Calculus and Rhetoric today. Calculus makes me nervous, mostly because there are a lot of things they expect us to know that I either never learned in high school or didn't retain very well. However, I think that if I simply work and practice at relearning old concepts and figuring out the new ones, I'll be alright. Rhetoric, on the other hand... uggggggggggggh. I normally like English-related courses, but this one mixes language with speaking with writing with arguments with research with SO MUCH HOMEWORK. It's my first night of actual school, and I'm already writing a short essay and watching videos.
Lol. I love how I type that out as if I was surprised I would actually have to do work for my classes.
What am I forgetting?
Oh, that's right... classes!
I had Calculus and Rhetoric today. Calculus makes me nervous, mostly because there are a lot of things they expect us to know that I either never learned in high school or didn't retain very well. However, I think that if I simply work and practice at relearning old concepts and figuring out the new ones, I'll be alright. Rhetoric, on the other hand... uggggggggggggh. I normally like English-related courses, but this one mixes language with speaking with writing with arguments with research with SO MUCH HOMEWORK. It's my first night of actual school, and I'm already writing a short essay and watching videos.
Lol. I love how I type that out as if I was surprised I would actually have to do work for my classes.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Empathy
Whenever I go through troubled times, it's so easy for me to look at others who are in green pastures and think, "Why can't my life be as perfect as hers?" or "I want to be more like him." And I hate having that feeling. God puts us all through different trials and different experiences for a reason, and it's not to sit and compare ourselves to others.
But as humans, that's still what we do.
A lot of people have been asking me over the past few days how I'm feeling about college. The answer? Fantastic! My sousie buddies have basically become like a family to me over the course of a week. My roommate and I are getting along fine, and I'm feeling more content than ever.
However, I never want to look at others and just assume that everything is OK for them too. We are called by our Lord to show empathy with others around us and to hold them up when they are falling, and I want to do just that. Whether that means giving advice or just listen, I want to help in some way. Because I realize that my life could look totally different in a week, and I could be in the same position that someone I know is.
But as humans, that's still what we do.
A lot of people have been asking me over the past few days how I'm feeling about college. The answer? Fantastic! My sousie buddies have basically become like a family to me over the course of a week. My roommate and I are getting along fine, and I'm feeling more content than ever.
However, I never want to look at others and just assume that everything is OK for them too. We are called by our Lord to show empathy with others around us and to hold them up when they are falling, and I want to do just that. Whether that means giving advice or just listen, I want to help in some way. Because I realize that my life could look totally different in a week, and I could be in the same position that someone I know is.
Friday, August 22, 2014
5 days of... on my own
Going to sleep tonight marks the fifth night that I will have spent at the University of Iowa.
In four and half days, so many people and experiences have been flying around me from all different directions, and the craziest part is that the term hasn't even started yet.
As I told an elder member of the sousaphone (or "sousie" as everyone calls us at Iowa) section today, I come from a town of 1300 people. A campus with 30,000 students in the middle of the buzzing Iowa City is a culture shock to me. An even greater culture shock is being caught up in the midst of activities that you don't want to be a part of, but with people that you'd really like to get to know.
Oh, and my shoulder is pretty sore. I can blame my sousaphone for that...
I guess this blog post doesn't really have a purpose behind it other than to reflect upon my brewing thoughts. So much has changed in such a short amount of time that it kind of scares me to think about what might change in two weeks!
But I am excited. Because if there's anything I've learned this week, it's to expect the unexpected.
In four and half days, so many people and experiences have been flying around me from all different directions, and the craziest part is that the term hasn't even started yet.
As I told an elder member of the sousaphone (or "sousie" as everyone calls us at Iowa) section today, I come from a town of 1300 people. A campus with 30,000 students in the middle of the buzzing Iowa City is a culture shock to me. An even greater culture shock is being caught up in the midst of activities that you don't want to be a part of, but with people that you'd really like to get to know.
Oh, and my shoulder is pretty sore. I can blame my sousaphone for that...
I guess this blog post doesn't really have a purpose behind it other than to reflect upon my brewing thoughts. So much has changed in such a short amount of time that it kind of scares me to think about what might change in two weeks!
But I am excited. Because if there's anything I've learned this week, it's to expect the unexpected.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepard;
I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.
Clinging
I've been sitting here for 30 minutes now, spending most of the time bawling.
I tried my best to maintain composure before they left... but the moment the door shut, the tears fell.
It's actually hard for me to write this right now because I just don't even know what to feel. What to think. What to... anything. Something tells me that I should go out and introduce myself to other people on my floor, but I can hardly bring myself to do this blog post, let alone go out and socialize.
Maybe things will be different tomorrow. I certainly hope so.
But Lord... in this moment, I am clinging to you and you alone. And in this moment I have realized that I should always cling to you, regardless of how comfortable I am. It just makes more sense to me right now because I've never felt this vulnerable before; the reality, however, is that all of us are always vulnerable. No matter how much one hardens themselves, his or her soul will always need you.
You are the only one who can free us from that vulnerability.
I tried my best to maintain composure before they left... but the moment the door shut, the tears fell.
It's actually hard for me to write this right now because I just don't even know what to feel. What to think. What to... anything. Something tells me that I should go out and introduce myself to other people on my floor, but I can hardly bring myself to do this blog post, let alone go out and socialize.
Maybe things will be different tomorrow. I certainly hope so.
But Lord... in this moment, I am clinging to you and you alone. And in this moment I have realized that I should always cling to you, regardless of how comfortable I am. It just makes more sense to me right now because I've never felt this vulnerable before; the reality, however, is that all of us are always vulnerable. No matter how much one hardens themselves, his or her soul will always need you.
You are the only one who can free us from that vulnerability.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Remember
It was my last night. She ushers me in along with several others.
A few are simply visiting.
Others live there.
Some (like me) simply call it home.
We watch The Lego Movie while everyone enjoys popcorn. Their middle daughter ("Middly") giggles with delight at Uni-Kitty, and then questions me afterwards about what my favorite character from the movie was. It's been so long since I just sat down and enjoyed a movie with people that I love. I'm sad to see one of my closest friends go, because there is so much that I want to talk about before I leave for college, but I tell her that we will have time later on.
And then it's just me. Me, and two people who I trust more than anyone else in this world.
By the end of a night of long conversation, I realize that it's time to say goodbye. As much as it hurts, and as much as I nearly broke down in tears on the way home, there is something that gives me strength as I give each of them a hug.
I don't have to forget.
Everyone tells me that I'll go to college, make new friends, and forget about the old ones. I'll forget where I came from and embrace the new opportunities in front of me. But I simply don't believe that. Because what I've experienced in their home was so real that it's impossible to ever forget it. 60 miles may separate my physical heart, but it will never separate my emotional heart.
I don't have to forget.
God...
Let me remember.
A few are simply visiting.
Others live there.
Some (like me) simply call it home.
We watch The Lego Movie while everyone enjoys popcorn. Their middle daughter ("Middly") giggles with delight at Uni-Kitty, and then questions me afterwards about what my favorite character from the movie was. It's been so long since I just sat down and enjoyed a movie with people that I love. I'm sad to see one of my closest friends go, because there is so much that I want to talk about before I leave for college, but I tell her that we will have time later on.
And then it's just me. Me, and two people who I trust more than anyone else in this world.
By the end of a night of long conversation, I realize that it's time to say goodbye. As much as it hurts, and as much as I nearly broke down in tears on the way home, there is something that gives me strength as I give each of them a hug.
I don't have to forget.
Everyone tells me that I'll go to college, make new friends, and forget about the old ones. I'll forget where I came from and embrace the new opportunities in front of me. But I simply don't believe that. Because what I've experienced in their home was so real that it's impossible to ever forget it. 60 miles may separate my physical heart, but it will never separate my emotional heart.
I don't have to forget.
God...
Let me remember.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Overthinking
One of the biggest thorns in my side is worrying. Worrying about what I just said to someone, worrying about how a particularly uncomfortable task is going to turn out, worrying about a conversation I'm going to have soon, worrying about college, worrying about whether or not I'll impress people, worry worry worry worry.
So I stumbled across an interesting passage in Matthew last night:
Matthew 6:34 - "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."
Now, in the wrong context, that verse makes it sound as though we shouldn't take responsibility for things that need to get done (which is false). However, I find the underlying principle of a rather simple verse to be undeniably loud and clear: dump out your worries to God and God alone. My brain goes about 80 miles an hour most of the time. While this is good for situations that need analyzing, it is not good when I'm supposed to be relaxing and enjoying the moment and what God has given me.
Overthinking is simply not healthy. It allows sinful thoughts to creep into myself and others' minds before we can even realize what's happening. Doubts, anger, envy, jealousy... all of that crappy stuff.
We have a great God. A great big God. He can handle our worries when they're too much for us.
Just something to remember the next time you are stressed. And since this is a period of my life where stress is often the norm, it is something that I need to and will work on.
So I stumbled across an interesting passage in Matthew last night:
Matthew 6:34 - "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."
Now, in the wrong context, that verse makes it sound as though we shouldn't take responsibility for things that need to get done (which is false). However, I find the underlying principle of a rather simple verse to be undeniably loud and clear: dump out your worries to God and God alone. My brain goes about 80 miles an hour most of the time. While this is good for situations that need analyzing, it is not good when I'm supposed to be relaxing and enjoying the moment and what God has given me.
Overthinking is simply not healthy. It allows sinful thoughts to creep into myself and others' minds before we can even realize what's happening. Doubts, anger, envy, jealousy... all of that crappy stuff.
We have a great God. A great big God. He can handle our worries when they're too much for us.
Just something to remember the next time you are stressed. And since this is a period of my life where stress is often the norm, it is something that I need to and will work on.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Life lessons
What an eye-opening seven months it has been.
About seven months ago at this time, I was a new creation. As one dear friend made clear in her blog, "their lives were headed toward hell and have been turned around" (referencing me). That sounds so scary - and, at the time I did think it was scary - but in reality, this is the case for every living being up until the moment he or she accepts Jesus into their heart. There's no sugarcoating it. That's just reality.
But enough of that sappy stuff. It's time for the four biggest life lessons I've learned over the course of 221-ish days of my faithwalk! (And be reminded that some of these things I am still working on... and probably will be for a while... but I have learned that they are important.)
1. Love everyone. I know, I know, that's like the #1 rule of Christianity. But it so often gets overlooked. Last night I began fuming and thinking really awful things about a person who caused me a lot of emotional pain earlier this year, but the reality is that this person has struggles that I am completely unaware of. That's important, because even though I was hurt by them, that doesn't mean that two wrongs make a right.
2. Don't focus too much on "being perfect." While this sounds like I am waving off God's supreme law, I am not. Scripture repeats again and again that we as human beings can never escape sin, and that's why we need Jesus Christ. That does not make any sin justified; however, it washes the sin away the moment it gets into our hearts. So don't wallow in pity every time you hit a bump in the road. As a good friend of mine says (this is kind of a paraphrase), "God doesn't want you to feel sorry; He wants you to get back on your feet and keep going with Him."
3. Don't get put in the box. This goes along with my previous blog post, but I feel the need to reiterate it just because of how big it really is. God created you as a unique individual with unique features, passions, and a personality. If He wanted us to conform to the rest of the population, then He would've just manufactured a bunch of robots that look and act the same.
4. And last but not least, be honest with the people you can trust. This is an extremely hard thing to do. However, real friends will show you God's untainted love even if you're confused, angry, or not perfect. Because in reality, we all have our issues. Some of them may appear to be worse, but God does not see it that way, and He does not want us to keep our burdens to ourselves. It's not healthy, and I realized that as the summer winded down.
Anyway... that's all I've got this weekend! I'll be at the State Fair for the next five days, so have a fun and safe week folks! :-)
About seven months ago at this time, I was a new creation. As one dear friend made clear in her blog, "their lives were headed toward hell and have been turned around" (referencing me). That sounds so scary - and, at the time I did think it was scary - but in reality, this is the case for every living being up until the moment he or she accepts Jesus into their heart. There's no sugarcoating it. That's just reality.
But enough of that sappy stuff. It's time for the four biggest life lessons I've learned over the course of 221-ish days of my faithwalk! (And be reminded that some of these things I am still working on... and probably will be for a while... but I have learned that they are important.)
1. Love everyone. I know, I know, that's like the #1 rule of Christianity. But it so often gets overlooked. Last night I began fuming and thinking really awful things about a person who caused me a lot of emotional pain earlier this year, but the reality is that this person has struggles that I am completely unaware of. That's important, because even though I was hurt by them, that doesn't mean that two wrongs make a right.
2. Don't focus too much on "being perfect." While this sounds like I am waving off God's supreme law, I am not. Scripture repeats again and again that we as human beings can never escape sin, and that's why we need Jesus Christ. That does not make any sin justified; however, it washes the sin away the moment it gets into our hearts. So don't wallow in pity every time you hit a bump in the road. As a good friend of mine says (this is kind of a paraphrase), "God doesn't want you to feel sorry; He wants you to get back on your feet and keep going with Him."
3. Don't get put in the box. This goes along with my previous blog post, but I feel the need to reiterate it just because of how big it really is. God created you as a unique individual with unique features, passions, and a personality. If He wanted us to conform to the rest of the population, then He would've just manufactured a bunch of robots that look and act the same.
4. And last but not least, be honest with the people you can trust. This is an extremely hard thing to do. However, real friends will show you God's untainted love even if you're confused, angry, or not perfect. Because in reality, we all have our issues. Some of them may appear to be worse, but God does not see it that way, and He does not want us to keep our burdens to ourselves. It's not healthy, and I realized that as the summer winded down.
Anyway... that's all I've got this weekend! I'll be at the State Fair for the next five days, so have a fun and safe week folks! :-)
Thursday, August 7, 2014
"Put in a box"
Yesterday I watched a rather inspiring video.
It is about a young man who attended a Christian college and who worked to overcome negative social stigmas and pressures that told him that he needed to act a certain way. By "act" I mean the way he talked, the way he dressed, and the way he lived his life. He chose to live for Christ, but he never did it on anyone's terms aside from God. Is he different than most men? Certainly. Is he different in God's eyes? Absolutely not.
I have so much respect for this person that I have never even met. His unwillingness to let people "put him in a box" is beyond worthy of praise. If you're living for God, spreading the gospel, and doing everything in your power to overcome your own issues, then why let others put you in that box? God creates you as a unique individual, not as a robot that conforms to what everyone else is doing.
Bottom line: Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people who do not expect you to look and act like 90% of the people today do. Christ doesn't care whether you have spiky hair or dreadlocks. He doesn't care if you have a high or low pitched voice, or if you prefer art and music instead of science and engineering.
Don't let society put you in that box.
It is about a young man who attended a Christian college and who worked to overcome negative social stigmas and pressures that told him that he needed to act a certain way. By "act" I mean the way he talked, the way he dressed, and the way he lived his life. He chose to live for Christ, but he never did it on anyone's terms aside from God. Is he different than most men? Certainly. Is he different in God's eyes? Absolutely not.
I have so much respect for this person that I have never even met. His unwillingness to let people "put him in a box" is beyond worthy of praise. If you're living for God, spreading the gospel, and doing everything in your power to overcome your own issues, then why let others put you in that box? God creates you as a unique individual, not as a robot that conforms to what everyone else is doing.
Bottom line: Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people who do not expect you to look and act like 90% of the people today do. Christ doesn't care whether you have spiky hair or dreadlocks. He doesn't care if you have a high or low pitched voice, or if you prefer art and music instead of science and engineering.
Don't let society put you in that box.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Anyway
I come into their house, expecting a normal night of conversation. Instead I end up breaking down, crying, and basically spilling all of my doubts and worries to these two. They listen to every word I say, and not only do they console me, but they offer to help. Even when I'm confused, upset, and not perfect, they aren't forced to love me. They choose to love me.
I don't deserve it, but they love me anyway.
She gives me a check for gas, telling me not to get too much this week because the budget is tight. She constantly nags me about getting college stuff completed, and even though I get tired of it, I know that she only wants the best for me. She fixes supper every night after a long day at work. Even when I'm grumpy, dismissive, or rude, she isn't forced to love me. She chooses to love me.
I don't deserve it, but she loves me anyway.
He hears every prayer that I make. He hears me when I'm yelling his name at the top of my lungs and spewing all of my anger at him. He hears me even when I feel lonely. He forgives me in every moment, even when he has the supreme power to tell me that I'm undeserving of his love. But he doesn't. Even when I'm catty, fearful, and sinful, he isn't forced to love me. He chooses to love me.
I don't deserve it, but He loves me anyway.
I don't deserve it, but they love me anyway.
She gives me a check for gas, telling me not to get too much this week because the budget is tight. She constantly nags me about getting college stuff completed, and even though I get tired of it, I know that she only wants the best for me. She fixes supper every night after a long day at work. Even when I'm grumpy, dismissive, or rude, she isn't forced to love me. She chooses to love me.
I don't deserve it, but she loves me anyway.
He hears every prayer that I make. He hears me when I'm yelling his name at the top of my lungs and spewing all of my anger at him. He hears me even when I feel lonely. He forgives me in every moment, even when he has the supreme power to tell me that I'm undeserving of his love. But he doesn't. Even when I'm catty, fearful, and sinful, he isn't forced to love me. He chooses to love me.
I don't deserve it, but He loves me anyway.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Self analysis
Lately I've taken a look at myself and realized that I can be a rather unpleasant person to be around.
I find that at home I often create drama where drama isn't needed or automatically roll out a whiny comment when my mother asks me to come to the kitchen. I will pick fights with my father over anything when I often should just shut my mouth and let him say what he wants to say. After all, he is my parent and I really have no right to constantly try and overrule him, even when I disagree.
It's not just the people around me that are affected by this, though - it's myself too. Negative attitudes around my family lead to an overall negative attitude with my own life. Everything always turns into a "worst case scenario" for me rather than a "best case scenario." As I'm sure some of you have no doubt noticed, I spend a lot of my time inside of my mind, caught up in my own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions that are often way beyond what's really happening. I think that if someone did a test on my brain the waves would be off the charts 50% of the time.
This week I will work on finding peace in everything I do. I don't want these last three weeks leading up to the state fair and then college to be filled with grim outlooks, worries, and shaky relationships with my parents. I don't want that. College could very well turn me into a nervous wreck for the first couple of weeks, so if I can find some stability beforehand, then it will help me a thousandfold.
I find that at home I often create drama where drama isn't needed or automatically roll out a whiny comment when my mother asks me to come to the kitchen. I will pick fights with my father over anything when I often should just shut my mouth and let him say what he wants to say. After all, he is my parent and I really have no right to constantly try and overrule him, even when I disagree.
It's not just the people around me that are affected by this, though - it's myself too. Negative attitudes around my family lead to an overall negative attitude with my own life. Everything always turns into a "worst case scenario" for me rather than a "best case scenario." As I'm sure some of you have no doubt noticed, I spend a lot of my time inside of my mind, caught up in my own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions that are often way beyond what's really happening. I think that if someone did a test on my brain the waves would be off the charts 50% of the time.
This week I will work on finding peace in everything I do. I don't want these last three weeks leading up to the state fair and then college to be filled with grim outlooks, worries, and shaky relationships with my parents. I don't want that. College could very well turn me into a nervous wreck for the first couple of weeks, so if I can find some stability beforehand, then it will help me a thousandfold.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Update
It's been forever since I blogged, so I figured it was about time to throw some stuff out there.
The week has started off shakily; lots of ups and downs and lots of new stress added to my life. With orientation at Iowa in two weeks, it's time to get ready for that. For me, it means practicing for my solo audition for marching band. Additionally, I recently learned that I'm a semi-finalist for an Iowa-specific scholarship, so I have to be interviewed at orientation. The idea of all of that going on in just a few days isn't exactly appealing to me...
At home, things are constantly bouncing around. One day, my parents drive me off of the walls and I want nothing more than to get out of this house. Other days, we bond. One thing that seems constant though with all of the days is that I just feel out of place. I don't like sitting here at home every day. I enjoyed that last summer, but last summer was under totally different circumstances than now. I just feel like everyone I know is going on trips and having a real social life every day and night while I'm cooped up in my hole. That's not how I wanted to spend my summer before college at all.
Still, I do manage to find oases (that's plural for oasis...) of joy. This Thursday night I play in the Oskaloosa City Band, which is always a good time. Friday night I plan to go out to eat with friends, and I'm also hoping for the usual home church this weekend. As long as I can keep some contact with civilization in my life, I won't go crazy over the next three months.
That's my beginning-of-June update.
Let's just say that I'm hoping for some significant change by the end...
The week has started off shakily; lots of ups and downs and lots of new stress added to my life. With orientation at Iowa in two weeks, it's time to get ready for that. For me, it means practicing for my solo audition for marching band. Additionally, I recently learned that I'm a semi-finalist for an Iowa-specific scholarship, so I have to be interviewed at orientation. The idea of all of that going on in just a few days isn't exactly appealing to me...
At home, things are constantly bouncing around. One day, my parents drive me off of the walls and I want nothing more than to get out of this house. Other days, we bond. One thing that seems constant though with all of the days is that I just feel out of place. I don't like sitting here at home every day. I enjoyed that last summer, but last summer was under totally different circumstances than now. I just feel like everyone I know is going on trips and having a real social life every day and night while I'm cooped up in my hole. That's not how I wanted to spend my summer before college at all.
Still, I do manage to find oases (that's plural for oasis...) of joy. This Thursday night I play in the Oskaloosa City Band, which is always a good time. Friday night I plan to go out to eat with friends, and I'm also hoping for the usual home church this weekend. As long as I can keep some contact with civilization in my life, I won't go crazy over the next three months.
That's my beginning-of-June update.
Let's just say that I'm hoping for some significant change by the end...
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Thoughts
I don't think that the first week off of school has treated me too well.
I just feel... depressed. Not a severe type of depression (if it was, I probably wouldn't be talking about it on my blog), just enough to feel consistently sad or discontent.
Things are changing and I don't like it.
My daily events, the people I see every day, my relationships... everything.
Lately it seems like everything I do isn't enough for people, even though I try my hardest to satisfy everyone.
It's a weird transitioning phase and while I'll probably get out of it, it's left me kind of stagnant and out of place at the moment.
I just feel... depressed. Not a severe type of depression (if it was, I probably wouldn't be talking about it on my blog), just enough to feel consistently sad or discontent.
Things are changing and I don't like it.
My daily events, the people I see every day, my relationships... everything.
Lately it seems like everything I do isn't enough for people, even though I try my hardest to satisfy everyone.
It's a weird transitioning phase and while I'll probably get out of it, it's left me kind of stagnant and out of place at the moment.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Summer kick-off day!
What a beautiful day!
For starters... waking up at 8:30 a.m. was probably the greatest feeling ever.
I'm the type that prefers clouds and wind over sun and heat, so I enjoyed the weather today. It inspired me to simply take a walk around the farm and enjoy the feeling of the cool wind against my face while my dog jumped alongside me.
I made a cool collage of the senior wallet pictures that I've been collecting over the past months. While I didn't get them from all of my class, I've got 25 students on there and it's a neat keepsake sort of thing that's hanging in my room right now.
Had some hot dogs for lunch, played Mass Effect in the afternoon, and just enjoyed some ice cream before chore time... our freezer is spilling over with leftover ice cream from my graduation party.
It was a good day. :-)
For starters... waking up at 8:30 a.m. was probably the greatest feeling ever.
I'm the type that prefers clouds and wind over sun and heat, so I enjoyed the weather today. It inspired me to simply take a walk around the farm and enjoy the feeling of the cool wind against my face while my dog jumped alongside me.
I made a cool collage of the senior wallet pictures that I've been collecting over the past months. While I didn't get them from all of my class, I've got 25 students on there and it's a neat keepsake sort of thing that's hanging in my room right now.
Had some hot dogs for lunch, played Mass Effect in the afternoon, and just enjoyed some ice cream before chore time... our freezer is spilling over with leftover ice cream from my graduation party.
It was a good day. :-)
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Discontent
I hate this feeling.
I hate knowing that, even though I prayed and hoped for people to open their hearts up, nothing really ended up changing in anyone.
I hate it that a friendship that I've tried so hard to build is crumbling and that there's really nothing left to do but let it down softly.
I hate it that in a little less than four days, I'm going to have to revert to my summer phase where I show sheep and goats, live my little secluded life at home, and try to live up to standards that I have continuously forced myself to do for years on end - only to not reach them, like always.
I hate this feeling.
And it's not going away.
I hate knowing that, even though I prayed and hoped for people to open their hearts up, nothing really ended up changing in anyone.
I hate it that a friendship that I've tried so hard to build is crumbling and that there's really nothing left to do but let it down softly.
I hate it that in a little less than four days, I'm going to have to revert to my summer phase where I show sheep and goats, live my little secluded life at home, and try to live up to standards that I have continuously forced myself to do for years on end - only to not reach them, like always.
I hate this feeling.
And it's not going away.
Monday, May 12, 2014
All for Jesus
A beautiful moment arose tonight as myself, three of my best friends, and others gathered to make music for Jesus.
In all of the hullabaloo of graduation stuff, it's so easy for us to focus on ourselves so much that we lose sight of who it's really all about: Jesus Christ. And in the auditorium tonight with just us, our voices, and five instruments, we put Him above everything else... just like we should do all of the time.
Actually, out of the group that was there, I was probably the one who had heard these songs the least. But that gave me even more room to sit back and listen to the beauty of the music that they were making. Not just beautiful tones and chords, but beautiful words on top of everything.
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Tonight I was reminded that, even during the most stressful times, we are living for Christ. None of it matters without Him...
In all of the hullabaloo of graduation stuff, it's so easy for us to focus on ourselves so much that we lose sight of who it's really all about: Jesus Christ. And in the auditorium tonight with just us, our voices, and five instruments, we put Him above everything else... just like we should do all of the time.
Actually, out of the group that was there, I was probably the one who had heard these songs the least. But that gave me even more room to sit back and listen to the beauty of the music that they were making. Not just beautiful tones and chords, but beautiful words on top of everything.
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Tonight I was reminded that, even during the most stressful times, we are living for Christ. None of it matters without Him...
Sunday, May 11, 2014
A million years ago
It feels like a million years ago since...
That first text message I got asking me to come to youth group.
The various excuses I came up with to avoid going to youth group. (Lol)
Finally realizing that I couldn't hold back anymore.
Riding up to the church, scared to death of what would happen.
Crawling underneath of that little table while we played Sardines.
Walking away that night, beaming at how great of a time I had...
And so it began.
At first it was the Sunday mornings when I would wake up, excited that it was youth group day. And then in early January I started counting the days til every upcoming Walnut Street Church session, where I quickly made friends with a girl who I'd paid little attention to throughout high school and got to know two of the most incredible adults I've met to to this day. Pretty soon I went to a Baptist church (if you had told me a year ago that I'd be going to a Baptist church in Des Moines with two non-family adults, their three girls, Kyle, and three of my classmates, I would've faked laughed and slowly backed away), met two amazing NM graduates who I now see frequently at Walnut Street, learned to ride a bike, and went up to Des Moines to feed the homeless.
None of that would've happened without my first positive experience at youth group.
It's not like jazz band. Yes, I had a great time in jazz band, but the beginning of youth group marked a different transition in life... my transition to living for God. It was a process, and some other amazing people played strong roles in that process, but youth group marked one of the first events leading up to it.
And to think that I was so terrified of what would happen the first time...
That first text message I got asking me to come to youth group.
The various excuses I came up with to avoid going to youth group. (Lol)
Finally realizing that I couldn't hold back anymore.
Riding up to the church, scared to death of what would happen.
Crawling underneath of that little table while we played Sardines.
Walking away that night, beaming at how great of a time I had...
And so it began.
At first it was the Sunday mornings when I would wake up, excited that it was youth group day. And then in early January I started counting the days til every upcoming Walnut Street Church session, where I quickly made friends with a girl who I'd paid little attention to throughout high school and got to know two of the most incredible adults I've met to to this day. Pretty soon I went to a Baptist church (if you had told me a year ago that I'd be going to a Baptist church in Des Moines with two non-family adults, their three girls, Kyle, and three of my classmates, I would've faked laughed and slowly backed away), met two amazing NM graduates who I now see frequently at Walnut Street, learned to ride a bike, and went up to Des Moines to feed the homeless.
None of that would've happened without my first positive experience at youth group.
It's not like jazz band. Yes, I had a great time in jazz band, but the beginning of youth group marked a different transition in life... my transition to living for God. It was a process, and some other amazing people played strong roles in that process, but youth group marked one of the first events leading up to it.
And to think that I was so terrified of what would happen the first time...
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Sin
Within the first five months of my faithwalk, sin has been a tough subject for me to analyze (I love analyzing things) because of its sensitivity. There's all of this hullabaloo going on about what God means by this sin or this one or whatever and whether or not some sins are worse than others (which is 110% false). For a while I didn't even understand that sin isn't just a wrongful act; it's something much greater than that.
This world is crawling with sin.
It's like a mosquito. We can swat one, or shoo one out the window, or cover ourselves in mosquito repellent to keep it away for a bit, but eventually it will come back. Additionally, a mosquito's bite reflects how we handle sin. If we don't touch it again, it goes away quickly. If we start scratching, then it just gets worse and worse until it scabs.
(Because for some reason Noah decided to let the mosquitoes on the Ark...)
In all seriousness though... we cannot escape sin.
"For all have sinned and all fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23
All fall short of the glory of God.
If our God was not the loving one that He is, we would all just be left to succumb to the evils of this sinful world and go to hell.
But rejoice, because we don't have to face this end!
God is not looking for that one person who managed to live without sin for his or her entire life (probably because that would be impossible), or the people who just happened to commit less sin than others.
No.
God wants only one thing from us. He wants us to put our faith in Him and Him alone.
I don't know why this is such a big revelation for me now. Four months ago I told myself and I told all of my best friends that I needed Jesus in my life, and I got that. But now another door is opening for me as I see the reason behind all of this.
I was a slave to sin.
You were a slave to sin.
We were all slaves to sin.
But even though sin still festers in this world and catches up with us no matter how hard we try, we are not slaves to it anymore.
Jesus set us free!
I feel like I need to go preach this on the rooftops or something...
This world is crawling with sin.
It's like a mosquito. We can swat one, or shoo one out the window, or cover ourselves in mosquito repellent to keep it away for a bit, but eventually it will come back. Additionally, a mosquito's bite reflects how we handle sin. If we don't touch it again, it goes away quickly. If we start scratching, then it just gets worse and worse until it scabs.
(Because for some reason Noah decided to let the mosquitoes on the Ark...)
In all seriousness though... we cannot escape sin.
"For all have sinned and all fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23
All fall short of the glory of God.
If our God was not the loving one that He is, we would all just be left to succumb to the evils of this sinful world and go to hell.
But rejoice, because we don't have to face this end!
God is not looking for that one person who managed to live without sin for his or her entire life (probably because that would be impossible), or the people who just happened to commit less sin than others.
No.
God wants only one thing from us. He wants us to put our faith in Him and Him alone.
I don't know why this is such a big revelation for me now. Four months ago I told myself and I told all of my best friends that I needed Jesus in my life, and I got that. But now another door is opening for me as I see the reason behind all of this.
I was a slave to sin.
You were a slave to sin.
We were all slaves to sin.
But even though sin still festers in this world and catches up with us no matter how hard we try, we are not slaves to it anymore.
Jesus set us free!
I feel like I need to go preach this on the rooftops or something...
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
The moment
It's often in my solitary experiences where I realize how truly blessed I am.
Tonight I had a chance to enjoy a formal dinner celebrating scholarship winners. I chatted for nearly an hour with my old fourth grade teacher... someone who I haven't talked to for nine years, and we carried on a conversation for the entire meal! I saw both of my parents at peace and enjoying themselves, something that makes me very happy.
I got home, said good night to my mom and dad, and finally completed the remainder of my graduation party slideshow. With the exception of a few music tracks, it is completely done. As I got to looking at the pictures on it, I suddenly got incredibly nostalgic.
In that slideshow, my life is literally flashing before my eyes.
And as I sit here, I understand how blessed I am. As I posted a few days ago, it's all about attitude.
The senior trip is over... but it was an incredible experience that I can hold onto forever.
My friends are going away this summer... but they're never really gone. We'll be together for eternity.
These weeks leading up to Graduation are hectic... but they're enjoyable at the same time.
I have to write a graduation speech... but this speech is about the people in my class that I like.
I haven't had a Walnut Street Church session in over a month... but that will make the next visit all the more exciting.
I sucked at riding a bike through Chicago... but I made it!
There may be fear everywhere... but rising above it all is God's love.
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18
Tonight I had a chance to enjoy a formal dinner celebrating scholarship winners. I chatted for nearly an hour with my old fourth grade teacher... someone who I haven't talked to for nine years, and we carried on a conversation for the entire meal! I saw both of my parents at peace and enjoying themselves, something that makes me very happy.
I got home, said good night to my mom and dad, and finally completed the remainder of my graduation party slideshow. With the exception of a few music tracks, it is completely done. As I got to looking at the pictures on it, I suddenly got incredibly nostalgic.
In that slideshow, my life is literally flashing before my eyes.
And as I sit here, I understand how blessed I am. As I posted a few days ago, it's all about attitude.
The senior trip is over... but it was an incredible experience that I can hold onto forever.
My friends are going away this summer... but they're never really gone. We'll be together for eternity.
These weeks leading up to Graduation are hectic... but they're enjoyable at the same time.
I have to write a graduation speech... but this speech is about the people in my class that I like.
I haven't had a Walnut Street Church session in over a month... but that will make the next visit all the more exciting.
I sucked at riding a bike through Chicago... but I made it!
There may be fear everywhere... but rising above it all is God's love.
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out all fear." 1 John 4:18
Monday, May 5, 2014
It's over
Senior class trip is over.
It was four of the best days of my life, and now it's in the past.
I don't know how to feel about that. This was the last opportunity for our class to just have fun together... and for as much as we did, getting off the charter bus left a sense of finality in the air. It makes me sad. Some of these people I've known for 13 years. 13 years. Despite the fact that I will lose contact with several of them, there's no way I'll ever let them go. This is my class.
Are there better things ahead? I believe there are. But in this moment, I can't help but be overwhelmed with emotions as the doors start to close on the first chapter of my life.
It was four of the best days of my life, and now it's in the past.
I don't know how to feel about that. This was the last opportunity for our class to just have fun together... and for as much as we did, getting off the charter bus left a sense of finality in the air. It makes me sad. Some of these people I've known for 13 years. 13 years. Despite the fact that I will lose contact with several of them, there's no way I'll ever let them go. This is my class.
Are there better things ahead? I believe there are. But in this moment, I can't help but be overwhelmed with emotions as the doors start to close on the first chapter of my life.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
"There's so much fear"
I'm double-blogging tonight because why not.
As anyone who's reading this blog knows, I really love the movie Frozen. It has a lot of great messages in it and the soundtrack is freaking awesome.
One song in particular has a line that I've been thinking a lot about lately. It's the scene where Anna returns to find Elsa, and a song between them ensues where Anna tries to get Elsa to return to Arendelle. When Anna tells Elsa that the kingdom is buried in snow as a result of Elsa's leaving, Elsa proceeds to go into a sort of "snow rage" as Anna continues to try and convince her sister to return:
"I'm such a fool, I can't be free!
No escape from the storm inside of me...
I can't control the curse!
Anna, please, you'll only make it worse!
There's so much fear!
You're not safe here..."
And then Elsa breaks down and accidentally attacks her sister with her cryogenic ice powers.
"There's so much fear."
That line keeps coming back to me. Elsa, who has the stress of a frozen kingdom added to her, proceeds to unintentionally put ice in her sister's heart.
Fear.
So much fear.
Elsa's fear of what people will think of her and the fear of having to deal with a frozen Arendelle ended up nearly killing her sister.
There's so much fear.
Fear does crazy things to us. It makes us think irrationally and sometimes hurt people that we would never want to hurt, just like Elsa accidentally hurts Anna.
That's my philosophical thought for the night...
As anyone who's reading this blog knows, I really love the movie Frozen. It has a lot of great messages in it and the soundtrack is freaking awesome.
One song in particular has a line that I've been thinking a lot about lately. It's the scene where Anna returns to find Elsa, and a song between them ensues where Anna tries to get Elsa to return to Arendelle. When Anna tells Elsa that the kingdom is buried in snow as a result of Elsa's leaving, Elsa proceeds to go into a sort of "snow rage" as Anna continues to try and convince her sister to return:
"I'm such a fool, I can't be free!
No escape from the storm inside of me...
I can't control the curse!
Anna, please, you'll only make it worse!
There's so much fear!
You're not safe here..."
And then Elsa breaks down and accidentally attacks her sister with her cryogenic ice powers.
"There's so much fear."
That line keeps coming back to me. Elsa, who has the stress of a frozen kingdom added to her, proceeds to unintentionally put ice in her sister's heart.
Fear.
So much fear.
Elsa's fear of what people will think of her and the fear of having to deal with a frozen Arendelle ended up nearly killing her sister.
There's so much fear.
Fear does crazy things to us. It makes us think irrationally and sometimes hurt people that we would never want to hurt, just like Elsa accidentally hurts Anna.
That's my philosophical thought for the night...
Attitudes
About a week ago I was telling myself that I would hate going up to State FFA Convention. I forced myself to believe that, and so I spent the entire week dreading it.
However, when I went up that Sunday night, I told myself that I would make the most of it even though I had no friends up there to talk to. And... for the most part, I had a good time! I met a few new people and listened to a lot of good speakers. We ate at Culver's twice (yum!!!), Hickory Park (YUMMMMM!) and had an intense ride on I-80; the pouring rain was so hard that we couldn't see a thing. And I got my Iowa FFA Degree, which is kind of a neat accomplishment.
I admittedly was longing my hometown for most of the time, though. I just miss being around people that I really care about.
My attitude when I got home went from relaxation to super-max-stress mode in about ten minutes. I got on my laptop and saw that I had numerous e-mails. A few of them were from a scholarship lady who can't open a thank-you video that I sent her. So now I have to deal with that. The housing people at Iowa still haven't e-mailed me back about my issue, so that's one more thing I have to figure out. To be honest, I would feel so much better about the upcoming year if I just had the housing stuff settled, and as of right now I don't. And that completely drives me insane.
Add on the make-up work and the graduation speech that I have two and a half weeks to write, and I was fuming. I even did a major rant to my mother.
But then I realized... what good is any of this stressing doing? I need to just take one thing at a time. I have a few days to figure out the housing stuff before the deadline hits. The lady who e-mailed me was very nice and I'm sure that she's not going to be mad if I don't get the scholarship video in on time. I can think of something to write for my speech; my FFA advisor even offered to help me out.
It's all about my attitude. If I keep stressing over every little thing, then I'm going to have no time to enjoy my last two and a half weeks of high school.
I changed my attitude towards state convention, and it ended up being fun! Now I just need to do the same with everything else.
However, when I went up that Sunday night, I told myself that I would make the most of it even though I had no friends up there to talk to. And... for the most part, I had a good time! I met a few new people and listened to a lot of good speakers. We ate at Culver's twice (yum!!!), Hickory Park (YUMMMMM!) and had an intense ride on I-80; the pouring rain was so hard that we couldn't see a thing. And I got my Iowa FFA Degree, which is kind of a neat accomplishment.
I admittedly was longing my hometown for most of the time, though. I just miss being around people that I really care about.
My attitude when I got home went from relaxation to super-max-stress mode in about ten minutes. I got on my laptop and saw that I had numerous e-mails. A few of them were from a scholarship lady who can't open a thank-you video that I sent her. So now I have to deal with that. The housing people at Iowa still haven't e-mailed me back about my issue, so that's one more thing I have to figure out. To be honest, I would feel so much better about the upcoming year if I just had the housing stuff settled, and as of right now I don't. And that completely drives me insane.
Add on the make-up work and the graduation speech that I have two and a half weeks to write, and I was fuming. I even did a major rant to my mother.
But then I realized... what good is any of this stressing doing? I need to just take one thing at a time. I have a few days to figure out the housing stuff before the deadline hits. The lady who e-mailed me was very nice and I'm sure that she's not going to be mad if I don't get the scholarship video in on time. I can think of something to write for my speech; my FFA advisor even offered to help me out.
It's all about my attitude. If I keep stressing over every little thing, then I'm going to have no time to enjoy my last two and a half weeks of high school.
I changed my attitude towards state convention, and it ended up being fun! Now I just need to do the same with everything else.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
The after after-prom
It is currently 5:25 a.m. in the morning, and even though I've been up for a full 22 hours, for some odd reason I don't feel like going to sleep just yet so instead I'm going to blog.
The Pros and Cons of Prom 2014:
Pros:
+ I realized that a girl who I've taken little opportunity to speak to within the past eight months is actually really fun! I'm so glad that I asked my prom date to go with me back in February, and I know that she had a great time.
+ I have $70 to spend on stuff! Yay!
+ They played Let it Go at the banquet AND during the dance!!!!
+ HILARIOUS hypnotist show.
+ Lots of reminiscing and good memories with some of my best senior friends. :-)
+ I finally had an excuse to wash my truck and clean out the inside. :-P
Cons:
- They announced that the entire after-prom costed $16,000. Sixteen. Thousand. DOLLARS. W-... what? That is absolutely insane! The things that could be done with $16,000 for a homeless shelter or a community in a third-world country are enormous, and here we are blowing it off on TV's, giant blow-up thingies and whatever.
- Dinner was kind of awkward but that's pretty normal...
- My head hurts for some reason. Maybe lack of sleep?
Hmm... that's all I've got folks. It's likely I won't see any of you until this Wednesday, so have a good few days everyone! :-) Also, please pray for Katy Goemaat. She had an accident in P.E. the other day, as many of you know, and it hurts me to see her older sister - one of my best friends throughout my life - having to go through this ordeal. I don't know Katy personally but I want to pray for her recovery.
Anyway, good night!
(Or good morning...?)
The Pros and Cons of Prom 2014:
Pros:
+ I realized that a girl who I've taken little opportunity to speak to within the past eight months is actually really fun! I'm so glad that I asked my prom date to go with me back in February, and I know that she had a great time.
+ I have $70 to spend on stuff! Yay!
+ They played Let it Go at the banquet AND during the dance!!!!
+ HILARIOUS hypnotist show.
+ Lots of reminiscing and good memories with some of my best senior friends. :-)
+ I finally had an excuse to wash my truck and clean out the inside. :-P
Cons:
- They announced that the entire after-prom costed $16,000. Sixteen. Thousand. DOLLARS. W-... what? That is absolutely insane! The things that could be done with $16,000 for a homeless shelter or a community in a third-world country are enormous, and here we are blowing it off on TV's, giant blow-up thingies and whatever.
- Dinner was kind of awkward but that's pretty normal...
- My head hurts for some reason. Maybe lack of sleep?
Hmm... that's all I've got folks. It's likely I won't see any of you until this Wednesday, so have a good few days everyone! :-) Also, please pray for Katy Goemaat. She had an accident in P.E. the other day, as many of you know, and it hurts me to see her older sister - one of my best friends throughout my life - having to go through this ordeal. I don't know Katy personally but I want to pray for her recovery.
Anyway, good night!
(Or good morning...?)
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Crunch time
Once Saturday hits, the next three weeks are pretty much going to spiral into one big event after another. In order: Prom, State FFA Convention, Spring Concert, Senior Class Trip, Pella Corp Banquet, my graduation party, other graduation parties, Senior Showcase, semester tests, more graduation parties, and... Graduation Day!
It makes me a little overwhelmed just looking at that list...
However, I'm excited. We finally got our graduation invites tonight and got them all sealed up to be passed out at school or sent via mail. I realized today that I have three and a half weeks to write a graduation speech. That sort of lit a fire under my butt and now I'm going to be working on that in my spare time. I also have to start focusing on college stuff like choosing a dorm room and other things.
Despite my negative comments about Prom a few days ago, I talked to my prom date today and I can tell that she's super excited for Saturday... and that made me much more excited too. While I'm glad I'll get a better chance to know her, I am admittedly a bit nervous since I'm not used to going to Prom with someone whom I know little about.
Everything's coming down to the wire...
It's coming down
I'M YELLING TIMBER!!!!
:-)
It makes me a little overwhelmed just looking at that list...
However, I'm excited. We finally got our graduation invites tonight and got them all sealed up to be passed out at school or sent via mail. I realized today that I have three and a half weeks to write a graduation speech. That sort of lit a fire under my butt and now I'm going to be working on that in my spare time. I also have to start focusing on college stuff like choosing a dorm room and other things.
Despite my negative comments about Prom a few days ago, I talked to my prom date today and I can tell that she's super excited for Saturday... and that made me much more excited too. While I'm glad I'll get a better chance to know her, I am admittedly a bit nervous since I'm not used to going to Prom with someone whom I know little about.
Everything's coming down to the wire...
It's coming down
I'M YELLING TIMBER!!!!
:-)
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Mixed feelings
I'm sort of past the phase of worrying about college (on the contrary, I'm kind of looking forward to finally getting settled next August) and more worried about the next three to four weeks.
For starters, Prom is this weekend. I have to admit that I'm not as excited for Prom as the other 99% of the school is. I just don't like the general premise of the night. It feels like nothing more than a glorified popularity contest where we spend way too much money that could be going towards charities and communities in deprived countries. Last year we spent over $12,000 on after-prom alone. TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. And that doesn't include money for the actual Prom activities! Think about this: the community comes together to earn that much money for a dance with high-schoolers, yet we rarely see those kinds of donations for people who actually NEED help.
That being said... I'll make the most of it.
Of course, I think my excitement for Prom would be higher if I didn't have to attend State FFA Convention for the next three days afterwards. That just kind of throws a wrench in the entire week. And unlike Prom, I won't have any good friends up there to talk to. *sigh*
Then I have two days next week to go to school before the senior class trip. Ah... senior trip! This is more like what I've been looking forward to. Just me and my amigos favoritos taking on the Windy City. I'm super excited. Six Flags, Blue Man Group, zoos, bike rides (I NEVER thought I'd be excited for that!!!), Medieval Times, and lots of good food! :-)
In the following days I can kind of take a breather. Well, not really, because my graduation party will be that Friday night and my parents are going to be super on-edge all week.
And graduation is the following weekend.
I'm not sure how I feel about that yet...
For starters, Prom is this weekend. I have to admit that I'm not as excited for Prom as the other 99% of the school is. I just don't like the general premise of the night. It feels like nothing more than a glorified popularity contest where we spend way too much money that could be going towards charities and communities in deprived countries. Last year we spent over $12,000 on after-prom alone. TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. And that doesn't include money for the actual Prom activities! Think about this: the community comes together to earn that much money for a dance with high-schoolers, yet we rarely see those kinds of donations for people who actually NEED help.
That being said... I'll make the most of it.
Of course, I think my excitement for Prom would be higher if I didn't have to attend State FFA Convention for the next three days afterwards. That just kind of throws a wrench in the entire week. And unlike Prom, I won't have any good friends up there to talk to. *sigh*
Then I have two days next week to go to school before the senior class trip. Ah... senior trip! This is more like what I've been looking forward to. Just me and my amigos favoritos taking on the Windy City. I'm super excited. Six Flags, Blue Man Group, zoos, bike rides (I NEVER thought I'd be excited for that!!!), Medieval Times, and lots of good food! :-)
In the following days I can kind of take a breather. Well, not really, because my graduation party will be that Friday night and my parents are going to be super on-edge all week.
And graduation is the following weekend.
I'm not sure how I feel about that yet...
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Random acts of texting
Tonight something happened spontaneously that totally made my night.
I was texting a friend who happened to be watching Frozen, and out of nowhere we just started bursting into random quotes and lyrics from songs of the movie.
A few excerpts from our dialogue: (we didn't start until around 1/3 of the way through the movie so we missed a lot of the good songs at the beginning, unfortunately)
"It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and make through." "Reindeer are better than people, Sven don't ya think I'm riiiiiiight." "What if you don't like the way he picks his nose? EWWWW. And EATS it. Excuse me sir, he is a PRINCE! All men do it..." "Knock. Just knock. Why isn't she knocking? Do you think she knows how to knock?" "No escape from the storm inside of me... don't panic. There's so much fear..." "IT IS NOT NICE TO THROW PEOPLE!!!" "He brought a GIRL!" "Is it the clumpy way he walks? Or the grumpy way he talks?" "Let's go kiss Hans!... Who is this Hans?!" "Queen Elsa don't be the monster they fear you are..." "Some people are worth melting for. :-)" "KRIIIIIIIISTOOOOOOOFFFFF :-(" "Elsa! You can't run from this..." (We both sent that text at the same time!) "Love will thaw" "Nanana heya noonana nananananana heya heya noonanana" "The only frozen heart around here is yours!" "Let it go!!!"
:-)
So much fun in simple text messages.
I was texting a friend who happened to be watching Frozen, and out of nowhere we just started bursting into random quotes and lyrics from songs of the movie.
A few excerpts from our dialogue: (we didn't start until around 1/3 of the way through the movie so we missed a lot of the good songs at the beginning, unfortunately)
"It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and make through." "Reindeer are better than people, Sven don't ya think I'm riiiiiiight." "What if you don't like the way he picks his nose? EWWWW. And EATS it. Excuse me sir, he is a PRINCE! All men do it..." "Knock. Just knock. Why isn't she knocking? Do you think she knows how to knock?" "No escape from the storm inside of me... don't panic. There's so much fear..." "IT IS NOT NICE TO THROW PEOPLE!!!" "He brought a GIRL!" "Is it the clumpy way he walks? Or the grumpy way he talks?" "Let's go kiss Hans!... Who is this Hans?!" "Queen Elsa don't be the monster they fear you are..." "Some people are worth melting for. :-)" "KRIIIIIIIISTOOOOOOOFFFFF :-(" "Elsa! You can't run from this..." (We both sent that text at the same time!) "Love will thaw" "Nanana heya noonana nananananana heya heya noonanana" "The only frozen heart around here is yours!" "Let it go!!!"
:-)
So much fun in simple text messages.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Who... not where
Tonight I shared a glorious four hours with my two closest friends. We see eachother all of the time, but most of the time it's in scenarios where we can't actually open up due to time restraints or things like that.
We didn't really do anything particularly fancy. We drove to Pella, ate at Culver's, went out to Lake Red Rock, and just walked around the trails for a bit before we sat down at a picnic bench in the darkness.
Four hours of nothing extravagant... yet it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time.
One of my two friends made a comment that struck me hard in particular: "It's not about where you're at, but who you're with."
With the three of us so uncertain about our futures, our lives, and what paths God is taking us down, we're all so concerned about the where that we've almost forgotten the who.
And I finally realized why I'm so sad about leaving next year. It's not the setting of New Sharon that I'm going to miss, but the relationships that I've built with some people around here. Why have the past four months been the best period of my life? It's not because of where I live, but who I live with. I have no doubts that living in Iowa City will be a breath of fresh air. In fact, I'm already looking forward to the more liberal atmosphere of that city. But... I have already accepted the fact that I am going to have a rough time adjusting to college life for the simple reason that I will not be seeing the five or six people that I can turn to for anything on a regular basis.
I'm not really sure where this blog post is going since I didn't have a particular agenda or a message to get across, but that's what has been on my mind.
We didn't really do anything particularly fancy. We drove to Pella, ate at Culver's, went out to Lake Red Rock, and just walked around the trails for a bit before we sat down at a picnic bench in the darkness.
Four hours of nothing extravagant... yet it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time.
One of my two friends made a comment that struck me hard in particular: "It's not about where you're at, but who you're with."
With the three of us so uncertain about our futures, our lives, and what paths God is taking us down, we're all so concerned about the where that we've almost forgotten the who.
And I finally realized why I'm so sad about leaving next year. It's not the setting of New Sharon that I'm going to miss, but the relationships that I've built with some people around here. Why have the past four months been the best period of my life? It's not because of where I live, but who I live with. I have no doubts that living in Iowa City will be a breath of fresh air. In fact, I'm already looking forward to the more liberal atmosphere of that city. But... I have already accepted the fact that I am going to have a rough time adjusting to college life for the simple reason that I will not be seeing the five or six people that I can turn to for anything on a regular basis.
I'm not really sure where this blog post is going since I didn't have a particular agenda or a message to get across, but that's what has been on my mind.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Blood moon
My cousin posted a verse on Facebook this morning that correlates to the "blood moon" that people have been talking about this week:
"The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Lord." Acts 2:20
Now, I probably don't know all there is to know about this verse, but doesn't it seem a little odd that this blood moon is happening RIGHT BEFORE EASTER SUNDAY.
I haven't been a Christian for long, but I keep forgetting about the fact that Jesus Christ is going to return someday, and it just kind of startled me when I realized that it could literally happen any moment. It could happen in fifty minutes or fifty centuries.
And that gives me hope. His love gives me hope. And even though I spent probably half of my time tonight feeling sorry for myself and wishing that I could just run away, I kept glancing at that moon on the horizon and realizing that He gave it all up for me.
All of it.
...
(And yes, I still am a little suspicious about this whole blood-moon-that's-clearly-referenced-in-the-Bible-happening-the-same-week-as-Easter thing.)
Anyway... whether y'all are on a beach in Puerto Rico, at family dinners in good ol' Iowa, or freezing your toes off in Minnesota, have a wonderful Easter guys! :-)
"The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Lord." Acts 2:20
Now, I probably don't know all there is to know about this verse, but doesn't it seem a little odd that this blood moon is happening RIGHT BEFORE EASTER SUNDAY.
I haven't been a Christian for long, but I keep forgetting about the fact that Jesus Christ is going to return someday, and it just kind of startled me when I realized that it could literally happen any moment. It could happen in fifty minutes or fifty centuries.
And that gives me hope. His love gives me hope. And even though I spent probably half of my time tonight feeling sorry for myself and wishing that I could just run away, I kept glancing at that moon on the horizon and realizing that He gave it all up for me.
All of it.
...
(And yes, I still am a little suspicious about this whole blood-moon-that's-clearly-referenced-in-the-Bible-happening-the-same-week-as-Easter thing.)
Anyway... whether y'all are on a beach in Puerto Rico, at family dinners in good ol' Iowa, or freezing your toes off in Minnesota, have a wonderful Easter guys! :-)
Friday, April 11, 2014
The transitioning of seasons
As the week of Iowa Jazz Championships comes to a close and I return to the school setting, the fact that I only have close to 20 days of school left is starting to sink in... and it's becoming more real than I've ever known.
Today, I spent an entire period of the day just laughing with nine other people. We've all ridden together on this crazy train that's called high school, and it was great to reminisce over good times with them for 45 minutes.
Nearly everyone that I talk to is ready for high school to be over, but I'm just not at that point yet. My social life basically blossomed earlier this year, and to think that I won't get to see some of these people again saddens me. :-(
As the ground thaws and the green grass begins to show, another reality sets in: summer is coming. This is a much more calming thought though. I'm already envisioning the days of spending hours outside and (maybe...!) going kayaking with some of my best friends.
I want to make this summer unforgettable.
Today, I spent an entire period of the day just laughing with nine other people. We've all ridden together on this crazy train that's called high school, and it was great to reminisce over good times with them for 45 minutes.
Nearly everyone that I talk to is ready for high school to be over, but I'm just not at that point yet. My social life basically blossomed earlier this year, and to think that I won't get to see some of these people again saddens me. :-(
As the ground thaws and the green grass begins to show, another reality sets in: summer is coming. This is a much more calming thought though. I'm already envisioning the days of spending hours outside and (maybe...!) going kayaking with some of my best friends.
I want to make this summer unforgettable.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Jazz, bikes, grace, scholarships, and memories :-)
My life feels like it's been some sort of massive whirlwind of interconnected emotions over the past few days. In order of occurrence from Tuesday morning to Thursday evening:
Sleepiness, excitement, nostalgia, happiness, nervousness, disappointment, utter heart-is-falling-out-of-my-chest-feeling (this was while we were waiting for the daytime results at Iowa Jazz Championships), overwhelming joy, pride, tons of tears after playing my final performance at the Civic Center, chills, laughs, an accomplished feeling of winning state championship, restlessness (I couldn't get to sleep til 3:00 that night), more nostalgia, envy, fatigue, appreciation, more nostalgia, sadness, anxiety, super anxiety, 9.5/10 anxiety, fear, a little pain, joy, happiness, love, more anxiety, anger, negativity, exhaustion, soreness, laziness, happiness again, food (that's not an emotion but it feels like it is), more soreness, senioritis, laughs, more soreness again (for some reason riding a bike really strained my gluteus maximus), calmness, forgiveness, and then... out of nowhere... accomplishment.
These emotions are the long process of going up to state jazz, playing during the day, going to the awards ceremony, playing at the Civic Center, receiving 1st Place that night, waking up in the morning, going home, going to the school assembly, helping move furniture, having one of the best nights of my life learning to ride a bike, grudgingly going to school the next day, and coming home that night to find out that I received the $6,000 Pella Corp Scholarship.
Out of all of that, I highlighted the three emotions that stick out to me the most.
Disappointment. I was so disappointed at 4:00 in the afternoon when I discovered that I hadn't received an Outstanding Soloist Award. I don't know why, but at the time that devastated me. I had put a seemingly endless amount of time and effort into that solo, and I just felt completely bummed because I hadn't gotten it. And yet... looking back on that, it seems silly. We won the state championship! And besides, it's just the opinion of a few judges.
Love. I didn't realize it at the time, but the feeling of learning to ride a bike in the presence of some of my closest friends and two of the most caring adults I've ever known is going to stick with me for the rest of my life. These two could've given up supporting me after I failed the first 20 times, but they didn't. They could've stopped shouting words of encouragement or pushing me up every time I lost my balance, but they didn't.
Accomplishment. I know that money is not supposed to be the focus of life... but after putting hours and hours into a certain scholarship application that normally isn't awarded to the sons or daughters of employees that work in the factory part of Pella Corp, it's just nice to know that all of that hard work paid off.
So there's everything I've been feeling in the past 60 hours. Kind of incredible when you lay it all out like that... there's so many lows and highs, but they all group together for one of the best experiences of my life. :-)
Sleepiness, excitement, nostalgia, happiness, nervousness, disappointment, utter heart-is-falling-out-of-my-chest-feeling (this was while we were waiting for the daytime results at Iowa Jazz Championships), overwhelming joy, pride, tons of tears after playing my final performance at the Civic Center, chills, laughs, an accomplished feeling of winning state championship, restlessness (I couldn't get to sleep til 3:00 that night), more nostalgia, envy, fatigue, appreciation, more nostalgia, sadness, anxiety, super anxiety, 9.5/10 anxiety, fear, a little pain, joy, happiness, love, more anxiety, anger, negativity, exhaustion, soreness, laziness, happiness again, food (that's not an emotion but it feels like it is), more soreness, senioritis, laughs, more soreness again (for some reason riding a bike really strained my gluteus maximus), calmness, forgiveness, and then... out of nowhere... accomplishment.
These emotions are the long process of going up to state jazz, playing during the day, going to the awards ceremony, playing at the Civic Center, receiving 1st Place that night, waking up in the morning, going home, going to the school assembly, helping move furniture, having one of the best nights of my life learning to ride a bike, grudgingly going to school the next day, and coming home that night to find out that I received the $6,000 Pella Corp Scholarship.
Out of all of that, I highlighted the three emotions that stick out to me the most.
Disappointment. I was so disappointed at 4:00 in the afternoon when I discovered that I hadn't received an Outstanding Soloist Award. I don't know why, but at the time that devastated me. I had put a seemingly endless amount of time and effort into that solo, and I just felt completely bummed because I hadn't gotten it. And yet... looking back on that, it seems silly. We won the state championship! And besides, it's just the opinion of a few judges.
Love. I didn't realize it at the time, but the feeling of learning to ride a bike in the presence of some of my closest friends and two of the most caring adults I've ever known is going to stick with me for the rest of my life. These two could've given up supporting me after I failed the first 20 times, but they didn't. They could've stopped shouting words of encouragement or pushing me up every time I lost my balance, but they didn't.
Accomplishment. I know that money is not supposed to be the focus of life... but after putting hours and hours into a certain scholarship application that normally isn't awarded to the sons or daughters of employees that work in the factory part of Pella Corp, it's just nice to know that all of that hard work paid off.
So there's everything I've been feeling in the past 60 hours. Kind of incredible when you lay it all out like that... there's so many lows and highs, but they all group together for one of the best experiences of my life. :-)
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